Time to vent........

Okay, I am going to be judgemental for a minute.  Listen, I am a big girl, all 411 lbs of me......when I work out, it isn't pretty.  I hate it, no really, I HATE it.  I don't find anything enjoyable about it.  When my friends are eating pasta, pizza, cookies, cheesecake, do I want to be eating those things?  Of COURSE I DO! Do I wish there was a magic pill to make me healthier, to make the weight melt off?  OF COURSE I DO!

But, unfortunately, I did this to myself and only I can change it.  Trust me I get it, I have been the one making excuses, my back hurts, my dog needs attention, work was horrible today, blah, blah, blah.

I even did it last night......My stomach was bothering me, so I decided not to go to Aqua Boot Camp.  I did however change up my work out plan so I got some cardio in.  I used my stationary table top bike pedals and did 40 mins with my arms (20 mins going in 1 direction and 20 mins in the other direction).  I also took Maisie Moon on a 3 mile walk.  Yep, it was hot, yep we both didn't enjoy it, but we both had water and marched on.

I am working really hard to make sure that when the surgery date arrives, I am ready physically and mentally to make these changes permanent.  The new stomach is only a tool, not a quick fix.  I want people to stop saying the surgery failed them....no it didn't.  You chose to resume old habits or never change them to begin with.  I want people to stop saying, I can't exercise because of this or that.  Okay, if you are not exercising, put down the damn slice of pizza and adjust what you choose to put in your mouth. There is always something you can do to move your body.  (Again, I have been there and made excuses).  The difference is, I never said, I can't lose weight because I can't exercise.  Nope, I wasn't able to be successful in losing weight and keeping it off because I LOVE cheesecake, cheeseburgers, pizza, beer, wine, etc.  I loved those things more than I loved myself.  I loved those things, but didn't bother to exercise in order to allow me to eat those things. 

I woke up this morning and thought, hmmm......how can I justify not going to circuit training tonight.  A woman I met last week, and really like, can't go until the trainer comes back next week so she can sign up.  Okay, Gretchen, you can skip it.  NO I CAN'T.  I may have thrown up last week, I may have hated the stupid machine that killed my triceps and shoulders, and I may have not regained full use of my arms until Saturday, BUT I promised myself this time would be different.  I may throw up again tonight.....so what. I may not be able to lift my arm past a 90 degree angle, so what, that sounds like a good excuse to get a massage.

This time, no more excuses.  There are things in life I want to do and my size is holding me back.  I need to start respecting myself.  God only gave me this one body, it is shameful that I have not taken better care of it.  

If I am going to allow someone to remove 2/3 of my stomach........to make a permanent change to my anatomy, then I need to make the effort to use the tool.  If I can't make changes now, I have no business have the surgery.

End of vent!