Comfort versus Nuture

 Do you know the difference between comforting somone/something and nurturing them?

This is something that I think most of us don't always stop and think about and the result is us being stuck.

We begin to not know the difference, or at least that is true for me.  I have begun to accept comforting words as an acceptable way for someone to reassure me.  Guess what, words are just that, without any action behind them, they don't nurture me in any way.  The words are a bandaide to a larger problem that I allow myself to continue to ignore.

NO more............

Words will no tide me over; actions will be the only way I judge the strength of a relationship.  This includes the crap I do to comfort myself, instead of nuture myself.  Does a brownie, cookie, attention from a man, etc bring me comfort....YEP, just not long term.  I've been working really hard at recognizing which behaviors give me a bump in comfort but causes me to have self doubt afterwards.

I am intuitive and my gut is NEVER wrong.  I have been much more intentional about sitting in silence before I make a decision.  I'm allowing myself to truly listen to my body.  If it gives me pause and makes me uncofortmable, it isn't worth the short lived comfort I would receive.  BUT when I nurture myself, do things that help me grow, provide me emotional stability, I feel fulfilled.  In those moments and behaviors, I feel worthy, I feel authentic.

It is scary when we start to strip away the "ick" and become authentic.  Why is it scary? For me it is because I am becoming more vulnerable.  I'm not hiding behind my weight and co-dependency.  I'm showing people my true self and that is always scary.  What if they don't like me?  But guess what?  I no longer want relationships that are built on false connections.  I no longer want to have friendships that are not authentic.  That isn't fair to me or the other person.  I'm far from truly feeling like I am enough just because I am me, BUT I am working on it.  EVERY single day I work on it.  It's hard work.  But in order to sustain this weight loss and head closer to my goal, it is necessary for me to confront my insecurities.  I need to remind myself that I am perfectly imperfect and that is more than okay!

Looking for ways to nuture yourself?  Check these out......the food options are not options for me because..well obesity and food addiction.  BUT I have recently volunteered with lasagna love and can't wait to provide some home cooked meals for families.  I have currently committed to making 3 meals a month and got my 1st 3 matches just today.

Love and nuture yourself......everyone around you will be better off because of it!

A message to the fixers.......

So........I am a fixer! Always have been, will most likely always be! But, this post showed up on my FB memories (from 2016) just when I needed a reminder that I need to only surround myself with people who recognize, I am there for them, but I need them to be there for me too! Funny how when you are in tune and working on being aligned, you notice patterns. If you know me (like really know me), then you know The Celestine Prophecy is something that resonates with me and is at the center of my core being. James Redfield highlights the power of messages that arrive in groups of 3. I have mentioned, in previous blog posts, that starting in April, I really took a deep dive into depression. I am a pretty darn good swimmer, but boy oh boy was I struggling with even treading water and/or keeping my head above water, even in the shallow end of the "pool". 

Part of my health journey (physical and mental)has been recognizing my part in unbalanced relationships and work towards either finding a balance or being willing and able to walk away from

that will never be balanced. Phew, it is tough to own your crap! In some ways, being a fixer is selfish and egotistical. Who am I to think I can "fix" someone OR better yet, who am I to say they need fixing?????

This article resonnated with me in many ways! 

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/a-message-to-the-fixers/?fbclid=IwAR1FfYLbdpxQqb82W17K2L0tPytlqqgtaBEmIZ-QBQXhuiDIHxRy5TpoyRY

Yesterday was tough for me.  When you realize that the people you have made a priority, the ones you adjust your schedule, make adjustments and drop eveything to be there for them when they ask, are the very same people who just don't respect you enough to reciprocate.  Some of those people are people that you have known for years (a lifetime even) and others are people who have recently entered your world.  I spend a great part of the day crying. That is hard for me.  To let the emotions bubble up and to let my body feel and react in the moment was a triumph for me.  I usually stuff those emotions down (and it used to be with food or attention seeking).  

It is "funny" how when you decide to sit in the discomfort of pain, you can learn so much. I'm so busy always "fixing" others that people don't recognize when I need the shoulder to cry on, the support to keep walking forward or a hand to help me pull my head above water.  I have taught people that I am strong enough to handle their stuff and mine.  That disrespect and taking advantage of me is okay and accepted.  So when I stop that behavior, address it, tell them how I feel, all of a sudden they become defensive.  My feelings become ignored and dismissed.  Changing the dynamic of a relationship isn't easy.  It takes both people being okay with the change.  I am in the stage of recognizing that not everyone is going to be okay with me taking care of myself.

I will have to mourn those relationships.  Acknowledge the good parts, say goodbye to the not so good parts and own my party in the demise of the relationship.  (darn healthy adulting).

My "island" feels bigger now.  The life rafts that were tethered to the water's edge have been releases slowly and some of the island inhabitants have moved on to find a new home.  AND THAT IS OK!  It sucks, it's painful, but necessary to continue becoming a healthier more balanced being.

So please be patient with me as I navigate this new attitude, this new Gretchen.  The one who recognizes and acknowledges her value and demands that those who choose to be part of her life, see those things as well.  

Another day forward to a stronger, healthier me........

It is funny how when you stand up for yourself, call people out for inconsistenicies and disrespect, they become defensive and prove your point for you.  

"I don't unfriend people because they speak their truth."  

"I am okay with you thinking differntly than I do."

"I don't want to talk about that subject." (but yet they continue to post about it all over social media)

I know, in my mind, that we should believe people when they show us the person they are.  When they show us their true colors.  BUT I have a bad habit of holding out hope that there is hope.  I egotistically believe that I can evoke change (this is where me choosing "projects" comes into play, this is the ugly head of co-dependency).  I end up ignoring my inner voice, my intution.  I end up letting people in that should only be surface friends.  I jump instead of crawl into both platonic and romantic relationships. 

 I feel and love so completely that I end up getting hurt in the end.

We want to people to be the version of the person we have created in our thoughts and often fail to recognize the person they are.  I am thankful that I have a core group that is different from me!  People who can teach me and share with me.  I love learning and growing and sometimes, even when someone has the same values as you, they can open your eyes to a new perspective on a subject.  

I also believe that people have to do what is best for themselves, to protect their mental health and that means sometimes they have to walk away.

I had big plans for myself in 2020, but like many others, those plans didnt quit go the way I had imagined.

So.....here it is, 2021 and I'm determined to move forward, make progress and continue to grow.

1) I'm done making things better for everyone else, at my expense. Sometimes you WILL NOT get the happy go lucky Gretchen, you will get the I'm tired of this crap Gretchen. This also means not keeping people on my island that don't support anything on this list.

2) I'm focused on continuing the journey to healthy curves! I refocused on this in May. When I made the decision that I was worth it. I have lost all regain and am at the lowest weight I have been my entire adult life!

3) I'm focused on quality time with friends and family. Even it is has to continue to be virtually, FOR NOW! My relationship with my sister has strengthened over the past 10 months.

4) I'm focused on financial health and NOT using credit cards. This also includes building my wine and nail

5) I'm focused on exploring the skills that the universe gave me and persuing the steps to becomeing a liscensed addiction counselor.

6) I'm focused on doing more of what I love and less of what I feel obligated to do (so please do not be offended if you hear no from me more often, refer to #1).

If you are reading this, please feel free to ask me how I'm doing on these 6 items! We all need accountability!

Picture speaks 1000 words.....

 Sometimes I look in the mirror with disbelief!

Dysmorphia is no joke and really messes with your head.  I logically know my body is smaller.  I fit into spaces differently, I fit into clothes differently and my body moves differently,  BUT the mirror is cruel and plays tricks on your mind.  (Okay, your mind plays tricks on itself)

Today, just for fun, I pulled a size L shirt out of my closet.  I put it on and it fit......I wasn't comfortable in it YET (I prefer clothes that don't show off my lumps and bumps, HUSH, I'm working on it.), but it fit.

This journey is crazy and it is definitely more mental than physical.  I have vowed NOT to compare myself to others, because that is not what this is about.  This journey is about me, about self discovery, perseverance, remembering that I AM ENOUGH!  Some people will stick around for the journey and others won't.  And guess what, that's okay!  I will continue to be thankful to all I have crossed paths with.  I have taken something from the encounter and for that, I will be forever thankful.

Reflections from a year of challenge and growth

Never in my life did I think I would leave to see what 2020 had to offer!  

We should all congratulate ourselves for surviving the past year!  No seriously, stop reading and do that right now!  

The year started with wild fires destroying a large portion of the Australian outback and then move moved on from there.....

We were on the brink of war with Iran, Brexit happened, Harry and Megan renounced the monarchy and moved to the US, a worldwide pandemic, Democratic primary, polarization of races triggered by the death of George Floyd, we binged The Tiger King, Zoom became the way we communicated for work, with family and socially, tik tok became controversial and don't forget the good ole presidential election!

Phew.....

Many parents became teachers, teachers struggled to keep kids engaged while learning to teach remotely, people had to adapt to working from home and many picked up a new hobby and learned to bake bread!  

Like many, I had a few breakdowns, some more intense than others and a few that lasted several weeks.  I contracted COVID-19 (even though I was crazy careful) and was sick for a good 6 weeks.  I have just started to feel more like myself.  My depression was so bad, that I had withdrew from everyone.  I'm thankful for the friends that persisted and reached out to make sure I was okay.  I wasn't AND for the 1st time in my life, I was able to admit I wasn't okay.  That is tough for me.  I hold everything together for everyone else and normally suffer in silence.

Many positive things came out of COVID-19 (for me anyway).

I lost all the regain I have had over the past 2 years, I took control of my health (mental and physical), I moved forward with having a revision from the gastric sleeve to the gastric bypass (which has resulted in 22lbs lost in a month, NO reflux AND I'm sleeping better than I have in 2 years), I purged my 5 closets and 3 dressers (boy is Savers in for a good haul!) and have maintained the organization I implemented.  (That is a huge feat for me because I hate folding and putting laundry away!).

I have learned who are true friends and who are friends that are just around for the good times.  I started a business with a friend and the same business has ended just a few short months after it started.  My wine business suffered, but I was still able to maintain active status ALL but 1 month since March.  My sister and I have grown closer and talk or text almost daily.  But my poor pup has formed separation anxiety.  

I am learning about my co-dependent tendencies and actively working to change those ways.  It isn't always comfortable, but I realize that I will never maintain weight loss until I figure out why I continue to sabotage myself.  Why am I hiding behind the weight?  What am I afraid of?  

I know not everyone will continue on my journey with me, and that is okay.  I am thankful for the role that everyone has played, even if it is just a cameo and not a reoccurring role.  Some will understand that it isn't persona, but that I have to choose me and others will not.  But I am letting go of relationships that are unbalanced.  Relationships where one person is giving more than the other (sometimes that person is me and sometimes I am the person taking more than I am giving).  I am seeking healthy, balanced relationships that are non toxic.

I know this post is a tad all over the place, but so is are my thoughts!  I have lots going on up there and lots to work through.

I hope everyone is able to look back on 2020 and find some value in their experiences and then move into 2021 with an open mind and heart.

Journey part 2

Wow,  I started reading back through my journaling because I had my revision from sleeve to bypass on December 3rd.  That is exactly 4 years and 1 day past my 1st bariatric surgery.

So for those asking, the pic to the left shows the difference.  I currently have the 1st (VSG), I am having a the gastric bypass.  (so my new tummy will be approximately the size of a thumb).

SAY WHAT???  Yep, the size of a thumb.

I'm did the revision because of the horrible acid reflux I was suffering from.  I was hoping medication, exercise, and losing the regain I had would correct the reflux, but alas, it had not.  :-(

Trust me, I had been fighting this revision for 2 years now.  And when Dr. Dovec said Dec. 3rd, I about fell out of my chair (I found out 13 days before the surgery date).  I was not mentally prepared.  I really thought that due to COVID, the procedure wouldn't happen until early 2021.  

The first time around, I was pumped, I felt like it was my choice (yes, I know this is technically my choice, but it is either this or continue vomiting daily).  I feel like COVID added to the stress because my loved ones weren't able to wait in the facility for me to be done, my parents really shouldn't have been travelling and because I had to have a stupid COVID test (again), I had to self quarantine afterwards, so that meant I wasn't able to go to PA for Thanksgiving.  I haven't seen BJ's family since February and that is just not okay!

This is the first year Beej and I didn't get to do our holiday traditions.  No cookie exchange, no visit to Valley View Farms together, no buying a new ornament from a travel destination and no shenanigans!

Well, here I am, 14 days after surgery and I have to say, I am SOOOOOOOO happy I made the decision.  For the 1st time in 2 years, I have NO reflux and I have slept better than I have in the past 2 years.  And the bonus part is, I'm down 14 lbs since surgery.  WHAT????

Drinking is soooooooo much easier with the bypass.  Reaching my liquid goal has been super easy.  The restriction with more solid foods is much more than with the sleeve.  So reaching my protein goal, daily, has been tough.  But I will get there.

This is a crazy journey and it really is like starting over again and learning the new stomach is not so much fun!  

My advice to anyone thinking about bariatric surgery, if you have ANY reflux before surgery, don't go with the sleeve, go with the bypass.  I did not have any reflux before, but about 2 years in, I started with severe reflux that I wasn't able to control with meds.

My other piece of advice is to make sure your emotional/mental health stuff is being worked on.  The best thing I have done is start seeing a therapist at the beginning of the revision process.  It is so important to figure out why you choose food and became obese.

I'm so thankful to Dr. Dovec, Jana Wolf and the entire COMP team!  

Opinion Piece: Social Media

I've been journaling a ton lately and one of the topics that seems to be reoccurring is dissent and debate. 

Then, I'm watching Arrow, on Netflix (yes, I'm late to the party!) And season 5/ episode 13 talks about these very things. The vigilantes are discussing gun control and they all have differing opinions. One person tries to shut down the conversations because it makes her uncomfortable that there won't be a resolution.

It is HEALTHY to discuss politics in a respectful manner. It is healthy to be able to disagree, listen to the other person's standpoint and opinions.

I enjoy having discussions with people who have different views than me. I only shut it down when things turn personal and disrespectful.

I'm increasingly frustrated with people posting on social media and then asking people not to respond. If you don't want to have someone respond to something you post, DON'T post it!!! It is not disrespectful to disagree, it is disrespectful to censor, belittle, and spew hatred. (many of you may unfriend me for this opinion or put distance
between us, that's okay, you do what you need to do to protect your mental health!) But don't be surprised if I say something to you about posting something and then behaving in a manner that is hypocritical.  Don't ask for respect, but then turn around and not show respect.

This is a phenomenon that occurs even more around election time. 

I don't unfriend or block, I choose to continue to ask people why they have that opinion. Educate yourselves and be able to explain your why and be willing to learn.

I am also begging people to STOP hitting the share option until you have done your own research.  Let's try to remember that Facebook is not a news media, it is meant for entertainment and social connection.  When you just hit share because it "sounds" correct, you could be perpetuating a false statement or report.  Unless I can find 3 sources with the same information, I don't share it.  If I am not able to find the source, I ask people if anyone has seen the information.  Educating ourselves is the only way this country is going to heal.  

Here are some articles I have read lately, regarding social media and how it is shaping people's freedom of speech, lack of social skills, creating more anxiety, etc.

https://www.business-humanrights.org/en/latest-news/opinion-how-digital-platforms-including-social-media-are-shaping-freedom-of-expression/

https://thriveglobal.com/stories/how-social-media-affects-our-ability-to-communicate/

https://nationalsocialanxietycenter.com/2016/12/20/the-impact-of-social-media-on-social-anxiety/

https://www.thoughtco.com/how-social-media-has-changed-politics-3367534

New steps to a healthier happier Gretchen.......

I'm working on this. NO really, like working intentionally on changing this behavior. It is hard to reteach people how you want to be treated.........REALLY hard, and uncomfortable.

This is means being willing to allow some people to drift out of my life or better yet, not drift, but disappear quickly. I have always been a people pleaser and clearly that has served me in some capacity. (we don't continue behavior that does not reward us in some way) BUT, if anything positive comes out of COVID-19, it has taught me that many of my relationships are being maintained because I initiate, I coordinate, I make the effort. I am no longer going to chase people.

I get that the pandemic has impacted everyone differently, but when people's reaction to you sharing how deep into your depression you have fallen is to go silent, not make an effort, retreat away, it speaks volumes to you. I talk about people being on my island and that they are fully secured, I will share my shelter and rations with them, but occasionally people end up in life rafts (this is the opportunity for change in our dynamic), but there have been occasions where the rope tethering the lift raft to the island has been severed. That I can no longer support the relationship.

I have to remember that there is a difference between being charitable, having good will and allowing others to stomp on you.  What in my life has taught me that I am not worthy of myself for who I am?  What taught me that just by being me brings value to people's lives and my relationships?  Why do I continue to have to give, give, give until I resent and can no longer maintain that relationship?  How did I learn that I have to fix things, fix people, be the social director, comedian, care giver even if it is at my physical and mental expense?

Was it one event, several events culminating in the unspoken expectation?  Why do I manifest the negativity I am clearly feeling towards myself (subconsciously) into obesity?  Why do I sabotage myself when my weight loss journey has momentum?  Why do I hide behind my weight?  What comfort and security does my weight bring me?  All questions I am sure I know the answers to, but I have yet to allow myself to sit in the pain and recognize what is really happening.  UGH!  Losing weight, exercising, having weight loss surgery, changing my eating habits and mindset around food.....that is the easiest part of this journey! The hard part is acknowledging and figuring out WHY I became obese to begin with.  Yes, some of it is genetics, some of it is medical conditions, BUT a lot of it is because I use food as medicine, but not in a good way.

Some people view seeking counseling as a weakness, NOT me.  It is HARD to ask for help (especially when you are the helper all the time).  I love the charitable and giving side of me.  I love my generous heart.  I love that I am able to forgive and give 2nd chances.  But I have to stop giving 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th chances at my own detriment.  I have to love me, so I can love others more fully.

So I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs....

"Both my parents taught me about goodwill

And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
Till I'd passed and left them alone"

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=j0eyCPOJMfw&list=RDAMVMj0eyCPOJMfw

Fix your mind and the rest will follow

So I apologize now, for those that start to see a new version of me bubbling to the surface.  Change is hard and I may lose some people that were only in this journey with me because I gave and gave and they had to give little back.  NO MORE!  My health (physical and mental) WILL be my priority.  I will challenge those that don't think this is okay or allow for me to do what I need to do for me.  I deserve to treat myself, the way I treat my friends and family.  I deserve unconditional love and support.  I deserve to be lifted up when I need it, without being made to feel guilty for doing with I need to for me.

 

As you all know, I have been on a major weight loss journey since April 2016.  Okay, let's be real, I have forged this path many times before then.

But I have come to realize, that although my toolbox is filled with many of the things I need in order to maintain long timer weight loss, it is missing one major thing.  I have to figure out they the heck I keep sabotaging myself.  I see significant success and then whamo......something creeps up and I slide backwards.  

It isn't because I don't know about macros, the impact of processed sugar and simple carbs.  It isn't because I don't know how to stick to a work out program.  So what the heck is it?

Clearly, I can't figure it out on my own.  And to add to the layers and complexity, as someone with a degree in counseling, I sure as heck know how to intellectualize a situation, which allows me to push those emotions deeper and deeper.

So, I started with the medical weigh loss program and part of that program, they recommend doing counseling.  UGH.......no thanks, RIGHT????

Well, I told that voice to SHUT THE HELL UP!  I want to live a long and healthy life, I have goals that I can't accomplish at my current weight.  So, that means something needs to change.

I know that the food piece will always be a struggle, but I have managed to drop 30 lbs during a pandemic!  Yep, I DID THAT!  I didn't use food or wine as my comfort when I was at my lowest over the past 6 months. I tried to, trust me!  But my inner strength bubbled up and won MOST of those battles.  I would put all kinds of crap into my Instacart order.....then I would walk away from the phone.  The next day, I would look at the total of the order and the stuff I put in the cart and audibly ask myself what the heck I was doing.

So I had my 2nd counseling session this weekend and it was eye opening.  When someone tells you, that you unconsciously are doing (just by watching your facial expressions), it is powerful.  Jamie (my counselor), said "Can I give you some feedback?"  I said absolutely.  She told me that as I was talking, she could see my emotions start to surface and my body react and that she quickly saw me shut that down.  That even in my pain and vulnerability, it seems I am making it okay for those around me and not allowing my body to sit in the pain and then release it.  ***HOLY SHIT***   Talk about light bulb moment.  I could feel that in my body, but never acknowledged it and allowed it.  So she asked me if I would just sit with the pain a moment, if that would be okay.  She asked me to describe what my body was doing, what I was feeling.  It was wild.  It was painful, uncomfortable, exhausting and perspective changing.  She reminded me that my body won't hurt me, but that if I don't start to listen to the cues it is giving me, I am doing more damage than good.  HUH, well, I think my body has yelled at me before and I ignored it.  It then made me stop, literally, and do nothing until it healed.  2 major back surgeries later.  

This type of therapy is called somatic experiencing and it is used to help heal trauma.  

https://traumahealing.org/about-us/

Funny how when you walk the earth trying to be thankful and therefore not recognizing trauma, that it has life long impacts.  It shapes the way you chose to live your life because you are taught nothing different.

Listen, yes the pandemic has sucked for everyone, EVERYONE!  But that doesn't negate my experience or emotions (even though I have allowed others to make me feel like I was whining and being dramatic). I have taught people how to treat me.  This has lead many to manipulate me, take advantage of me and expect that I will always be there, even when I can't be there for myself.

The choice to live my life in that manner has served me in many ways.  I'm the funny one, the social one, the person who binds friend groups together.  I'm the go to employee and friend.  I'm the person who always offers to help and reaches out even when I am drowning.

The pandemic has taught me, that for prolonged periods of depression and stress, I no longer become able to be there for others, in any manner.  I even had those conversations with some over the past 3 months.  Their reaction was telling.  They were not used to that version of Gretchen.  It also allowed some of my friends to see that I needed support in a different manner.

Some stepped up and were able to handle this version of me.  Others, I haven't heard from in 3 months.  

If I say I am not okay, I am drowning.  It is because I have surpassed my breaking point.  It was so bad at one point, that I thought I was going to have to seek inpatient care.  I tried to unplug when I needed it and wasn't allowed to on a few fronts.  I felt like I was under attack with no way out.  Again, I share the blame (oh wait, there I go, taking pressure off others and making excuses).  NOPE, scratch what I was about to say.

So, instead I will say, it is time for Gretchen to put herself first.  And when my cup is full, when I am whole, I can then begin to focus on others.  Thank you to those that loved me through the depression, that recognized that I need a little more checking in on and you were able to do that.  Thank you to those, that I know were struggling as I was, kept me in my thoughts, and reached out when your mental health allowed!  

Week 2 of NewTri and journey to possible revision, Support Group etiquette and general rant.......

Okay, so..........I am starting to understand why so many new people are having questions that I think they should know before surgery.  Many new patients are doing NewTri and not in person classes.

I recognize that I have been through the in person nutrition classes, did a TON of research before my first surgery and had the nutrition knowledge and self awareness as to why my relationship with food was broken.  BUT, NewTri seems way too simplistic and doesn't really address things you can't read in the binder given.  Maybe the future weeks will be more in depth (fingers crossed).  If they aren't, I think we will continue to see a rise in failure rates.

I also think that people continue to view weight loss surgery or medical weight loss programs as a quick fix.  IT IS NOT!  I struggle every single day with every single piece of food or beverage I put in my mouth.  It is about mindset and choices. My mindset is not always right and I definitely don't always make the correct food and beverage choices, but my relationship with food has changed.

Surgery is a tool, not the answer to the emotional wellness side of morbid obesity.  I think this just reinforces my thought that continued counseling should be part of a comprehensive weight loss program.

I'm trying not to be judgey, but I have to admit, today I am!  I belong to a support group for weight loss patients.  I am usually a huge cheerleader and support people when I can.  Let's face it, WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A NATIONAL PANDEMIC!  (in case you didn't know, lol).  I can barely support my own emotions and struggles, never mind someone who I don't know, have never met and have never interacted with.  To get chastised, as a group, in a SUPPORT GROUP setting (on social media), for not reaching out to someone personally or commenting on a FB post they posted is just plain ridiculous!  I said it, go ahead throw darts at me, take me out back and cane me, but I am not sorry I didn't comment.  I AM sorry the person felt alone and needed prayers.  But there are also Facebook algorithms to consider and it was a holiday weekend and many people are limiting FB to avoid the negative political and COVID-19 news.  We need to remember that it isn't everyone's job to make us feel better and that we need to rely on the people in our personal world and not strangers on the Internet.  It goes along with me not telling Facebook land, that I was suspected of having COVID-19.  I didn't need attention, I needed to focus on getting healthy and staying the f*&^ out of the hospital.  I told people in my personal social network, so they could help if needed.

Now many of you may be saying, but Gretchen is putting this crap in a blog.  Well, it is my blog, read it or not.  It is my way of processing.  You get to control whether you click on the link to read it or not!

Here is a little article about protecting your mental health during a pandemic: https://www.jhsph.edu/covid-19/articles/protecting-your-mental-health-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic.html

Marie Kondo is onto something

Happy Friday!

I had been spiraling in my depression and decided in order to pull myself out, I needed to take control of something each day.

My first decision was to start the medical weight loss program, I mentioned in my last blog post.  Then I decided I needed to get my bedroom in order.  LORD do I have a lot of clothes, too many and most are not clothes I would wear or that fit.

Sooo.......I embarked on the Marie Kondo way of purging and organizing.

Here is just a sample of what I have accomplished.  I have 3 closets in my bedroom and have only completed 2 of them.  I have 2 three-drawer dressers and finished all of those.  The 3rd closet is tomorrow!  UGH  wish me luck because it is the worst of them!  Then on Sunday I am planning to tackle my craft closet.  Another nightmare, but I really don't scrapbook anymore, so do I really need to keep all that stuff?

 But I guess my point of this is, that when I got dressed this morning and I opened my drawers, I smiled.  Seems silly right?  But I was able to find the shirt I wanted to wear, the jeans I knew would be most comfy today and the undergarments I wanted, all without messing up the drawers and throwing stuff on the floor!  That is a huge win.  I at first thought, no way in hell I am going to take the time to fold that way each time I do laundry, and then when I opened the drawers today, I thought, yes I am.  so simple and made my morning stress free!

In times of uncertainty, it is important to embrace what you can control.  How are you maintaining control in your world?

Weight loss journey continues

Real talk time................................................

First of all, I refuse to be a statistic and I am not saying weight loss surgery failed me.  I am saying that weight loss surgery helped me reset my metabolism and relationship with food.  I am far from perfect and about a year out from reaching my goal in a healthy manner.  But I WILL reach my goal, even if it takes longer than I hoped.

I saw this quote and it resonated with me:  "Little by little becomes a lot."

When I started my journey in April 2016, I had the right mindset, I was dedicated, started working out (even though I threw up during my first strength class) and really focused on mindful eating and healthy choices 90% of the time.

I decided to revisit my blog and I miss that woman!  Her passion for herself and her journey is inspiring and I'm ready to find her again.

You may be asking, how the hell are you going to do that during a pandemic.  Well, at first I wasn't going to share my new chapter with people, but decided FUCK IT.  I have never hid my weight loss decision and journey, why start now.  That would mean I am ashamed and I'm not.

COMP at GBMC has started a medical weight loss program.  Just like when I started thinking about having the surgery, I decided it can't hurt to listen to the information and then make a decision.  I joined the group zoom and then did a 1:1 with Dr. Dovec.  I decided to give the meds a try to help me get some control.  I have been feeling really out of control with everything, as many of us are right now.  My depression kicked in and I was spiraling.  So I committed to doing this for 3 months.

I allowed many things to be excuses for getting off track.  I ended up having back surgery in October and yes, the pain did prevent me from being able to be active, but that snowballed into not changing my eating habits to match my lack of activity.  Not that I ate horrible most of the time, but I ate more than I should have because of lack of activity.

I have never made excuses for any regain that I have had.  I allowed my old mind set to creep in.  Now that some of the restrictions are lifted, I have been walking more with the pup.  It is slow because I am still recovering from COVID-19, and my lungs are still weak, but any movement is better than no movement.  I can't wait for gyms to re-open because even before surgery, that is how I was really able to increase my metabolism and build muscle.  The muscle mass is crucial to burning fat.

I just signed up for a virtual 10K and I am hoping the Father's Day 5K is still on!

You may be wondering about the meds.  Part of journaling is for me track how the meds are interacting with my body.  I am taking Phentermine.  I'll be on the meds for 3 months.  Starting with a very low dose and only increasing if needed.

Day 1

• I was a little jittery in the morning.
• Definitely had more energy.
• My appetite was suppressed and I didn't feel hunger.
• Only ate 3 meals, no snacks.
• Walked 3 miles with the pup.

Day 2

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• My appetite was suppressed, but felt hunger.
• I had 3 meals and 1 snack.
• Used my portable bike pedals for 15 mins.

Day 3

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• My appetite was suppressed and didn't feel hunger
• I had 3 meals and 1 snack.
• Walked around the property with the pup.
• Participated in the group support meeting

Day 4 (today)

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• So far my appetite is still suppressed.
• I have not done any physical activity yet.

I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor to work through food issues during this next phase of my journey.

I'm done 4 lbs which is great, but the best part is I feel a sense of control and that has definitely helped my mental health.

Oh.......and I am starting NewTri Health (online nutrition program) because it seems I will most likely need a revision from Gastric Sleeve to Gastric Bypass due to severe GERD.  Not what I wanted to have happen, but I want to not feel pain when I eat or drink.

I'm looking forward to seeing where the next 3 months take me.

Guilt and Self Reflection

It has been a long time since I have written.  I find when I do blog, I stay on track because I feel like I'm accountable to anyone who chooses to read and share in my journey.

I flew home from Toronto today and I can tell you that I over indulged in alcohol and food. I did walk a ton, so the scale didn't move, but imagine if I had had just a few less drinks and a few less pretzels.  (But how could I not keep going back to Steam Whistle, Duncan was too darn cute!)

But that isn't want I want to talk about.  So when I weighed over 400lbs, I was always very self conscious and embarrassed to fly.  People our country fat shame often.  I had written about airplane travel a few years back and an article I had seen and how it made me feel.  When I would fly, I would always take a window seat and make myself as scrunched as I could so not to intrude on someone else's space.  BUT if my body spilled over onto the actual sitting area of the person next to me, I would expect to pay for more than one seat because I would be using up more than one seat.  And Southwest, on more than one occasion made me purchase another seat, even though I could show them I fit into my own seat (although very tightly and with a seat belt extender).

Well gone are the days of the need for a seat belt extender and I can put down the tray table without it hitting my bell.  My leg doesn't push against the arms and inadvertently push the arm between the seats up.

Since my 150lb weight loss (lord knows I still have about 100lbs to go), I have NEVER scoffed at the thought of sitting next to a larger person, offered to leave the arm up if they needed the room and tried to remember what it felt like when people stared at me and made me feel like less of a human being because I was large and they cringed at the thought of sitting with me.

Today, on my way back from Toronto, a family of 5 boarded last.  All 5 individuals were large.  No big deal, right?  I had a seat open next to me, so I knew that one family member would be sitting with me.  Again, no big deal.  It is a short 90 min flight. 

I was on the isle, so the young woman needed to get into the window seat.  She got in, sat down and when I attempted to then get into my seat, I was not able to fit because her body was now occupying half of my seat.  I am still morbidly obese, so this big butt girl needs her whole seat.

So here I was, remember how I used to feel when I didn't take up someone's physical seat and wanted to be as sensitive as I could, but at the same time advocating for myself to be able to have a safe flight myself.  It brought me back to an episode of Ruby on TLC when she flew with her nephew and the airline him move because she was occupying too much of his seat and they deemed it unsafe.

I was very uncomfortable, but knew I wasn't going to be able to sit there.  So I went up to the flight attendant and shared with her the situation.  I didn't say it in front of the woman or where other passengers could hear me.  Everyone deserves respect and dignity.  There were 4 seats in Business Class open.  I want to give kudos to the flight attendant on Air Canada because she was discreet and made it seem like I was being given an upgrade without asking for one.

I share this story for a few reasons.  One, it isn't difficult to treat people with respect and allow them dignity in awkward situations. I know that young woman was stressing.  She couldn't fit without the arm going up or without a seat belt extender.  I didn't need to embarrass her in anyway.  Secondly, It is so important for me to remember the feelings I had when I was over 400lbs.  It humbles me and makes me reflect and be even more thankful for the journey I've been on and the ability to have a surgery that has saved and extended my life.  Thirdly, service providers and people working in any hospitality industry need training on how to handle awkward and sensitive situations.  And finally, it is so important that we all recognize our privilege.  Whether we are CIS gendered, white, wealthy, thin, able bodied, etc.  If you don't have to worry about which bathroom to use, being pulled over by a police officer and wondering if you will be profiled because of the pigment of your skin or your accent, if a restaurant will have sitting that will accommodate your body size or if you will be able to enjoy a form of entertainment with friends and family based on if you are able to walk through grass or a rocky area or need any type of assistance due to a physical limitation, then you have an innate privilege that you didn't earn, but was afforded to you based what society deems better than.......If we can all recognize our roles in how we interact with people and the bias we carry with us into every situation, then maybe, just maybe we could begin to look at things through a different lens and our world could be a little more welcoming and friendly towards those that may be different than us.