New steps to a healthier happier Gretchen.......

I'm working on this. NO really, like working intentionally on changing this behavior. It is hard to reteach people how you want to be treated.........REALLY hard, and uncomfortable.

This is means being willing to allow some people to drift out of my life or better yet, not drift, but disappear quickly. I have always been a people pleaser and clearly that has served me in some capacity. (we don't continue behavior that does not reward us in some way) BUT, if anything positive comes out of COVID-19, it has taught me that many of my relationships are being maintained because I initiate, I coordinate, I make the effort. I am no longer going to chase people.

I get that the pandemic has impacted everyone differently, but when people's reaction to you sharing how deep into your depression you have fallen is to go silent, not make an effort, retreat away, it speaks volumes to you. I talk about people being on my island and that they are fully secured, I will share my shelter and rations with them, but occasionally people end up in life rafts (this is the opportunity for change in our dynamic), but there have been occasions where the rope tethering the lift raft to the island has been severed. That I can no longer support the relationship.

I have to remember that there is a difference between being charitable, having good will and allowing others to stomp on you.  What in my life has taught me that I am not worthy of myself for who I am?  What taught me that just by being me brings value to people's lives and my relationships?  Why do I continue to have to give, give, give until I resent and can no longer maintain that relationship?  How did I learn that I have to fix things, fix people, be the social director, comedian, care giver even if it is at my physical and mental expense?

Was it one event, several events culminating in the unspoken expectation?  Why do I manifest the negativity I am clearly feeling towards myself (subconsciously) into obesity?  Why do I sabotage myself when my weight loss journey has momentum?  Why do I hide behind my weight?  What comfort and security does my weight bring me?  All questions I am sure I know the answers to, but I have yet to allow myself to sit in the pain and recognize what is really happening.  UGH!  Losing weight, exercising, having weight loss surgery, changing my eating habits and mindset around food.....that is the easiest part of this journey! The hard part is acknowledging and figuring out WHY I became obese to begin with.  Yes, some of it is genetics, some of it is medical conditions, BUT a lot of it is because I use food as medicine, but not in a good way.

Some people view seeking counseling as a weakness, NOT me.  It is HARD to ask for help (especially when you are the helper all the time).  I love the charitable and giving side of me.  I love my generous heart.  I love that I am able to forgive and give 2nd chances.  But I have to stop giving 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th chances at my own detriment.  I have to love me, so I can love others more fully.

So I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs....

"Both my parents taught me about goodwill

And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
Till I'd passed and left them alone"

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=j0eyCPOJMfw&list=RDAMVMj0eyCPOJMfw