The struggle is real

Sorry I have been MIA.  It is now 2 weeks since surgery and I have been struggling with figuring it all out.

This is definitely not an easy process or journey.  Of course, the struggle is worse because of a stomach virus I have.  When the scale is stuck, you want it to move, but you don't want it to move 6lbs overnight because of diarrhea and vomiting.  So my current focus is hydration.  Last thing I want is to be dehydrated.

Going to start taking Motive Pure and a probiotic.  Need to make sure my electrolytes are replenished. 

Food intake is tough.  Today, I made it to 70 grams of protein.  Need to work my way back up to 100 grams a day.  So hard when you get full so quickly.  I am also doing better with liquid intake.  Up to 50 oz today. 

Because of my bug, I am going to step back on the progression of food stages and stick with liquid and pureed.  But I have to admit, it SUCKS!  I am tired of drinking my food.  I tried egg salad, which I used to love, and now it makes me nauseous.  Today, I did discover, sugar free hot cocoa and Inspire Butter Mint.  OH MY!  It was like have a forbidden treat.  It helps me get 20 grams of protein in pretty easily.

If anyone has any other ideas for getting in the protein, I would be grateful! 

As of today, I am down 21.5 lbs since surgery and 4lbs away from my first weight loss goal of 349.  My goal is to be weighed on the scare at my PCP's office. 

Crazy journey.......I know it gets easier....but right now, I am struggling with waiting for that to happen.  My emotions are getting a little wonky and I am tired of drinking stuff.  I will push forward and look towards all the people I have met, along this journey, that have been successful!  You are all an inspiration and will keep me going.

Hard work paying off!

It happened, I had WLS!  I still can't believe that 2/3 of my stomach is gone forever.  I thought I was going to be really nervous the morning of surgery, but I wasn't.  I knew that I had made the right decision.

Dr. Bello said it would be around 90 mins from the time they rolled me from the pre-op area until he came out and spoke with my parents.  My parents said it wasn't even 90 mins and he told them it went better than expected.  He was in and out in no time!

I was stuck in recovery for 6 hours while Unit 48 was waiting for a clean room.  The theory in recover was, they didn't want to add a new patient until shift change because the nurses didn't want to have to write a report.  Well......although it would have been nice for my parents to be able to spend time with me, being in recovery allowed me 1:1 attention to help me walk as much as I wanted AND to actually get some rest.  We all know that once you are on the unit, there is no resting.  They wake you up every hour to get your vitals and ask you to pee.

From the moment I woke up, the only thing I could concentrate on was the damn gas pains.  I used a few expletives to describe the pain.  The pain from the incisions was minimal and still is.  The gas pains lasted about 5 days.  I finally pooped on day 6.  I actually drove yesterday as well.  I am down to only taking pain meds at night.

I was able to go out shopping for a few hours on two separate days.  Walking definitely helps with the gas pains and with getting things moving on the back end of things.

I definitely have an amazing support network.  Without them, this journey would be a much more difficult one. 

I had my one week follow up today.  I am down 9.3lbs since surgery and 49lbs since the start of my journey, my incisions are healing as they are supposed to heal, I am close to getting in all my liquid and most of my protein and I was cleared to travel to Boston next week.  I just need to make sure we stop so I can walk every 2 hours.  I also got a script so that I can use my medical cafeteria plan to pay for my vitamins!  Good day.

I do have to hide my scale though, because I don't want to focus on the number on the scale.  I want to focus on how my body feels, my inches and how my clothes are fitting.

I also hate that all scales read differently, so I will just focus on the scale going down and not the actual numbers.

So......this new chapter of my life is in full swing......looking forward to seeing where it leads.

Love my GYN

Had my annual with my GYN today.  I LOVE her.  It is one of the reasons, I have not jumped at opportunities to move way from the area. Good doctors are not easy to find and I have been very lucky since I moved to MD.

So my big question for her today was......what am I going to do about birth control seeing I have been off now for 2 weeks AND have to be off for 4 weeks after surgery.  Condoms are not 100% and let's face it, abstinence doesn't sound so fun either. (sorry mom and dad). She also said, silly surgeons, don't they understand a female cycle is 4 weeks, not 6.  You can't be off your pills for 6 weeks, it would need to be 4 or 8.  Seriously, she is so real and fantastic!

This woman doesn't want a baby....so we talked about options.  She highly recommend an IUD.  She actually wanted to insert one today.  Then she decided to let me get through Friday first and then if the bleeding is crazy, to call her.  She was thrilled I am doing the surgery and said GBMC's program is the best, in her opinion.  Of course, she is good friends with Dr. Dovec.

I love the idea that I wouldn't have a period for 5 years, BUT have heard nightmare stories about the IUD.  I will just wait it out and see what happens with my cycle. 

When I was leaving she said "You are ovulating so no sex for you okay?  I said, don't worry, as of tomorrow, I will be with my parents through the end of December."  She laughed. 

So.....just one more big decision to make about my body over the next couple of weeks.



3 days.........

Liquid in, liquid out is NO joke!

So, I have started my self inflicted clear liquid diet.  I did it, because I wasn't perfect the past 3 weeks with my no starches.  I feel really guilty about it and worried my liver won't be small enough.........

I started on Saturday, but did have a protein packed late lunch.  But, I have had nothing but Atkins Lift water, broth and jello since!

I used to love soups. I am pretty sure, after the liquid phases of this process, I may never eat soup again. 

I intentionally decided to work from home on Wednesday and Thursday, knowing that I would need to have the bathroom as close as possible.  That was when I thought I was just going to do the 2 days of clears.  Let's just say........I had to go home to change today.  Yep, liquid in, liquid out!  GROSS, but a part of the process.  No wonder people the people from other programs, who have much longer liquid diet requirements, drop so much what prior to surgery.  I have lost 1 lb since yesterday morning.  

I am looking forward to my mom and dad getting here on Wednesday.  My mom has definitely kicked into care taker mode already.  When I told her I was wavering with my decision, wondering what the hell I was about to do to my body, she said, " You will continue to have the moments, and that's okay." I know she will make sure I am walking, drinking water, getting in protein, and resting. 

Through this clear liquid process, I have learned that the college Gretchen was crazy!  How the heck did I do jello shots....jello is disgusting!  But, I will suck it up and force it down to make sure I am getting in enough fluids.  But, seriously, YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So much to do for work before the end of business tomorrow.  I can't believe how these 2 months have flown by!




4 days!

WTF am I about to do to my body?????

The past few days, thoughts of my surgery have been occupying my mind. I have had dreams of Dr. Bello and Dr. Dovec doing a flash mob, through the OR, on the day of my procedure. I have been fighting head hunger and mourning my old lifestyle.  Worrying about what friends will stick with me through the journey and who I will lose.

I have found myself questioning, what the heck I am doing to myself.  Is this worth it, am I strong enough to make the right choices, am I really okay with no alcohol or carbonation for a year?

Then, my mind says, stop it!  You have been preparing for this moment for 6 months.  You love yourself more than you love food.  I can do this.  I will do this. I WANT to do this!  I am looking forward to my second chance at life.  For the opportunity to retrain my hunger cues, to reset my metabolism and to not screw it up again!

My whole life has involved celebrating around food and drink.  That is a hard habit to break.  I am reading lots of people posting about how to cheat on Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It is just a meal.  Is Christmas going to be difficult for me this year?  YEP, I will just be on the soft food phase.  My family usually does lasagna, not sure what will be on the menu this year, BUT I know that my family will encourage and support me.

Hoping my doubt and fear subside soon....I know this is the right path for me and I am really excited to start the next phase of the journey.  I just need my head to get out of my way!

10 days!

Head Hunger is no joke!

So.....I have been doing no starches......that isn't a big deal, seeing I have been eating very few starches since April.  BUT, I am now doing 2 shakes (1 for breakfast and 1 for lunch) and then a protein packed dinner, with low carb veggies.  My head is trying to tell my stomach it is hungry.  I know it isn't.  I know it is all in my head because I am feeling deprived right now.  This is the first time on this journey I have felt like I was on a "diet".  This is self inflicted.  My plan calls for no starch for 3 weeks and then only 2 days on clear liquids.  I am so afraid my liver won't be small enough that I am trying to maximize these final days. 

Sunday, I will be starting 5 days of clear liquids.  Again, self inflicted.  Dr. Bello recommended 5 days, so I am going to tough it out and do it.  Thankfully, I will be working from home for part of that week.  Lots of jello, lots of popsicles and lots of broth.........Can't wait for the soft food stage!

I got this......my head has never been in this place before.  I am embracing the 2nd chance at life I am about to get.  I will take the reset, learn my new hunger cues and choose to love myself more than food.  I will remember I will be eating to live.  It is going to be difficult, but I know I can do it.

11 days to go!

Cha-Cha-Changes

I can't believe the countdown is at 16 days already!  Crazy!

I have started my no starch diet.......and I feel better already and it has only been a few days.

Friday will be my last Dunkin Iced Coffee until May.

Monday, I start on liquids only.....except, I will indulge a little on Thanksgiving!  So lots of soup, lots of jello, lots of Popsicles,  and lots of protein shakes.

On the 26th, I will start clear liquids.  I am only required to do 48 hours of clear, but my surgeon recommend at least 5 days.

I start working from home on the 30th and then that is also the day my parents will arrive.  AND it is the last circuit training class before surgery.  I am looking forward to having my measurements done on the 30th, so when I get back to the gym in January, I can see how many inches I have lost.

I only have 5 more nights of circuit training and 3 more opportunities to get my butt back in the pool.

I am down another 6 pounds and yesterday, I got the best compliment.  My friend hugged me and said, you are feeling smaller!  It is the little moments you have to hold onto, especially when you are not seeing a change in the mirror.

Last night, my girlfriend was talking to her colleagues and sent them a picture of us from last night.  They said, I looked great and then one of them told her she felt guilty for eating an Oreo cookie. She then said she was creating a hashtag #loseitlikeGretchen.  I love it!

 I have a business trip at the end of January and I am hoping, I won't need the seat belt extender for the flight.  I may end up crying if that happens! 

I am going to work on a goal board when my mom gets here.  She is crafty and good with stuff like that.  Although losing the weight and inches will be motivation, I am looking forward to rewarding myself with little things along the way.

Pretty soon, I will be posting, saying I will see you on the other side when I make it to the loser's bench!

Support versus Enabling

I belong to several Facebook support groups for WLS.  I have to say, I think that number is going to decrease.  I think that people join these groups so someone can say, oh it's okay that you aren't following the plan, hey don't beat yourself up because your surgery didn't work. 

JUST STOP IT!  It is not okay at 3 months to be eating chips and bread.  It is not okay at 3 months to eat without measuring your food.  You have to measure, so you can learn what 3 oz looks like.  Let's face it people.  I didn't get to be morbidly obese because I ate like a naturally thin person!

 It is one thing to say, hey you fell off the wagon, wipe off the dirt and climb back on.  But that is not what I am reading in these groups.  I am not sure if it is because my surgery center is AMAZING, and I took the 6 month prep seriously and others did not have a surgery group that was dedicated to their patient's entire journey, but the crap I continue to see is frustrating.  I have said it before, but it is because people choose not to stick to the plan, that gives WLS a bad rap.

Guess what, we ruined our metabolism and hunger signals once.  WLS is our 2nd chance at life.  It is a reset.  Our last chance to treat our bodies right.  I am not naive to think I will NEVER eat the foods I love again.  BUT I need to be strong enough, and love myself enough to not eat them until after I am maintaining. 

If we put chips, pizza, delicious warm bread (okay, clearly that is my weakness) into our new stomachs, of course we will still feel hungry, these are slider foods.  They are not going to sustain us.  We are supposed to eat lean protein, then non-starchy veggies and then fruits or starchy veggies IF we are still hungry.  Let's face it, we didn't do a great job prior to surgery listening to our hunger ques. 

I am sure I will stumble, but I don't want or NEED a group of people telling me my behavior is okay.  I need people to tell me to get real and knock it off.  If the journey was easy, wouldn't everyone take it?  I sort of wish that there was ongoing counseling through the approval process.  I really believe most people don't make the changes necessary to be successful.  You don't wake up from surgery with your head changed, just your stomach.

Okay.......enough ranting!

25 days........

Wow.......only 25 days until I am headed to the hospital to give myself a 2nd chance at life!

Time is flying and I am just ready to stop preparing and start the next part of the journey.

I have everything purchased, except the protein water.  Just haven't decided if I am going to do Isopure or Atkins Lift.

I had my pre-op physical today, and Dr. Dow has approved me for surgery.  My blood pressure was a little high today, but she thinks it may be because I had just finished my iced coffee.  She isn't concerned about it being a problem for surgery.  My EKG was great.  She is still waiting for my blood work to come back, but she doesn't think it will show anything.

I won't see her for another 3 months and I am hoping at that time, I will be able to be weighed on her office scale.  I warned her, if that happens, I will CRY! That will be such a huge milestone.

I did learn today that vitamin E could cause your blood to thin, so she told me to stop taking any multi-vitamins just to be safe.  This entire journey has been an education!

I am getting nervous about stopping my birth control pill, not because of pregnancy risk, but because it helps to regulate my cycle, which is a hot mess without it.  I know that it is important because of the risk of blood clots and the fact that my hormones are going to need time to adjust after the surgery.  Thankfully, I have an appointment with my gyn before the surgery.  Hopefully she will have a suggestion for me.

So....here is to another 25 days of waiting.  That also means I have 7 more nights of strength training and 8 more aqua bootcamp classes.......UGH!  It is getting real!

All systems are a go to less of Gretchen

Well....it's official, my surgery has been approved by BCBS of Alabama!  I called insurance, just to see if COMP has submitted my paperwork.  I know how busy the office is, so I didn't want to bother them, but I was curious.  I didn't expect insurance to say it was already approved, but that was an excellent surprise!

So............this time, 29 days from today, I will be on the loser's bench.......

Holy crap..........29 days!

The effect of weightloss surgery on relationships

I came across an article today that indicates, weight loss surgery may not be great for marriages and families. 

 http://www.personalmedicare.com/bariatric-surgery-may-harm-marital-and-family-relationships/

This is what I have to say about that.....of course it can.  Everything we choose to do in life has the potential to impact our relationships negatively.  But here is a novel idea...communicate with those you love about what is happening.  We are human, so there are always going to be insecurities.

Will my partner still want me when they are in a smaller shell.  Will the attention, they may get from others, make them want to stray.  Will I still be attracted to my partner after they lose the weight.  How is our dynamic going to change.

I have seen opposing posts in the online support groups I follow.  Some say, their relationship has been ruined and others say, it has just become much stronger.  I think it depends on the status of your relationship before you have the surgery.

I have had to re-evaluate some of my friendships and realize, the only thing we had in common was food and alcohol.  Well, that isn't going to work for me any longer. I have friends who have already hinted that they are jealous I will be smaller than I am now.  Guess what, I am not going to be the jovial fat friend anymore.  I will just be the jovial friend who now is in a different shell.

My life changes, helped to push my dad to stop smoking.....so why can't we find the positive in the changes we choose to make ourselves healthier?

Relationships shouldn't be stagnant.  They should grow and change as people grow and change.  Someone who loves you, should want you to be around as long as possible.  They should want you to be the vest version of you, that you can be.

I say, kick those people, who aren't on board with your new life, to the curb!

jumping off my soapbox now

The countdown begins......

Wow.......the last month has flown by!  In just 32 days, Alfredo will be reduced by 2/3.

That means, I have 32 days to buckle down, get some weight off and build up more muscle to make recovery much easier.  This weekend, the darn fun sized candy got the best of me.  It is all out of my house. now, which is a very good thing. 

Tonight, the plan is to go through my fridge and get rid of anything that still lingers that is a no no food.  I have already cleaned out the pantry.

Sometimes, I ask myself, why was I so hesitant to make this decision 5 years ago.  But in all honesty, I just wasn't ready to make the change, to dig my feet in and make the commitment to become healthier.  To choose me over food.  So, now is my time!  Now I get to put myself first. 

I am hoping to be able to drive to MA with my parents and pup after my 1 week follow up appointment.  This way, they don't have to rearrange their schedule and lives for an extended period of time.  I will finish out my medical leave there and then stay through the end of December and work from there.  I am thankful my supervisor was open this arrangement and that I work for a company that values their employees.

 Sometimes in life, we hold on to who we are because it is easier than changing.  But change can be so beautiful, even when it is scary. I keep thinking about one of my favorite childhood books, Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus.  If you haven't read it, do so ASAP.  It is a lesson we could all take to heart.  I have a friend who lives her life to the fullest.  She doesn't have any regrets.  If she wants to do it, she does it.  Her spirit is contagious and inspiring.  She even went to Antarctica with a cast on her leg.

I am excited for my rebirth.  For the moment, I get a second chance at life, a second chance to treat my body with the respect it deserves.  One of my goal gifts is to get a new tattoo.  I think it is either going to be a phoenix or a butterfly.  I love the symbolism of the both. 

So in 32 days and 2 hours, my life will change forever, but change for the better!  Do I feel some fear?  Of course I do.  But I also know, this is the right decision for me.  So, I am going to get back to being diligent with going to the gym and not "cheating" with my food choices.  I am also self imposing at least a 7 day clear liquid diet, even though I am only required to do a 2 day clear liquid diet.  I also am only required to do 2 weeks of starch free, but I am doing 4 weeks instead.  Anything I can do to help make my surgery as successful as possible.

MIA

I had a realization on Friday.  I haven't written a post in about 3 weeks.  When I thought about why, I realized, I haven't been on point as much as I should have been.  Not always choosing the best foods, having alcohol, only going to the gym 2 times a week.

So, I'm back, ready to be accountable to myself and all of you! 

I have been allowing some stresses in my world to derail me and be an excuse.  I realized it was an issue when I ate something this weekend and got a feeling of euphoria.  No seriously, it was like a high.  So, bread, you seriously need to go.  You have no place in my world anymore.  You will not be a drug I put in my body any longer. 

So today, is day one of the rest of my journey.  I will be on the losers bench in 41 days!

Drum roll please.........

On December 2nd at 10:45am, I will be in pre-op waiting for Dr. Bello to remove 2/3 of Alfred (my stomach).  It has been a challenging journey, lots of life changes, but the past 6 months was worth it.  I never thought I would get weight loss surgery, it just wasn't something I thought about.  When I read the studies that came out about the Biggest Loser contestants, that all changed for me.  I knew I had made the right decision when I left the office this morning.  I can't wait to see where the journey continues to take me!

So here it is, 6 months after I began this journey and in 2 months, I will undergo weight loss surgery.

I have set up alarms in my phone for to help me remember and time my vitamin intake.

I have set up reminders to stop taking the medicine that I have to stop taking certain medications.

I need to really look at my calendar and put in for my sick leave.  I work for an amazing company and can do lots of work from home, so I am not worried about the time away being approved.

I have updated the pages on the blog to include a sample vitamin and medication schedule, what meds I have to stop and when, what meds I will have to take after surgery.

Tomorrow I will call my PCP and schedule my pre-op appointment.  Then I just have to wait to hear that insurance has approved!

Phew........2 months to finalize everything!

Well hello nerves.......

So, 6 months ago, I made the decision to take a drastic step towards changing my life.  I started, with the thought that if I changed my mind, at least I spent 6 months with a nutritionist and making positive life changes.  Now the time has come for me to have my final appointment with the surgeon.

At 8am tomorrow morning, I will find out what day Alfred (my stomach), will be reduced by 3/4.

No turning back after that day, can't put Alfred back, once he is gone.

People keep asking me how I am feeling.  My response is always, depends on when you are asking.  I would day 95% of the time, I know this is the right choice for me.  I am 43 and I would really like to live another 50 or so years.  Lots to do out there in the world and I am just starting.  There is still 5% of me that says.......OMG, what the hell are you about to do Gretchen? 

I think I am just ready for the next step on this journey.  I am very excited that Dr. Bello will be giving me another chance at life.  This surgery will help to reset my metabolism, give me an opportunity to change my hunger cues and change my relationship with food forever.  Failure is just not an option.  I deserve this!  I am worth this!  Screw everyone who continues to say, I am cheating and taking the easy way out.

Unless you have been morbidly obese for the majority of your life (or even just struggled with being obese, not just needing to lose 5 or 10 lbs.), then you have no idea how the thought of completely starting over feels. I am still going to have to work hard to make sure my tool is used correctly.  I will still have to be disciplined about what I choose to put in my mouth.  I am going to still have to drag my butt to the gym to get my workouts in.

Easy????  Nope, not a chance.  I wish I had followed my doctor's advice 5 years ago and started this journey.  I already feel better than I have in years, I can do more (like getting up off the floor without struggling). If you had asked me 6 months ago if I thought I would be able to lift over 50lbs of weight on some machines....I would have laughed at you.  I am still in awe each time Liz increases the amount of weights on the machines. 

I think the biggest thing I am nervous about is how I am going to handle the rapid weight loss and dysmorphia I think I am going to experience.  But I have armed myself with an amazing group of people to help me through each step of the way!

If you hear a scream coming from Towson, MD tomorrow.......it is probably just me after finding out my surgery date!

You can not stretch your stomach after surgery!

Okay......I just want people to stop saying they have stretched out their new stomachs.  It is not stretched, you have just hit a place where your hunger signals are coming back and the capacity in your stomach is not up to 1 1/2 cups where as someone who has not had surgery usually can hold 4-6 cups of food in their stomach.

Here is a good video explaining why bariatric surgery helps people lose weight.

https://youtu.be/Vz8eOWCxKcg

I found it fascinating that when you are put under anethesia for the surgery, your body knows it's current normal weight is the weight you are at, so it fights to stay there.  BUT when you wake up, your body automatically adjusts to what it believes the new normal should be and increases its metabolism and decreases your hunger cues.  Isn't the human body amazing?? 

I know I have mentioned it before.....BUT as the doctor in the video mentioned.....as your body gets closer to it's new normal, your hunger cues will come back.  It is up to us to make sure we don't wait too long between meals to eat or we risk over eating and skewing the hunger cues again.  If we take the first 12-18 months to really listen to our body, to really change the relationship with have with food, to get our arses to the gym (or do some type of exercise daily), then after the honeymoon period, we should still be successful.

Sooo........I will remember the words from the video, lean on my new gastric surgery friends and I will be successful!

In 8 days I should now when I will join the losers bench!

 

What if I can't do this?

OMG........I have my final appointment with the surgeon in 10 Days........10 Days!!!!!!!

Right now, I am filled with excitement, doubts and fear.  I have been seeing some pictures of friends that have had the surgery, and for whatever reason, the appear to be struggling with regain.  What makes me stronger than they are? My entire life (earliest diet I remember was at 13), I have struggled with this demon.

Yes, I have worked really hard over the past 6 months to make positive life style changes.  Yes, I still struggle to make the right decisions, but tend to choose correctly 90% of the time.  But what if........

My dad says.....you have 2 options:  1) You succeed, you change your life for the better and we all get to have you around longer  OR 2) I fly to Baltimore and kick your ass.

I shared with my mom that I think the nerves are coming from just being ready to be over this hump and get my new life started.......

PCP 6 month follow up

I had my regular 6 month appointment with my PCP today.  This is the first time I have seen her since my decision to have WLS.  She has been my PCP for 5 years now and she has watched me lose and regain the same 70 lbs during that time.  Today was to focus on my A1C1.  Great news!  My A1C1 is 5.5!  A normal A1C1 level is below 5.7.

I am currently not even pre-diabetic! Shhhh.....don't tell my doctor, but I haven't been the best at talking all of my metformin.  What does that mean?  It means, my body is regulating my glucose levels without much assistance from medication!  She has now lowered my dosage by 500mg.

My blood pressure was also excellent.  Now the next number to get closer to "normal" is my BMI.
My current BMI is 64.  I need to be below a BMI of 30 to no longer be obese.Your BMI is determined by your height and your weight.  The charts show that a normal weight for me would be between 117lbs and 154lbs.  Right now, my goal weight is 180lbs.  That is a self imposed goal weight, not one that Dr. Bello has given me.


This is the first time in 5 years, I have left the dr.'s office and she seemed thrilled with my progress.  She even pre-scheduled a pre-op physical to ensure I can get on her schedule.

She completed the PCP letter of support and it was faxed over to COMP!  One more hurdle down.

The last hurdle is getting the written approval by insurance.  I can't believe the journey to the losers bench is almost at an end.  These past 6 months have flown by.  I did find out today, that most likely my surgery will be scheduled 4-5 weeks from the final appointment.  So that means the first or 2nd week in November.  My mom said, the surgery is going to happen exactly at the time it is supposed to happen........I am just feeling anxious and impatient to get the next phase of my life started.  I have decided to make myself a present for when I do have the surgery.  I will be making an expandable bracelet that has a little bench for a charm.  It will remind me, daily, that I have made a very big step to changing my life forever.  I am committing to working towards no longer being obese.  Normally, people would say the end is in sight.  I am going to say, the beginning is in sight!

Let's talk about non-scale victories!

My scale hasn't really moved the way I want it to....so I decided it is time to focus on the non-scale victories.

I noticed a few things over the weekend, that made me pause and think......damn, your body really is changing!  I feel different when I move, when sitting in chairs, and while driving......it is the little things we take for granted or don't pay attention to, that really matter!

So here are some specifics:

1. I used to have to completely contort my body to buckle my seat belt.   Now, I just pull the seat belt across my chest and snap it into place, no twisting and turning!
2. I had to readjust my car seat so I could see out of the mirrors, guess my rump is getting smaller.
3. I have always DREADED sitting in a chair with arms.  On Friday night, I went out with a friend and was able to fit comfortably in the chair.
4. On Saturday, I was taking pictures at a party for a 1 year old.  In case you didn't notice, they are not very tall!  So in order for me to get some good shots of her, at her level, I had to squat.  To my surprise, I was able to squat and stay in that position for more than 3 secs.  6 months ago, I would have tumbled over.  This means my core is strengthening!
5. When I put on a fitted tank top yesterday, I looked in the mirror and thought....wow, I really am getting a waist!  AND my boobs look higher (thank you chest presses).
6. I was also able to latch my bra on the next smallest hook placement.

We get so hung up on the number on the scale, we forget that our body is giving us other clues that good things are happening.  I have said from the beginning, I want healthier curves and my goal isn't to be skinny!  Well, now I am 17 days away from my final appointment with Dr. Bello........So that means I am about a month out from surgery.  I have a lot of work to do before then (in and out of the gym)!

I fell off the wagon and need to get back on!

Something has happened to my motivation.  I am not sure if it is the fact that my final pre-surgery appointment is quickly approaching and my nerves have kicked into gear or if it is just me allowing hurdles in my life to be a crutch to welcome old habits back into my daily routine.

I committed to giving up starches and alcohol as of September 1st....I have not been successful in doing so!  As a matter of fact, I have had more starch in my diet for the past 2 weeks, than I have since I started this journey in April. I never knew how disgusting processed carbs made my body feel, until I went without them. It all started when I allowed myself to indulge in a delicious soft pretzel.  If you didn't believe that people can have trigger foods before you started reading my blog.....please believe it now!  I love soft pretzels, seriously LOVE them.  They are a comfort food for me.  They remind me of summer days at the ballpark with my best friend.  The remind me of my West Coast home.  And, of course, they are just down right amazing!

Now....don't get me wrong, I have still made some very good decisions.  I have mentioned Fall is my favorite season.  One of my Fall traditions is going to Weber's Farm.  When I would go to Weber's, I would inevitably buy a pumpkin roll.  Yep, an entire pumpkin roll.......and then proceed to eat it in 2 days, with no assistance from anyone else.  Darn you pumpkin.......you are one of my kryptonites! (I have found a solution to fulfill that craving....more later).  When I was hanging out with friends this weekend, they wanted Royal Farms fried chicken.....I know what you are thinking, she must have given in....how can one say no to Royal Farms friend chicken??  Nope, I had 2 boiled eyes and a diet iced tea instead.  So, I am happy to know that I haven't given up completely.  That my choices are more often than not, good ones.  I am also recognizing, more easily, what my pitfalls are and trying to correct them immediately. 

So how am I going to proceed?  I am going to kick myself into gear, tell myself to knock it off and remember the goal.  This is not a diet, every piece of food I put in my mouth is MY choice.  I don't have to take a piece of bread from the bread basket.  I can stay away from the bakery at Wegmans or Weber's Farm.  I can not step foot into the Amish Market so I am not tempted by those devilish pretzels!  I can remember how my body feels when I get my butt to the gym at least 4 times a week. (I did notice a huge difference when I parked at the far end of the parking lot and wasn't winded walking to the store.)  I can remember that the more I change now, the more focused I am on my health now, the easier it will be after surgery.  The safer my surgery will be.  I can get up the 8th time....and do my best not to fall again, and if I do fall.....I will just climb onto a new wagon, because clearly the last wagon wasn't the right one for me!

I have to remember it is okay to be selfish right now.  To focus on me.  I know my true friends and my family will understand that if I don't take care of me now.....their time with me will be shortened.  I have many adventures yet to have......I can't have them if I am dead  and if I remain morbidly obese, that is where I am headed........

So Gretchen Ann, knock it off!  Climb onto the new wagon and know that you have support to help steer you in the right direction!

Random musings......

Soo......a few things have happened the past few days that have been mulling around in my head.

1. Went to Weber's Farm and was so proud of myself because normally I walk away with cider donuts and pumpkin roll.  Well....I walked away with fresh peaches and honey crisps apples.  I also bought a small container of cider because I know I won't be able to have any the rest of the season.  Oh...and in full disclosure, I had a 16oz peach slush......
2. I realized that I tend to have major medical procedures in the Fall.
1. Miscarried on 9.9.02
2. Had a DNC in September 2005
3. Had a DNC in October 2009
4. Had emergency spinal surgery on 9.9.11
5. Expecting to have WLS in October 2016.
3. Fall is my favorite my favorite season.  I love apple picking, cider (warm and cold) hayrides, corn mazes, the crisp air, leaves changing, etc.  Why is it I have so many medical events in the Fall?
4. You just never know who is going to be supportive of your surgery and who isn't.   

Someone I thought was going to be very supportive, told me that she thinks the surgery is a crutch.  My response was, well I am sorry you define the tool I am choosing to regain control over my life as a crutch, but I have worked really hard at changing my relationship with food, incorporating exercise into my daily life and getting my head straight in order to be successful with the tool.  She said, a tool is something you don't need, but it is just helpful to have.  I said, well actually a carpenter can not build without a hammer, a surgeon needs a scalpel or laser to cut, a baseball player needs a bat and ball to do his job, those are all tools of the trade.  Someone with HIV or diabetes needs the medicine they take to continue living life day to day.  Could they do without the tools...sure, but will they be successful without them?  We ended the conversation with agreeing to disagree.  I will never be able to convince people like her that WLS is not an easy option.  She understands it is life altering, literally changing your anatomy, but doesn't seem to grasp why people choose it.  I am a 43 year old woman who has struggled with morbid obesity since I was 15.  I have damaged my metabolism and need the tool to help save my life.



On the other hand, I started talking with a guy from BBWCUPID.com, last September.  We have chatted on and off over the past year and reconnected this past weekend.  I don't know why, but I felt like I needed to tell him about the surgery.  We did meet on a website where the men are looking for larger women.  I didn't want him to invest any time, if in a few months, he wasn't going to be attracted to me.  He, was supportive.  Said, the attraction started because of my size, but he has gotten to know me over the past year and a shell is a shell.  What, a mature guy?  Someone who admits physical attraction is important, but so is being attracted to the person inside the shell?

Anyway......been a weekend of thinking.  As my final appointment approaches, my nerves are starting to increase.  There are times I wish I had made this decision while I was in my 30's, but I also know that I wasn't ready.  Every change I made to my lifestyle felt forced.  Now, I don't feel like I am dieting, I feel like I am choosing to be healthier.  I have said it before, and will say it again.......I am more than happy to have as many people as possible on this ride with me, BUT you have to be supportive.  Honesty is fine, but judgement is not accepted.

Thanks for reading my ramblings!

WLS and Cholecystectomy

Did you know that there is a direct correlation between weight loss surgery and the need for a cholecystectomy?

Okay....you are probably asking what a cholecystectomy is.  I know I didn't know the medical term, I always just called it gallbladder removal surgery.  Yep, rapid weight loss is a major factor for the development of gall stones (cholecystitis).  They have done a study of patients who underwent cholecystectomy after WLS.  The study occurred on patients who had WLS surgery and then their gallbladder removed between 2005 and 2011.

The risk for having to have your gallbladder removed is highest within the first 6 months after WLS.  Gastric Bypass patients have the highest risk, but the overall percentage of WLS patients needing a cholecystectomy is around 4%.

Interesting....this is never a question I would have thought to ask if I hadn't been part of so many support groups.

This makes me wonder, what else I should be asking in my final appointment..........

 

Carb Overload

So.........as I was driving to Wegmans this weekend, I had to drive by the Amish Market........

First, how the heck have I NEVER been there in the 10 years I have lived here???  I go to the garden center right next to it all the time.  Now, I am convinced it is a good thing, that this magical location has not been part of my world.  I am telling you....it is dangerous in there!

My all time favorite junk food snack is a soft pretzel.  I don't care if it is with mustard, plain, with something sweet and gooey, covered in crab dip.......you get the picture.  I have heard the soft pretzels in the market are delicious.  Well.....I heard correctly.

Unfortunately, the pretzel was the beginning of my downfall.  I ended up carb overloading this weekend.  I know, I know......not a good move.  BUT I did learn a valuable lesson.  Simple carbs make me feel like CRAP!  I have felt sluggish, irritable, sleepy, nauseous and crampy. Now, I definitely didn't look as cute as this puppy during my food coma state. 

I am also still feeling the effects as I sit here and can see my tummy is a little distended.  Of course, while my carb overloading was occurring, a little voice in my head kept saying, It's okay, you are going no starch, no alcohol on September 1st.  Just enjoy this while you can. 

Listen to me little voice.......stop it right this minute!  I have worked way too hard over the last 5 months to allow you to sabotage me.  I know what this is about.  The surgery date is getting closer and you are nervous.  Well TOUGH!  We are doing this to make our lives better, to give us a 2nd chance at the life we want to have.  To live longer and healthier.  Trust me, we will be happy when we see more changes (for the better). So, put down the pretzel and walk away...no run away! (okay, done with scolding myself).

As I have previously, it is sometimes easier to just give in.....to not try and change.....but I promised myself (and all of you), that I would not backslide this time.  So.........I will pretend today is September 1st. (at least for the no starches).  I do have a few more alcoholic drinks to enjoy over the next few days.

Reality is setting in

I can't believe it........WLS is becoming a reality.  I started the journey at the end of March with an information session, because I promised my PCP I would.  Then I met with Dr. Bello in April and I was still saying, no problem Gretchen, use the next 6 months as a time to really decide what you want to do and learn some new habits along the way.  Admittedly, about 4 months ago, I knew I was going to move forward with the surgery.  I started make positive life changes and seeing the change in my body solidified for me, that WLS was going to be the way to go.  I know I can lose the weight without the tool, but I have proven over and over again, that I haven't been able to maintain the weight loss.  I NEVER want to regain again!  Today, my reality began to creep up a little closer.  I received the call from GBMC COMP that said Dr. Bello approved my final appointment and that I could make it for as soon as the first week in October. 

I will admit, I teared up a little bit.  I was in a training session, so as soon as I had a break, I called and scheduled for October 6th!  UGH......now I am happier than ever that I gave myself September 1st as my cut off for alcohol and starch.  Last month, I was disappointed because I was starting to think my surgery wouldn't happen until late November.....now I am hopeful it will occur at the end of October. 

Sigh........it is amazing and terrifying to think that by the end of October, I may have a new tool to take my life back.  It is crazy to think that this time next year, I could be down over 100 lbs.  That is like loosing an entire person!  So......today, I will force myself to get in the car, drive to the gym, lift some weights, let my trainer push me and know.....that as the journey continues, as my body keeps changing........living day to day life WILL become easier.  Next step, figuring out how to navigate the world in a new shell.......I am guessing I will need some professional help with that and I am pretty sure, I will be asking Dr. Giggey to assist me!

So here's to the continued journey to healthier curves!  I hope those in my world continue to stick around for the next part of the journey.

Operation no more alcohol (for at least a year) has commenced!

I have to say that the life change (due to WLS), that I get the most comments about is no alcohol for at least 1 year post surgery.  I know I talk about drinking often and I love going to beer and wine festivals, BUT realistically I don't drink very often.  Of course I like have the option!  So, when I made the decision to do WLS, I told myself that September 1st would be the beginning of my alcohol free period.  It will help with the liver reduction diet and prepare me for the year ahead.

I still don't have a surgery date, but I am hoping it will be at the end of October.  I have my final nutritionist appointment on September 9th, with the hopes of scheduling with the surgeon for the beginning of October.  Ideally, I would like to be on soft foods by Thanksgiving.

So I have asked my friends to take some of the wine and alcohol I have on hand out of my house so I am not tempted.  I know, my friends are pretty amazing, they are taking one for the team and gladly accepted the challenge.  Last week, I was able to gift 5 bottles to my friend Brian.  Just need a few more friends to shop in my wine collection and I will be good!  I am keeping a few bottles of my favorites.  Of course, they will end up lasting me a while after surgery.

After surgery, alcohol will be 4 times as potent than before surgery.  That means, I will reach legal intoxication quickly.  Currently, my rule is no driving after 1 drink.  My new rule will be no driving after any drinks.

People say, why a year without alcohol?  I have mentioned before that the first 12-18 months is the honeymoon period.  Your new tummy is doing the heavy lifting for you (you increase the weight loss amount, by eating on program and working out).  Even though alcohol is partly metabolized in our stomach, it continues to be metabolized in our small intestines.  As the food is processed in our stomachs, it is slowly pushed into the small intestines and if you are drinking alcohol, that fills up the voids and follows the food into the small intestines.  So you are getting a steady flow of alcohol because the food is processed slowly over time.  This is why you feel drunk quicker on an empty stomach.  Not to mention, most alcohol is filled with carbohydrates, which is a no no for WLS patients.

I am amazed at the number of posts from people that are drinking 1 month out of surgery.  I don't understand.  Why put your body through major surgery to sabotage yourself.  These are the same people who tend to complain about the psych eval.  I may complain about having to wait over 6 months to have the surgery, but I also know it has provided me with time to get my head right, to get my bad habits under control and get my big ole booty into the gym.  I wish more people would take the time to prepare.  Insurance would be less likely to have WLS as an exclusion in most policies, there would be less need for revisions and WLS wouldn't be perceived as an easy way out.  It is just a tool, not a magic pill.

Morbidly obese people didn't get to be morbidly obese because our relationship with food was healthy.  For the first time in all my years of "dieting" I don't feel like I am on a diet.  I feel like I am choosing a better lifestyle.  I am choosing life over food. 

Ready for my "normal" schedule to return

I have not done a great job with putting myself first over the past month.  As I have mentioned, this is a busy time at work and as a leader, I feel guilty when I am not at work and my team members are.  It is not a justified guilt, but it is there non the less........

During "normal" times of the year, I try to leave the office at 4pm.  This allows me to get home, take care of my pup and then head out to the gym (or whatever activity I have planned).  Of course, I have been feeling guilty that my pup is not getting enough time with me........My plan is to get back to my schedule after August 26th.

So that means, working 8am-4pm, Circuit Training Monday and Wednesday 6:30pm-7:30pm, Aqua Boot Camp Tuesday and Thursday 6:30pm-7:30pm and Saturday 7:45am-8:45am.  That leaves Friday night for friends, Saturday afternoon and Sunday to take care of my personal errands (laundry, food shopping, pet store, training with the pup, etc.)

Even though, I don't enjoy working out, I like the results.  It is frustrating when I have all intentions of hitting the gym and work gets in the way!  UGH....whether it is a parent who needs some hand holding, or the staff who neglected to tell us we needed more mattresses (that was today's drama), just seems I can't get out of the office these days.

The good news is, I walked 21 out of 33 buildings (no elevators), so lots of steps and calories burned.  I am glad that I am not missing Aqua Bootcamp (the pool is closed for cleaning this week).  It is hard to stay motivated when you are over tired.  I am proud that I haven't chosen poor food choices during this time, that is a big change for me.  I will admit, I have been enjoying some alcohol, BUT I had given myself the deadline of September 1st to stop drinking alcohol (I am still pre op) and don't have a scheduled date yet, but hoping it will be at the end of October.

Next week, there will still be some late nights, because we have several residents who have chosen to not move in until next week, BUT the pool will be open again on Monday, so I will be back to circuit training 2 days a week and aqua bootcamp 3 days a week.  This girl has to get another 10 lbs off before surgery!

My cravings are torturing me....so I am trying to keep my protein intake high to keep me satisfied and trying to remind myself, it is head hunger, not physical hunger.  It is my mind trying to get me to fall into my old habits of snaking on salty/sweet items and chasing them with diet Dr. Pepper.......

Here's to finding normalcy sooner rather than later!

Dear God.......

Okay.....I love God, I pray to him, believe in him and hope that he has a plan for us all as we walk through this life. I am a little upset with him right now.  (Don't worry, I have told him)  My cousin Jenny's husband was diagnosed with ALS last year.  Rob hasn't been in her life long enough, but as soon as he was diagnosed, they made the choice to fight and to live life with each other as best they could.  I am sitting at my desk, crying as I write this.  I am so angry!


Jenny is just 38 years old.  She has seen too much lose in her short life.  She is one of the strongest people I know.  She has been watching Rob slip away from her more and more each day.  They were married last year and you can see their love when they look at each other.  I watched Jenny change through pictures.  When she started seeing Rob, she was glowing.  She found someone who made her feel special, who loved her for who she is and she loved him right back.  Their commitment to one another, through it all  is inspiring.  Rob told Jenny that she could leave him, find someone else who wasn't ill.  Jenny didn't budge, she loved him.  You don't leave the people you love in their time of need.

On Sunday night, Rob stopped breathing and Jenny had to give her husband CPR.  NOT FAIR! Rob was rushed to the hospital and has been in ICU, unresponsive.  She has some very difficult decisions to make.  Just the other night, Rob and Jenny talked about Rob's wishes.  Not an easy conversation for anyone to have.  You have to love someone tremendously to say goodbye when you are not ready.  To say goodbye when time has been stolen from you because of a horrible disease. ALS is cruel and evil.
It breaks my heart that Rob will not be here to see a cure or treatment.  It breaks my heart to know Jenny has to say goodbye to someone else she loves. It breaks my heart to know that people with ALS can't do anything about their body betraying them.  I can't even imagine having my mind and knowing what is happening, but having my body fail. 

I am heartbroken that all I can do is spread the word about this cruel reality.  All I can do is pray that Jenny finds peace as she makes the most difficult decision of her life.  I know my Aunt Emma is going to great him in heaven with open arms.  I know Emma has watched how Rob has loved her daughter.  I am still angry with God.  It isn't fair.

So I ask that you send prayers into the universe so Jenny and Rob find peace through their journey.  I ask that you take the time to tell the people in your life that you love them.  Life is fragile and none of us know how long we will be roaming the earth.  Love does not conquer all, but it sure does help us through the difficult times.

Reality vs Expectations = Disappointment

So have had 24 hours of up and down emotions.  Which landed me in disappointment valley!  I have 2 choices, I can hang out here OR I can focus on the great stuff happening.  I have decided to suck it up and focus on the good.

Let's start with the great news I received last night!  Take a look at my measurements.  I told you, a few posts back, that my numbers we re not pretty....but they are what they are.

Take a look at the total change!  Yep, you are reading that correctly, 8.5 total inches lost since June 29th.  Imagine what I can do if I actually worked out more consistently!  The chest, waist and neck are the numbers that I couldn't believe!  If this isn't motivation, I am not sure what is!

So here I was, on a high from my great night at the gym and so excited about my last nutrition appointment today.......and bam, I ended up in disappointment valley.  Apparently, according the the information COMP has, from my insurance, I still need another NUT appointment.  I was given the green light by NUT today and told I was ready to schedule with the surgeon.  All my testing was done, I lost my 5 lbs, I have added exercise and changed my eating habits......all was good to go!  And then.......I went to the receptionist and she popped my enthusiasm bubble.  Yep, one more NUT appointment and then I can do my final with Dr. Bello.  That means, I won't see him until October, which means, unless he has surgery opens quickly after that, I may not have surgery until November.  BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have 2 choices, hang out with my disappointment or move forward.  Use this as an opportunity to lose more weight and inches.  I would love to lose another 20 lbs before I have the surgery.  I will continue to reinforce exercise as habit and keep eating the way I am.

I have to keep my eye on the prize......I am kicking myself for not starting this journey earlier.....but I know there are more changes in my future!

So....here I go, looking forward, pushing through and making things happen.

Thanks again for following my journey!  It helps me to know that people are paying attention.  You each provide me with a level of accountability!