Dear God.......

Okay.....I love God, I pray to him, believe in him and hope that he has a plan for us all as we walk through this life. I am a little upset with him right now.  (Don't worry, I have told him)  My cousin Jenny's husband was diagnosed with ALS last year.  Rob hasn't been in her life long enough, but as soon as he was diagnosed, they made the choice to fight and to live life with each other as best they could.  I am sitting at my desk, crying as I write this.  I am so angry!


Jenny is just 38 years old.  She has seen too much lose in her short life.  She is one of the strongest people I know.  She has been watching Rob slip away from her more and more each day.  They were married last year and you can see their love when they look at each other.  I watched Jenny change through pictures.  When she started seeing Rob, she was glowing.  She found someone who made her feel special, who loved her for who she is and she loved him right back.  Their commitment to one another, through it all  is inspiring.  Rob told Jenny that she could leave him, find someone else who wasn't ill.  Jenny didn't budge, she loved him.  You don't leave the people you love in their time of need.

On Sunday night, Rob stopped breathing and Jenny had to give her husband CPR.  NOT FAIR! Rob was rushed to the hospital and has been in ICU, unresponsive.  She has some very difficult decisions to make.  Just the other night, Rob and Jenny talked about Rob's wishes.  Not an easy conversation for anyone to have.  You have to love someone tremendously to say goodbye when you are not ready.  To say goodbye when time has been stolen from you because of a horrible disease. ALS is cruel and evil.
It breaks my heart that Rob will not be here to see a cure or treatment.  It breaks my heart to know Jenny has to say goodbye to someone else she loves. It breaks my heart to know that people with ALS can't do anything about their body betraying them.  I can't even imagine having my mind and knowing what is happening, but having my body fail. 

I am heartbroken that all I can do is spread the word about this cruel reality.  All I can do is pray that Jenny finds peace as she makes the most difficult decision of her life.  I know my Aunt Emma is going to great him in heaven with open arms.  I know Emma has watched how Rob has loved her daughter.  I am still angry with God.  It isn't fair.

So I ask that you send prayers into the universe so Jenny and Rob find peace through their journey.  I ask that you take the time to tell the people in your life that you love them.  Life is fragile and none of us know how long we will be roaming the earth.  Love does not conquer all, but it sure does help us through the difficult times.

Reality vs Expectations = Disappointment

So have had 24 hours of up and down emotions.  Which landed me in disappointment valley!  I have 2 choices, I can hang out here OR I can focus on the great stuff happening.  I have decided to suck it up and focus on the good.

Let's start with the great news I received last night!  Take a look at my measurements.  I told you, a few posts back, that my numbers we re not pretty....but they are what they are.

Take a look at the total change!  Yep, you are reading that correctly, 8.5 total inches lost since June 29th.  Imagine what I can do if I actually worked out more consistently!  The chest, waist and neck are the numbers that I couldn't believe!  If this isn't motivation, I am not sure what is!

So here I was, on a high from my great night at the gym and so excited about my last nutrition appointment today.......and bam, I ended up in disappointment valley.  Apparently, according the the information COMP has, from my insurance, I still need another NUT appointment.  I was given the green light by NUT today and told I was ready to schedule with the surgeon.  All my testing was done, I lost my 5 lbs, I have added exercise and changed my eating habits......all was good to go!  And then.......I went to the receptionist and she popped my enthusiasm bubble.  Yep, one more NUT appointment and then I can do my final with Dr. Bello.  That means, I won't see him until October, which means, unless he has surgery opens quickly after that, I may not have surgery until November.  BOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have 2 choices, hang out with my disappointment or move forward.  Use this as an opportunity to lose more weight and inches.  I would love to lose another 20 lbs before I have the surgery.  I will continue to reinforce exercise as habit and keep eating the way I am.

I have to keep my eye on the prize......I am kicking myself for not starting this journey earlier.....but I know there are more changes in my future!

So....here I go, looking forward, pushing through and making things happen.

Thanks again for following my journey!  It helps me to know that people are paying attention.  You each provide me with a level of accountability!

Being "real" at the gym

So, I have made it clear that I don't like going to the gym.  One reason I was hesitant to start going was because of the images that you see of people in the gym.  Let's face it, I am a big girl, I wiggle and jiggle. So, when I decided to start on this journey, I decided to start in the pool.  I am comfortable in the pool, confident in the pool, mostly because I have been swimming since before I could walk.

I didn't jump right into some of the more difficult classes, but started with the aqua arthritis classes.  I figured if someone twice my age could do it, so could I. I am hear to tell you......that class was no joke.  I definitely could feel my core working!  When I connected with someone from the GBMC COMP group, and we decided to try Aqua Zumba....I thought I was crazy.  I didn't love the class, it was good cardio, but the instructor was not great.  She never speaks.  Even though I thought I couldn't do it, I did!  During a class, I ended up talking with 2 women who said, I should try aqua boot camp. Boot camp?  Yep, I definitely thought those women were crazy.  But, I committed to going.  I don't love it, but I definitely feel it working and it helps that Mike (the instructor) isn't hard to look at!

Which brings me to the reason for this post.  The boot camp class is being filmed on Tuesday (for the gym's promotional stuff).  Mike has promised he won't make us get out of the pool, I guess because people have body image issues (which I certainly understand).  There are people who are choosing to skip class because of the filming, others who are choosing to wear clothes into the pool for the same reason.  My friend asked if I was wearing clothes....I said absolutely not, just my suit.  First of all, the class is not easy and I sure don't want to be weighed down by wet clothing.  Secondly, it is because gyms usually show "fit" people in their promotional ads and that is why I was so hesitant to join a gym.  At the beginning of my wls journey, I decided to be transparent about everything!  I wanted people to know that big people can get their butts to the gym and get healthy.  I definitely understand that not everyone is as confident as I am, but how are perceptions supposed to change, if we hide?  It is always more comfortable to work out with people more like us.  It is why I chose to do strength training with a trainer who works specifically with bariatric patients. BUT, I want to see more promo ads featuring real people.  Like these:

 I am sure you are aware of the reality shows that are surrounding obese people.  If Whitney and Ruby can get on camera and work out....so can we!  To be honest, I have never watched Whitney's show, but I used to watch Ruby religiously!  It is unfortunate, that these shows are "scripted" to where they are not showing all the ugly truths!  We all slip, we all cheat, we all fall......but that is why it is so important to make sure you have a support system.  Why shouldn't we see the real struggle?

Thank you!

Today, I want to say thank you!  Thank you to my family and friends who love me enough to support me, but call me on my crap!  Thank you to the strangers I meet, and I tell about my journey, and they don't judge.  Thank you to the people in my circuit training class and aqua classes for not judging the big girl in the gym, but encouraging and pushing her to do better.  Thank you to my trainer who challenges me to believe I can do whatever she asks me to do!

It is unfortunate, but some people have already been weeded from my garden of life!  This is the time I get to put myself first and take care of me.  This is my journey and I want as many people, as I can have, on my side, but I won't have them there at my detriment.

Yesterday, the ADMIN, for one of the FB groups I belong to, said she didn't understand how some people would allow their friends and families to choose restaurants that they know bariatric patients can't enjoy.  Another member, said that as adults who chose this path, it is unfair for us to ask others to change their lifestyles.  I didn't get that from what the ADMIN was saying.  She was saying, be your own advocate, stand up for yourself, tell people what you need.

I agree, WLS is my choice, not my friends and family.  But I also know, that because I am picky about who I let in, my friends and family would never want to put me in a situation that made me uncomfortable or didn't allow me to enjoy the company of the people I am with.  Yes, I choose what goes into my mouth, yes I choose to stick to the plan, or not stick to the plan.  BUT, I would hope those that are supportive would have conversations with me, check in, see how I am feeling and ask what i need.  I do the same for each of them.  Of course, if I am invited somewhere, I offer to bring something, that way I know there will be one thing I can eat. 

I had asked the person who made the comment about me being selfish because I want my friends to support me in this journey and not choose fast food restaurants or be sensitive to my triggers, if she would bring an alcoholic friend to a bar and ask them to sit and watch her drink.  Told her, that maybe for her, food wasn't an addiction, but it is for many people who choose WLS.  She still didn't seem to understand my point and said it is about willpower and being an adult.  Yes willpower plays a role, yes taking responsibility for your own actions is important, but why would you put yourself in a position that could risk your "sobriety", especially early in the process.  Why would you choose to keep people in your world that would risk your "sobriety". I don't expect my friends to stop going to food truck gatherings or to wine festivals, I do expect them to respect my choice if I don't go.  I expect them to have an understanding that our friendship may need to shift and change, that the activities we once enjoyed together, may not be what I can do after the surgery.  I expect them to call me on my crap.

So THANK YOU!  Thank you for loving me enough help me get healthy and not allow me to continue killing myself.  Thank you for respecting me and our relationship!  Today, I am especially grateful for each and every one of you!

Myth Busting.....

Okay folks....a pound is a pound regardless of what is being weighed.  So therefore, muscle does not weigh more than fat.  If you are gaining weight, you can't say it is because you are gaining muscle. We have to be honest with ourselves. It is easy to convince yourself that you are gaining because of muscle.

Lot's of people get frustrated because the numbers on the scale don't move, my first response is, have you measured yourself?  I mentioned in an earlier post, that when I was measured at the gym, the first time, it wasn't pretty, but I am really glad I will have those numbers for when I stall on the scale.  Muscle is more dense than fat, so it takes up less space.  You see??  So when you trade the fat for muscle, your body will get smaller.  That is why exercising is so important!

We have been taught, to watch the number on the scale, and yest it is important, and of course my goal is to see that number drop, significantly.  But I also have to remember that sometimes, your body won't drop the weight, it will gain muscle and inches will disappear!  (Which reminds me, I really need to invest in a belt, my pants fell off walking down stairs last night.) I haven't stepped on a scale for 2 weeks, that is a no-no for me, because I want to make sure I am progressing.  I haven't weighed because, to be honest, I have only had 3 BMs in the past 2 weeks, so I know I am holding onto some weight.  (gross, I know!).

I have not been great at getting to the gym, but I am really proud of myself for making good food choices.  Usually this time of year, I am ordering cheese-steaks, mozzarella sticks, pasta, cake, etc.  Now, I made myself hungry, so off to eat a yogurt!
 

Myth Busting.....

Okay folks....a pound is a pound regardless of what is being weighed.  So therefore, muscle does not weigh more than fat.  If you are gaining weight, you can't say it is because you are gaining muscle. We have to be honest with ourselves. It is easy to convince yourself that you are gaining because of muscle.

Lot's of people get frustrated because the numbers on the scale don't move, my first response is, have you measured yourself?  I mentioned in an earlier post, that when I was measured at the gym, the first time, it wasn't pretty, but I am really glad I will have those numbers for when I stall on the scale.  Muscle is more dense than fat, so it takes up less space.  You see??  So when you trade the fat for muscle, your body will get smaller.  That is why exercising is so important!

We have been taught, to watch the number on the scale, and yest it is important, and of course my goal is to see that number drop, significantly.  But I also have to remember that sometimes, your body won't drop the weight, it will gain muscle and inches will disappear!  (Which reminds me, I really need to invest in a belt, my pants fell off walking down stairs last night.) I haven't stepped on a scale for 2 weeks, that is a no-no for me, because I want to make sure I am progressing.  I haven't weighed because, to be honest, I have only had 3 BMs in the past 2 weeks, so I know I am holding onto some weight.  (gross, I know!).

I have not been great at getting to the gym, but I am really proud of myself for making good food choices.  Usually this time of year, I am ordering cheese-steaks, mozzarella sticks, pasta, cake, etc.  Now, I made myself hungry, so off to eat a yogurt!
 

Weigh Not Want Not

Lately, I have been wondering what an estimated amount of weight I will lose just form the surgery.  So I found this tool to illustrate the possible weight loss based on my excess weight and height.

It is crazy to think that in 12-15 months I could lose 160 lbs......I am pretty sure the last time I was under 300lbs was when I was in college.  When I was in Texas (1997 through 2000), I gained 70 lbs and I remember going to the gyn and when they told me my weight (385), I was shocked.  From that point on I didn't step on a scale.  It wasn't until 2011 when I went to a dr. that I realized I was over 400lbs.  My goal weight loss is 242lbs.  UGH, that seems impossible.  So I will focus on goal #1 which is 160 lbs lost.  Still seems like a little out of reach, but I have friends who have lost over 100 lbs at just 6 or 7 months out from surgery.  So, I got this, it is why I decided to have the surgery so I could have another tool to help me along the way.

Me at what I think was my highest weight.

Me at my smallest I remember.  I think I was in the 7th grade.