Weight loss journey continues

Real talk time................................................

First of all, I refuse to be a statistic and I am not saying weight loss surgery failed me.  I am saying that weight loss surgery helped me reset my metabolism and relationship with food.  I am far from perfect and about a year out from reaching my goal in a healthy manner.  But I WILL reach my goal, even if it takes longer than I hoped.

I saw this quote and it resonated with me:  "Little by little becomes a lot."

When I started my journey in April 2016, I had the right mindset, I was dedicated, started working out (even though I threw up during my first strength class) and really focused on mindful eating and healthy choices 90% of the time.

I decided to revisit my blog and I miss that woman!  Her passion for herself and her journey is inspiring and I'm ready to find her again.

You may be asking, how the hell are you going to do that during a pandemic.  Well, at first I wasn't going to share my new chapter with people, but decided FUCK IT.  I have never hid my weight loss decision and journey, why start now.  That would mean I am ashamed and I'm not.

COMP at GBMC has started a medical weight loss program.  Just like when I started thinking about having the surgery, I decided it can't hurt to listen to the information and then make a decision.  I joined the group zoom and then did a 1:1 with Dr. Dovec.  I decided to give the meds a try to help me get some control.  I have been feeling really out of control with everything, as many of us are right now.  My depression kicked in and I was spiraling.  So I committed to doing this for 3 months.

I allowed many things to be excuses for getting off track.  I ended up having back surgery in October and yes, the pain did prevent me from being able to be active, but that snowballed into not changing my eating habits to match my lack of activity.  Not that I ate horrible most of the time, but I ate more than I should have because of lack of activity.

I have never made excuses for any regain that I have had.  I allowed my old mind set to creep in.  Now that some of the restrictions are lifted, I have been walking more with the pup.  It is slow because I am still recovering from COVID-19, and my lungs are still weak, but any movement is better than no movement.  I can't wait for gyms to re-open because even before surgery, that is how I was really able to increase my metabolism and build muscle.  The muscle mass is crucial to burning fat.

I just signed up for a virtual 10K and I am hoping the Father's Day 5K is still on!

You may be wondering about the meds.  Part of journaling is for me track how the meds are interacting with my body.  I am taking Phentermine.  I'll be on the meds for 3 months.  Starting with a very low dose and only increasing if needed.

Day 1

• I was a little jittery in the morning.
• Definitely had more energy.
• My appetite was suppressed and I didn't feel hunger.
• Only ate 3 meals, no snacks.
• Walked 3 miles with the pup.

Day 2

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• My appetite was suppressed, but felt hunger.
• I had 3 meals and 1 snack.
• Used my portable bike pedals for 15 mins.

Day 3

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• My appetite was suppressed and didn't feel hunger
• I had 3 meals and 1 snack.
• Walked around the property with the pup.
• Participated in the group support meeting

Day 4 (today)

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• So far my appetite is still suppressed.
• I have not done any physical activity yet.

I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor to work through food issues during this next phase of my journey.

I'm done 4 lbs which is great, but the best part is I feel a sense of control and that has definitely helped my mental health.

Oh.......and I am starting NewTri Health (online nutrition program) because it seems I will most likely need a revision from Gastric Sleeve to Gastric Bypass due to severe GERD.  Not what I wanted to have happen, but I want to not feel pain when I eat or drink.

I'm looking forward to seeing where the next 3 months take me.

NSV Time

So.......the stupid scale is being stubborn, but that's okay.  You know why?  Because I have some pretty cool non scale victories that are happening!  

I've learned that sometimes you need to focus on inches and NSVs and forget about the damn scale!

SOOOOOOO........Here is a small list of the good stuff!

1. On Thursday, I had a pretty shitty day at work, and normally, I would have reached for comfort food.  Some mac and cheese and cheesecake, was what I really wanted.  BUT instead, I went home, talked with my boyfriend and he drove up to comfort me.  Guess what??  Him making the 2 hour drive, holding me, talking through my day and reassuring me was so much better and much more satisfying than cheesecake and mac & cheese.  Who would have thought?  It taught me a valuable lesson about myself AND gave him major boyfriend points.  It's been a long time since I had someone that could help the stress melt away, just by hugging me.
2. I continue to have to adjust my seat in the car AND had to lower my steering wheel this week.  That means my belly is still shrinking. I can even adjust the seat without having to be a contortionist.
3. One of my vendors came into the office yesterday (he hasn't seen me in a few weeks) and commented that I am looking smaller and smaller!
4. I'm fitting into 18/20 clothes and I started at a 30/32.  CRAZY!!!!!!!!
5. I'm able to reach different bits and pieces without having to twist my body or use a mirror to see what I'm doing.
6. I started back at the gym 2 months ago and I have increased my stair walking by 3 landings!

I haven't had my measurements done in a while and really need to see what my inches look like, so I'll be asking a friend to help out!  I can't wait to do my side by side on December 2nd.  (Can you believe it has been almost a year since my surgery?  I can't!)

The boyfriend wants to go skydiving in April (for our 1 year anniversary) and I need to be 250lbs or lighter.  My goal is to be 240lbs. I never thought that goal was even possible....but I'm determined!

I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face........

"I don't think that anything happens by coincidence...No one is here by accident...Everyone who crosses our path has a message for us.  Otherwise they would have taken another path, or left earlier or later.  The fact that these people are here means that they are here for some reason"... 

~James Redfield

So, this isn't directly wls related, but indirectly, some would say, with my life changes, I've allowed myself to be open to a relationship again.

Those of you that have known me for awhile, know that I have a "type" of guy that I normally date.  There have been some deviations from said "type", but not often.  if we are Facebook friends ore IRL (in real life) friends, you have either met or heard about Rob.  The guy who has taken me by surprise.  He is not my typical "type", but that has been the best thing possible for me. Most of you know that I tend to fall fast and hard, and the guy I'm dating doesn't always catch up to where I am emotionally.

Five months ago, Rob and I were in the same online chat group.  The group was for BBWs in Maryland, Virginia and Pennsylvania.  We would casually chat in the group, but nothing clicked for me.  I wasn't drawn to him.  He is reserved, pretty shy and is much more of an observer than a participant.

Four months ago, one of the women in the group, said something about a party we had attended and it caught Rob's attention.  He asked if he could private message me and I said, sure, why not.  After all, the only missed opportunity is the one not taken.  We chatted, he was nice, sweet even.  We started to get to know each other and decided to exchange phone numbers. After the first call, Rob started calling me every morning on his way to work and every evening on his way home.  I found myself anticipating the calls and smiling when I saw his number pop up.  

Up until this point, I was really happy being single.  Loved dating and just enjoying myself.  No expectations, just having fun.

 

So, Rob and I decided we would meet and if we hit it off, we thought, hey we can be friends with benefits.  NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE. Rob lives 2 hours south of here and happens to be significantly younger than me AND we were raised in different religions.  So, for me, this wasn't someone I thought I would have anything more than a sexual friendship with.  Of course, some of you may recall, that is how another relationship I had began.

We set a day to meet, but Rob didn't want to wait.  He asked if he could come up the weekend before, but I had to work.  That didn't deter him.  He came up and hang out with me at my work event.  He even helped the residents plant flowers and he helped clean up after the event.  It was kinda a perfect day.  The game change was that he took sex off the table.  He wanted to see if we had something more, something deeper than just sex.  The following week, I still got my morning and evening calls and we would text throughout the day.  He drove up again that next Friday and we spent the day together.  Talking, laughing, hugging and getting to know each other. I would worry that we wouldn't have anything to talk about, because we talk so often on the phone and via texting.  He calls on his 2 hour drive up and again on his 2 hour drive home.  But we never seem to lack things to discuss.

 

We made the decision to date exclusively, despite the challenge that the distance presents.  Do we see each other as often as we would like?  NOPE, but we work hard at staying connected, meeting weekly for dinner and trying to spend at least 1 weekend a month together.  He challenges me in ways I've never been challenged.  He is very practical and logical and I'm driven by emotion (I know that is a surprise to many of you!)  So, that means, I have to stop and think before I communicate my feelings, so that he is able to hear them in a way that makes sense to him.  He has to be more open to hearing emotion and learning to work through it.  He says, it has helped him improve his relationship with his younger sister.  

I shared with him, that I worry about what the future holds because I will keep losing weight and my goal is to not be considered a BBW any longer.  After all, we met in a BBW chat room.  He is attracted to larger women.  His response is the same every time.  "I want you to be happy, the happier you are, the happier I will be and the happier we can be as a couple." He encourages me to go to the gym, allows me to pick where we eat, so that I have healthy options and genuinely wants me to be happy and healthy.  Such a difference from a few men I dated that ended things when I was honest about my WLS journey.  

So five months later, here we are.  We challenge each other, support each other and love each other.  It isn't easy and I get frustrated with the distance, but we talk through it and come up with strategies.  I'm just trying to enjoy where we are at today, and not worry about tomorrow.   He balances me and helps provide perspective when I'm too emotional to see things differently. He is not perfect and neither am I, but we have committed to navigating this relationship together.  We have committed to creating our own perfect, without the judgement of others.  I tell him all the time, that I was happy being single, until I met him and he made me want a relationship.

Now, how does this relate to WLS?  When you stop hiding behind your weight and start living your life, opportunities present themselves.  BUT, in order to have that happen, you have to figure out, why you became morbidly obese.  What made you eat away your emotions?  What made you stop loving yourself and start killing yourself?  WLS is more than just a physical journey.  Your head WILL play mind games with you.  Lately, when I look in the mirror, I see 419 pound Gretchen and not 294lb Gretchen.  

I guess, the purpose of this blog entry is to say, LIVE YOUR LIFE!  Stop hiding behind the fat and break free.  You don't know what is waiting for  you.  Receiving love starts by loving yourself, FLAWS and all.  A friend of mine says there is perfection within imperfection.