By the Numbers.....It's been awhile and I'm not thrilled, but progress is progress

 

Sometimes you just need a wake up call or an affirmation that you know something needs to change.  I'm not anywhere near where I wanted to be at 18 months out from surgery, BUT progress is progress.

I started back at the gym in March, but have not been consistent.  I have also allowed some bad food habits to creep back in.  Starch has found it's way back and it isn't pretty.  It makes me feel GROSS and stales my weight loss. I had my measurements done last night, in hopes that it would spark a renewed dedication to getting healthy.

I'm down 2 more inches since March, BUT that just isn't good enough.  I can do better.  No, I WILL do better! I'm definitely not beating myself up, I'm proud of how far I have come on this journey, BUT want to get so much farther.

Liz, divert your eyes for this next sentence.  I no longer HATE the gym, don't get me wrong, I don't have it, but it is much more tolerable.  I feel myself getting stronger after each training session.  I'm able to move my body more easily, I can walk longer distances and I just feel better.  My rings fit better, my bracelets are looser and my clothes fit differently.  

So I'm recommitting again! Each day I will do something positive towards my journey until I get back to everything being habit and not a struggle. Today, I'm walking 5 buildings at work and that is 31 flights of stairs! 

Tomorrow I will be headed back to the gym.

By the Numbers: Feeling better about my month

Yesterday I was feeling pretty down about my progress over the past month.  According to my personal scale, I had only lost 2lbs, but according to the gym scale, I have lost 7lbs.  But even better than that, although last month, I lost 10 more lbs.  This month I lost 2 more inches.  So I have no lost a total of 54.5 inches!  AND, my belly, which is where I want the inches to go down most (because as we know, circumference of your abdomen is a predictor of heart disease), is almost below 50 inches.  I have lost 11.5 inches JUST from my abdomen. 

This journey definitely can mess with your head.  It's about balance, it's about dedication, it's about loving myself more than the damn piece of pizza I want to eat.

I've never worked so hard at becoming healthier and I'm really proud of my progress.  I'm almost 1/2 way to my goal and only 5 months out from surgery.  I WILL do this!

My next scale goal is to hit 299.  That means I have 12lbs to go.  I want this by June 4th!  I CAN DO IT!

The countdown begins......

Wow.......the last month has flown by!  In just 32 days, Alfredo will be reduced by 2/3.

That means, I have 32 days to buckle down, get some weight off and build up more muscle to make recovery much easier.  This weekend, the darn fun sized candy got the best of me.  It is all out of my house. now, which is a very good thing. 

Tonight, the plan is to go through my fridge and get rid of anything that still lingers that is a no no food.  I have already cleaned out the pantry.

Sometimes, I ask myself, why was I so hesitant to make this decision 5 years ago.  But in all honesty, I just wasn't ready to make the change, to dig my feet in and make the commitment to become healthier.  To choose me over food.  So, now is my time!  Now I get to put myself first. 

I am hoping to be able to drive to MA with my parents and pup after my 1 week follow up appointment.  This way, they don't have to rearrange their schedule and lives for an extended period of time.  I will finish out my medical leave there and then stay through the end of December and work from there.  I am thankful my supervisor was open this arrangement and that I work for a company that values their employees.

 Sometimes in life, we hold on to who we are because it is easier than changing.  But change can be so beautiful, even when it is scary. I keep thinking about one of my favorite childhood books, Hope for the Flowers by Trina Paulus.  If you haven't read it, do so ASAP.  It is a lesson we could all take to heart.  I have a friend who lives her life to the fullest.  She doesn't have any regrets.  If she wants to do it, she does it.  Her spirit is contagious and inspiring.  She even went to Antarctica with a cast on her leg.

I am excited for my rebirth.  For the moment, I get a second chance at life, a second chance to treat my body with the respect it deserves.  One of my goal gifts is to get a new tattoo.  I think it is either going to be a phoenix or a butterfly.  I love the symbolism of the both. 

So in 32 days and 2 hours, my life will change forever, but change for the better!  Do I feel some fear?  Of course I do.  But I also know, this is the right decision for me.  So, I am going to get back to being diligent with going to the gym and not "cheating" with my food choices.  I am also self imposing at least a 7 day clear liquid diet, even though I am only required to do a 2 day clear liquid diet.  I also am only required to do 2 weeks of starch free, but I am doing 4 weeks instead.  Anything I can do to help make my surgery as successful as possible.

Reality vs Expectations = Disappointment

So have had 24 hours of up and down emotions.  Which landed me in disappointment valley!  I have 2 choices, I can hang out here OR I can focus on the great stuff happening.  I have decided to suck it up and focus on the good.

Let's start with the great news I received last night!  Take a look at my measurements.  I told you, a few posts back, that my numbers we re not pretty....but they are what they are.

Take a look at the total change!  Yep, you are reading that correctly, 8.5 total inches lost since June 29th.  Imagine what I can do if I actually worked out more consistently!  The chest, waist and neck are the numbers that I couldn't believe!  If this isn't motivation, I am not sure what is!

So here I was, on a high from my great night at the gym and so excited about my last nutrition appointment today.......and bam, I ended up in disappointment valley.  Apparently, according the the information COMP has, from my insurance, I still need another NUT appointment.  I was given the green light by NUT today and told I was ready to schedule with the surgeon.  All my testing was done, I lost my 5 lbs, I have added exercise and changed my eating habits......all was good to go!  And then.......I went to the receptionist and she popped my enthusiasm bubble.  Yep, one more NUT appointment and then I can do my final with Dr. Bello.  That means, I won't see him until October, which means, unless he has surgery opens quickly after that, I may not have surgery until November.  BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have 2 choices, hang out with my disappointment or move forward.  Use this as an opportunity to lose more weight and inches.  I would love to lose another 20 lbs before I have the surgery.  I will continue to reinforce exercise as habit and keep eating the way I am.

I have to keep my eye on the prize......I am kicking myself for not starting this journey earlier.....but I know there are more changes in my future!

So....here I go, looking forward, pushing through and making things happen.

Thanks again for following my journey!  It helps me to know that people are paying attention.  You each provide me with a level of accountability!

Being "real" at the gym

So, I have made it clear that I don't like going to the gym.  One reason I was hesitant to start going was because of the images that you see of people in the gym.  Let's face it, I am a big girl, I wiggle and jiggle. So, when I decided to start on this journey, I decided to start in the pool.  I am comfortable in the pool, confident in the pool, mostly because I have been swimming since before I could walk.

I didn't jump right into some of the more difficult classes, but started with the aqua arthritis classes.  I figured if someone twice my age could do it, so could I. I am hear to tell you......that class was no joke.  I definitely could feel my core working!  When I connected with someone from the GBMC COMP group, and we decided to try Aqua Zumba....I thought I was crazy.  I didn't love the class, it was good cardio, but the instructor was not great.  She never speaks.  Even though I thought I couldn't do it, I did!  During a class, I ended up talking with 2 women who said, I should try aqua boot camp. Boot camp?  Yep, I definitely thought those women were crazy.  But, I committed to going.  I don't love it, but I definitely feel it working and it helps that Mike (the instructor) isn't hard to look at!

Which brings me to the reason for this post.  The boot camp class is being filmed on Tuesday (for the gym's promotional stuff).  Mike has promised he won't make us get out of the pool, I guess because people have body image issues (which I certainly understand).  There are people who are choosing to skip class because of the filming, others who are choosing to wear clothes into the pool for the same reason.  My friend asked if I was wearing clothes....I said absolutely not, just my suit.  First of all, the class is not easy and I sure don't want to be weighed down by wet clothing.  Secondly, it is because gyms usually show "fit" people in their promotional ads and that is why I was so hesitant to join a gym.  At the beginning of my wls journey, I decided to be transparent about everything!  I wanted people to know that big people can get their butts to the gym and get healthy.  I definitely understand that not everyone is as confident as I am, but how are perceptions supposed to change, if we hide?  It is always more comfortable to work out with people more like us.  It is why I chose to do strength training with a trainer who works specifically with bariatric patients. BUT, I want to see more promo ads featuring real people.  Like these:

 I am sure you are aware of the reality shows that are surrounding obese people.  If Whitney and Ruby can get on camera and work out....so can we!  To be honest, I have never watched Whitney's show, but I used to watch Ruby religiously!  It is unfortunate, that these shows are "scripted" to where they are not showing all the ugly truths!  We all slip, we all cheat, we all fall......but that is why it is so important to make sure you have a support system.  Why shouldn't we see the real struggle?

Creating Habits......1 day at a time

Soooo........I may have mentioned this before, but I really don't enjoy working out.  Once I get to the gym, I give it my all, but I really have to fight with myself to get my butt in the car and drive to the gym.

It is really important to me, that working out becomes a habit and 2nd nature to me before the surgery.  My activity will be limited a bit right after the surgery, so I want to get as strong as I can now, so when I am cleared for more rigorous activity, I won't be starting from scratch.

I am thankful to have found a few people to keep me motivated to get to the gym.

So, I have been thinking, how do I make these new life changes habits??  Here is some information and suggestions I found:

1. Decide on a goal that you would like to achieve for your health.
2. Choose a simple behavior that you can do on a daily basis that will get you towards your goal.
3. Plan when and where you will do your chosen behavior. Be consistent. Choose a time and a place or a cue that you encounter every day of the week.
4. Every time you encounter that time and place or cue, do the behavior.
5. Put a check mark on the calendar each time you do the behavior. Also record how automatic the behavior felt.
6. It will get easier with time. Within 10 weeks, you should find you are doing it automatically without even having to think about it.
7. Congratulate yourself on having developed a healthy habit! 


I decided to focus a little on #5.  Except, let's face it, a check mark on the calendar, just isn't going to cut it for me.....So I think I am going to do marbles in a jar.  Then for every 50 times I go to the gym, I will treat myself to a facial.

I think I am close to making the gym a habit.  I had someone ask if I was able to get together next week.  I am flying to Boston on Thursday and she is in town Monday through Friday.  The only night I was willing to forgo the gym was Tuesday (because I don't go regularly on Tuesdays yet).  Monday and Wednesday are circuit training classes.  I already know I will miss that class on the 25th because of what time my flight gets into BWI, so I didn't want to miss a class this week and another next week.  Not because I love it, because I don't!  But because I already see some changes and already feel a little stronger.  I want to maximize that.  I only have 4 classes (after tonight) left and will be excited to see my measurements.  I can do circuit training as part of my gym membership, BUT I really like the small group and this trainer is amazing!  She understands bariatric patients and explains why we do each exercise.  I may end up either doing her bootcamp or signing up for another 8 classes of circuit training! (Yep, I am in as much disbelief as you that I just wrote that!)

Time to vent........

Okay, I am going to be judgemental for a minute.  Listen, I am a big girl, all 411 lbs of me......when I work out, it isn't pretty.  I hate it, no really, I HATE it.  I don't find anything enjoyable about it.  When my friends are eating pasta, pizza, cookies, cheesecake, do I want to be eating those things?  Of COURSE I DO! Do I wish there was a magic pill to make me healthier, to make the weight melt off?  OF COURSE I DO!

But, unfortunately, I did this to myself and only I can change it.  Trust me I get it, I have been the one making excuses, my back hurts, my dog needs attention, work was horrible today, blah, blah, blah.

I even did it last night......My stomach was bothering me, so I decided not to go to Aqua Boot Camp.  I did however change up my work out plan so I got some cardio in.  I used my stationary table top bike pedals and did 40 mins with my arms (20 mins going in 1 direction and 20 mins in the other direction).  I also took Maisie Moon on a 3 mile walk.  Yep, it was hot, yep we both didn't enjoy it, but we both had water and marched on.

I am working really hard to make sure that when the surgery date arrives, I am ready physically and mentally to make these changes permanent.  The new stomach is only a tool, not a quick fix.  I want people to stop saying the surgery failed them....no it didn't.  You chose to resume old habits or never change them to begin with.  I want people to stop saying, I can't exercise because of this or that.  Okay, if you are not exercising, put down the damn slice of pizza and adjust what you choose to put in your mouth. There is always something you can do to move your body.  (Again, I have been there and made excuses).  The difference is, I never said, I can't lose weight because I can't exercise.  Nope, I wasn't able to be successful in losing weight and keeping it off because I LOVE cheesecake, cheeseburgers, pizza, beer, wine, etc.  I loved those things more than I loved myself.  I loved those things, but didn't bother to exercise in order to allow me to eat those things. 

I woke up this morning and thought, hmmm......how can I justify not going to circuit training tonight.  A woman I met last week, and really like, can't go until the trainer comes back next week so she can sign up.  Okay, Gretchen, you can skip it.  NO I CAN'T.  I may have thrown up last week, I may have hated the stupid machine that killed my triceps and shoulders, and I may have not regained full use of my arms until Saturday, BUT I promised myself this time would be different.  I may throw up again tonight.....so what. I may not be able to lift my arm past a 90 degree angle, so what, that sounds like a good excuse to get a massage.

This time, no more excuses.  There are things in life I want to do and my size is holding me back.  I need to start respecting myself.  God only gave me this one body, it is shameful that I have not taken better care of it.  

If I am going to allow someone to remove 2/3 of my stomach........to make a permanent change to my anatomy, then I need to make the effort to use the tool.  If I can't make changes now, I have no business have the surgery.

End of vent!

Ponderings........

So last night, I got home from decorating cupcakes......

They look good don't they? Don't worry....I didn't eat one......no, I promise, I didn't...they are sitting on my desk because I knew if I had them in my house, I would eat them.  And not just one, all 4 of them.  So I figured my staff could have a little treat.,

Anyway, when I got home, I swear I heard my couch calling my name.  It was telling me how much it missed me.  You don't realize how much TV you watch, while laying on the couch, until you look at your DVR after a week of not being home in the evenings to watch your recorded shows.

Now when I get home, I take care of my pup's needs, make sure I eat something and drink more water, and usually climb into bed and fall asleep reading.  I feel like I am breaking up with my TV......sorry old friend!  I will say I have been sleeping a little better.

People keep saying, don't worry, it gets better, it gets easier, you will start to crave it.  Okay, but you know the song I'm A Believer that Neil Diamond wrote and the Monkees recorded??  Well, guess what, I am NOT a believer......that doesn't mean I won't be at some point, but what I want people to remember is, I am just starting the physical piece of this journey.  The most I have pushed myself, before now, is walking 5 miles at once (except when I climbed the Blarney Castle, that was a bitch!).  

Don't get me wrong, I am so appreciative of the support, recommendations, etc. I will continue to push myself as much as I can, but I also know I have limits and need to listen to my body.  I will learn the difference between my body feeling the results of a work out and my body telling me I went too far.  

By the way....those cupcakes I mentioned, they are calling me, but I am ignoring them!  That is the challenge for me...not justifying eating the bad food just because I burned some calories..........

If my head would stop playing games with me......I would be good to go!

Off to drink a protein shake!

And 25 years later...she decides it is a good idea to lift weight!

When I was in high school and we could choose our gym class each quarter, I always choose swimming, archery or weight lifting.  I preferred doing legs over arms and that holds true 25 years later.  Sooooo.........on this fabulous journey to healthier curves, I have made the commitment to incorporate physical activity.  I know that it will help strengthen and tone my body, which will also lead to the lose of inches. 

Last night, I went to my first strength circuit training class with http://www.bariatricbootcamp.net/.  Liz Dumont is the trainer and her knowledge is amazing!  She gets it, she knows where morbidly obese people are coming from and how to help them get to where they need to and want to be.  The gym, where the class is held, has a separate section for these classes.  It allowed me to be much more comfortable on the machines, without the fit people on a machine next to me.  It allowed me to work out with people who have weight struggles and understand the daily fight to get healthier. 

I was focusing on cardio-vascular workouts, but knew I needed to eventually add in the strength training.  When I saw Liz's post about the trial class, I immediately sent her an email.  I had spoken with the women in the support group about her and they said she was fantastic.  They were not lying!

I knew, going into last night, that I was going to have my butt handed to me. 

AND, I did.  As I finished my last bicep curl (on the 10lb weight, even though I tried to convince Liz to let me do it with the 5lb weight), I became flushed and knew I was going to puke.  SO, I put the weights back, and rushed to the bathroom.  UGH, I hate throwing up!  But I felt fantastic afterwards.  Liz felt badly, I said, no need, I just became overheated.  So, I think I need to rethink my work out clothing.  Needless to say, I gave Liz my credit card and signed up for her 8 class package.  I knew if I didn't do it right then, I wouldn't do it at all.  I met some great women, supportive and encouraging.  I look forward to working out with them as we change our bodies for the better (they are all post op). My arms are feeling the most effected today.  No I am not excited about lifting, no I don't rush out the door to get to the gym, but I am going to suck it up and go!

I have also found a pool buddy.  We will meet up starting tomorrow and then go to Aqua Zumba on Saturday.  This means, my butt has to get out of my office chair at 11:10 tomorrow morning so I can meet her at the gym at 11:30.

I will be looking for a new bathing suit (with a little more support for jumping around in the pool) and I need to research some better options to wear to the circuit training classes.

Sure wish there were more options for large women....feels like there is a niche in the market that is lacking!

To Eat Or Not To Eat

Today hasn't been the best food day for me.  I haven't been sleeping, got home late last night and then my poor pup had something wrong with her paw so I had to play nurse at 2:30am.  (so hard when they don't have words to use).

Needless to say, even though my therapist said I am not an emotional eater, I didn't plan well today.  Didn't pack breakfast and because I had eaten out last night, I didn't have lunch to bring today. (yep, very poor excuses and yes I recognize those are just excuses!).

So, I am trying to figure out, how I can motivate myself for the food piece.  I know once I start to see or feel the weight coming off, I will be more motivated to make better choices.  I know how to do this, I just need to force myself to do it.

I have toyed around with the idea of doing 2 meal replacements with protein shakes and then a protein packed dinner.  But I am concerned I will become dependent on the shakes. The surgeon said, they try to get their patients away from shakes after the liquid and soft food phases.  Most people don't use the shakes as a true meal replacement.  One of the protein powder companies, does what they call a BOT.  Back on Track.  It is targeted towards those who have already had WLS and regained.  In the program, you do 4-5 shakes a day.  That is $132 worth of protein powder (each of their bags is about $33 and has 20 servings.  The shakes are around 100 calories per serving.  Then you do a protein packed dinner.

Let's face it, I like food.  I didn't get to be morbidly obese because I eat like a bird and crave exercise.  I am in my shell because I don't always make the right choices and I would much prefer to lay my butt on the couch, cuddle with my pup and watch a movie or read.  I know, LAZY, but that is the truth.

I didn't walk my pup this morning because of her paw (she has a sore on one of the pads).  I was too tired to go to the pool because I just know I would have drowned (okay, yes that is another excuse).  I WILL use my bike pedals when I get home for at least 30 mins.  (Stop smiling....I will, I promise).

I also haven't been logging my food, which I know is a pitfall!  I need to see what I am eating in writing. 

Tomorrow, I am going to a circuit training sample class.  I have heard great things about the woman holding the class, she used to be morbidly obese and works with a lot of the women from my surgery center.  I am hoping this gives me another option.  I know I need to do lifting and strength training, but would prefer to do it in a group setting.

Sooo......tomorrow is another day.  I am committed to making better choices, but hey 2 months since I have had any soda!

Accountability........or not

Sooo....I belong to several FB support groups.  Two of the groups are local and have several people from my surrounding area.  I have put out there that I do better when I have someone holding me accountable (more so than the idea of losing money...I know, smh).  I have responded to a few people who say they want an accountability partner, and when I tell them I am flexible with times (thankfully work for an employer who allows me to flex my schedule when needed.)  I can walk in the morning, for an hour during the day or evenings. Weekdays and weekends.  There always seems to be an excuse.  So, do you really want someone to work out with, or are you using your schedule as an excuse?

Listen, I don't enjoy working out.  I have to force myself to go.  My summer is busy (nature of my job), but I am trying to be intentional with my workouts.  That means, getting my big butt out of my office chair and going to the gym mid morning.  This is not an easy feat for me!  Once my butt hits my chair, I hate leaving the office.  I am meeting up with an old friend tonight, so that means, no morning water class for me....instead, I went on a 3 mile walk with my pup this morning.  A friend asked me to do lunch tomorrow and I said, sure, I will just go to the gym after work instead of my water class.

WLS is a journey to a healthier life.  It is not an easy out, it is not a quick fix, it is simply a tool.  If I don't make the life changes now, and commit to the changes needed now, I will NEVER be successful after the surgery.  I know this about myself.  That is why I am glad there is a waiting period for the surgery.  It gives me time to make adjustments.  I don't want to wake up from surgery and have to give up everything at once.  I know it is going to be difficult for the first 3 months, trying to get used to the new size of my stomach.  If I am not exercising regularly already, it will be even harder for me to do so.

If you could only hear the conversations I have with myself when I am deciding to go to the gym, or not.  I am pretty convincing.  I am my own worst enemy.  I will sabotage myself every chance I get.  This time has to be different, this time WILL be different.

So if you are making excuses to not work our (what ever working out means to you), just stop.  Get out of the house, walk around the block, find a friend to walk with.

Clearly, what I have been doing my entire adult life, has not worked for me.  I need to get out of my own way and seize the life I want....only one person can make it happen!

I am not sure what changed between when I would I would step out of my comfort zone as a young adult and now.  What made me stop and worry about looking silly or goofy?  For those who knew me during my camp days.......I didn't care what I "looked" like.  I tried new things, I wasn't afraid to be silly or uncomfortable.  I WILL get that Gretchen back.

Stay tuned for my next chapter, my next adventure, the improved me, the me who seeks out things that are not in my comfort zone!

Determination......if I can stop playing head games with myself!

Sooo........part of this journey is to remove bad habits and replace them with good ones.  I have always said, my word is all I have in this world!  I do my best to do what I say I will do and honor commitments I make to people. (If you have read Gretchen Rubin's book Better Than Before, you know this makes me an Obliger).

I had told one of the surgeons, that I would be at the support group on Thursday evening.  Right before I left work for the day, I was told something that was a little stressful.  The last thing I wanted to do was go to a meeting to talk about my weight, tools for pre and post surgery, or be supportive of anyone else.  I was down right grumpy!  All I wanted to do, was go home, get into my pjs, pour a glass of wine (or 3) and match a movie, while cuddling with  Maisie Moon.  BUT, I knew the surgeon would be there and I had promised her I would come.  Sooooo........instead of letting my head get the best of me, I walked Maisie, grabbed something quick to eat (but not junk food) and headed to the meeting.  I am really glad I went!  I met some great people, confirmed that the COMP program at GBMC, was the right choice for me and was proud of myself for not giving into the urge to not follow through (celebrating little victories as the come).

On Friday, I had committed to meeting with the aquatics trainer at the gym.  Part 2 of the stress occurred on Friday and again, my head was playing games with me.  I really didn't want to go.  I know part of that was a hesitation because I haven't "worked out" in a very long time.  But I left work, put on my bathing suit and hopped into the pool.  Pam kicked my butt for a full hour.  I knew when I started coming out of the pool, that my legs, sure did get a work out.  It was HARD, but I did it.  Of course, my legs were sore all weekend and now feel better (just in time to get back into the pool).

In the past, I would have talked myself out of going to the meeting and to the pool.  Just another sign, that this is it, for real this time, I am determined to make the changes I need to get healthier curves!  Just a few more months and I will be cutting alcohol and grains from my diet...........

Sooo..........I will continue to use the blog as a way to keep myself accountable.  I will make it stick this time!

I have been wanting a 2nd tattoo for a long time and I think that after I reach my goal weight, I am going to get a phoenix to represent rising from the ashes into a new life!

Not just for jello shots anymore!

So, the research continues......

I stumbled upon a video blog by a woman who is not only hilarious, but filled with ideas and knowledge.  Check her out, her name is Jamie Quickert,  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCacyGDw5TcSvmGwKn5ES8dg.

I have been trying to figure out how to make the journey and choices I make as easy as possible.  Let's face it, my current MO is, if I am hungry and get home late, I make popcorn.  That is just not going to work after surgery!

Jamie shared that she uses the 2 oz "jello shot" containers.  Which is a tip she learned form someone else!  What a great idea!  I can prep on Sunday, and then all week, grab 1-2 containers for lunch and be good to go!  Funny to think that I will only be able to eat 1-2 containers at a time after the surgery (for awhile at least).  Of course, they won't be filled with Jello Shots, but they may be filled with jello! 

I have also purchased toddler utensils.  Hoping this will remind me to take small bites and chew, chew, chew!


I will be attending my first support group meeting on Thursday and looking forward to meeting everyone that is a part of the COMP family (GMBC's Comprehensive Obesity Management Program).  This is the reason I chose this program.  They support you before, during and after the surgery!  The surgeons are really committed to helping their patients succeed.

I am also starting in the pool this week......starting slow with some low impact classes and then hoping to move up to Aqua Spin!