New steps to a healthier happier Gretchen.......

I'm working on this. NO really, like working intentionally on changing this behavior. It is hard to reteach people how you want to be treated.........REALLY hard, and uncomfortable.

This is means being willing to allow some people to drift out of my life or better yet, not drift, but disappear quickly. I have always been a people pleaser and clearly that has served me in some capacity. (we don't continue behavior that does not reward us in some way) BUT, if anything positive comes out of COVID-19, it has taught me that many of my relationships are being maintained because I initiate, I coordinate, I make the effort. I am no longer going to chase people.

I get that the pandemic has impacted everyone differently, but when people's reaction to you sharing how deep into your depression you have fallen is to go silent, not make an effort, retreat away, it speaks volumes to you. I talk about people being on my island and that they are fully secured, I will share my shelter and rations with them, but occasionally people end up in life rafts (this is the opportunity for change in our dynamic), but there have been occasions where the rope tethering the lift raft to the island has been severed. That I can no longer support the relationship.

I have to remember that there is a difference between being charitable, having good will and allowing others to stomp on you.  What in my life has taught me that I am not worthy of myself for who I am?  What taught me that just by being me brings value to people's lives and my relationships?  Why do I continue to have to give, give, give until I resent and can no longer maintain that relationship?  How did I learn that I have to fix things, fix people, be the social director, comedian, care giver even if it is at my physical and mental expense?

Was it one event, several events culminating in the unspoken expectation?  Why do I manifest the negativity I am clearly feeling towards myself (subconsciously) into obesity?  Why do I sabotage myself when my weight loss journey has momentum?  Why do I hide behind my weight?  What comfort and security does my weight bring me?  All questions I am sure I know the answers to, but I have yet to allow myself to sit in the pain and recognize what is really happening.  UGH!  Losing weight, exercising, having weight loss surgery, changing my eating habits and mindset around food.....that is the easiest part of this journey! The hard part is acknowledging and figuring out WHY I became obese to begin with.  Yes, some of it is genetics, some of it is medical conditions, BUT a lot of it is because I use food as medicine, but not in a good way.

Some people view seeking counseling as a weakness, NOT me.  It is HARD to ask for help (especially when you are the helper all the time).  I love the charitable and giving side of me.  I love my generous heart.  I love that I am able to forgive and give 2nd chances.  But I have to stop giving 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th chances at my own detriment.  I have to love me, so I can love others more fully.

So I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs....

"Both my parents taught me about goodwill

And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
Till I'd passed and left them alone"

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=j0eyCPOJMfw&list=RDAMVMj0eyCPOJMfw

Fix your mind and the rest will follow

So I apologize now, for those that start to see a new version of me bubbling to the surface.  Change is hard and I may lose some people that were only in this journey with me because I gave and gave and they had to give little back.  NO MORE!  My health (physical and mental) WILL be my priority.  I will challenge those that don't think this is okay or allow for me to do what I need to do for me.  I deserve to treat myself, the way I treat my friends and family.  I deserve unconditional love and support.  I deserve to be lifted up when I need it, without being made to feel guilty for doing with I need to for me.

 

As you all know, I have been on a major weight loss journey since April 2016.  Okay, let's be real, I have forged this path many times before then.

But I have come to realize, that although my toolbox is filled with many of the things I need in order to maintain long timer weight loss, it is missing one major thing.  I have to figure out they the heck I keep sabotaging myself.  I see significant success and then whamo......something creeps up and I slide backwards.  

It isn't because I don't know about macros, the impact of processed sugar and simple carbs.  It isn't because I don't know how to stick to a work out program.  So what the heck is it?

Clearly, I can't figure it out on my own.  And to add to the layers and complexity, as someone with a degree in counseling, I sure as heck know how to intellectualize a situation, which allows me to push those emotions deeper and deeper.

So, I started with the medical weigh loss program and part of that program, they recommend doing counseling.  UGH.......no thanks, RIGHT????

Well, I told that voice to SHUT THE HELL UP!  I want to live a long and healthy life, I have goals that I can't accomplish at my current weight.  So, that means something needs to change.

I know that the food piece will always be a struggle, but I have managed to drop 30 lbs during a pandemic!  Yep, I DID THAT!  I didn't use food or wine as my comfort when I was at my lowest over the past 6 months. I tried to, trust me!  But my inner strength bubbled up and won MOST of those battles.  I would put all kinds of crap into my Instacart order.....then I would walk away from the phone.  The next day, I would look at the total of the order and the stuff I put in the cart and audibly ask myself what the heck I was doing.

So I had my 2nd counseling session this weekend and it was eye opening.  When someone tells you, that you unconsciously are doing (just by watching your facial expressions), it is powerful.  Jamie (my counselor), said "Can I give you some feedback?"  I said absolutely.  She told me that as I was talking, she could see my emotions start to surface and my body react and that she quickly saw me shut that down.  That even in my pain and vulnerability, it seems I am making it okay for those around me and not allowing my body to sit in the pain and then release it.  ***HOLY SHIT***   Talk about light bulb moment.  I could feel that in my body, but never acknowledged it and allowed it.  So she asked me if I would just sit with the pain a moment, if that would be okay.  She asked me to describe what my body was doing, what I was feeling.  It was wild.  It was painful, uncomfortable, exhausting and perspective changing.  She reminded me that my body won't hurt me, but that if I don't start to listen to the cues it is giving me, I am doing more damage than good.  HUH, well, I think my body has yelled at me before and I ignored it.  It then made me stop, literally, and do nothing until it healed.  2 major back surgeries later.  

This type of therapy is called somatic experiencing and it is used to help heal trauma.  

https://traumahealing.org/about-us/

Funny how when you walk the earth trying to be thankful and therefore not recognizing trauma, that it has life long impacts.  It shapes the way you chose to live your life because you are taught nothing different.

Listen, yes the pandemic has sucked for everyone, EVERYONE!  But that doesn't negate my experience or emotions (even though I have allowed others to make me feel like I was whining and being dramatic). I have taught people how to treat me.  This has lead many to manipulate me, take advantage of me and expect that I will always be there, even when I can't be there for myself.

The choice to live my life in that manner has served me in many ways.  I'm the funny one, the social one, the person who binds friend groups together.  I'm the go to employee and friend.  I'm the person who always offers to help and reaches out even when I am drowning.

The pandemic has taught me, that for prolonged periods of depression and stress, I no longer become able to be there for others, in any manner.  I even had those conversations with some over the past 3 months.  Their reaction was telling.  They were not used to that version of Gretchen.  It also allowed some of my friends to see that I needed support in a different manner.

Some stepped up and were able to handle this version of me.  Others, I haven't heard from in 3 months.  

If I say I am not okay, I am drowning.  It is because I have surpassed my breaking point.  It was so bad at one point, that I thought I was going to have to seek inpatient care.  I tried to unplug when I needed it and wasn't allowed to on a few fronts.  I felt like I was under attack with no way out.  Again, I share the blame (oh wait, there I go, taking pressure off others and making excuses).  NOPE, scratch what I was about to say.

So, instead I will say, it is time for Gretchen to put herself first.  And when my cup is full, when I am whole, I can then begin to focus on others.  Thank you to those that loved me through the depression, that recognized that I need a little more checking in on and you were able to do that.  Thank you to those, that I know were struggling as I was, kept me in my thoughts, and reached out when your mental health allowed!  

Week 2 of NewTri and journey to possible revision, Support Group etiquette and general rant.......

Okay, so..........I am starting to understand why so many new people are having questions that I think they should know before surgery.  Many new patients are doing NewTri and not in person classes.

I recognize that I have been through the in person nutrition classes, did a TON of research before my first surgery and had the nutrition knowledge and self awareness as to why my relationship with food was broken.  BUT, NewTri seems way too simplistic and doesn't really address things you can't read in the binder given.  Maybe the future weeks will be more in depth (fingers crossed).  If they aren't, I think we will continue to see a rise in failure rates.

I also think that people continue to view weight loss surgery or medical weight loss programs as a quick fix.  IT IS NOT!  I struggle every single day with every single piece of food or beverage I put in my mouth.  It is about mindset and choices. My mindset is not always right and I definitely don't always make the correct food and beverage choices, but my relationship with food has changed.

Surgery is a tool, not the answer to the emotional wellness side of morbid obesity.  I think this just reinforces my thought that continued counseling should be part of a comprehensive weight loss program.

I'm trying not to be judgey, but I have to admit, today I am!  I belong to a support group for weight loss patients.  I am usually a huge cheerleader and support people when I can.  Let's face it, WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A NATIONAL PANDEMIC!  (in case you didn't know, lol).  I can barely support my own emotions and struggles, never mind someone who I don't know, have never met and have never interacted with.  To get chastised, as a group, in a SUPPORT GROUP setting (on social media), for not reaching out to someone personally or commenting on a FB post they posted is just plain ridiculous!  I said it, go ahead throw darts at me, take me out back and cane me, but I am not sorry I didn't comment.  I AM sorry the person felt alone and needed prayers.  But there are also Facebook algorithms to consider and it was a holiday weekend and many people are limiting FB to avoid the negative political and COVID-19 news.  We need to remember that it isn't everyone's job to make us feel better and that we need to rely on the people in our personal world and not strangers on the Internet.  It goes along with me not telling Facebook land, that I was suspected of having COVID-19.  I didn't need attention, I needed to focus on getting healthy and staying the f*&^ out of the hospital.  I told people in my personal social network, so they could help if needed.

Now many of you may be saying, but Gretchen is putting this crap in a blog.  Well, it is my blog, read it or not.  It is my way of processing.  You get to control whether you click on the link to read it or not!

Here is a little article about protecting your mental health during a pandemic: https://www.jhsph.edu/covid-19/articles/protecting-your-mental-health-during-the-coronavirus-pandemic.html

Marie Kondo is onto something

Happy Friday!

I had been spiraling in my depression and decided in order to pull myself out, I needed to take control of something each day.

My first decision was to start the medical weight loss program, I mentioned in my last blog post.  Then I decided I needed to get my bedroom in order.  LORD do I have a lot of clothes, too many and most are not clothes I would wear or that fit.

Sooo.......I embarked on the Marie Kondo way of purging and organizing.

Here is just a sample of what I have accomplished.  I have 3 closets in my bedroom and have only completed 2 of them.  I have 2 three-drawer dressers and finished all of those.  The 3rd closet is tomorrow!  UGH  wish me luck because it is the worst of them!  Then on Sunday I am planning to tackle my craft closet.  Another nightmare, but I really don't scrapbook anymore, so do I really need to keep all that stuff?

 But I guess my point of this is, that when I got dressed this morning and I opened my drawers, I smiled.  Seems silly right?  But I was able to find the shirt I wanted to wear, the jeans I knew would be most comfy today and the undergarments I wanted, all without messing up the drawers and throwing stuff on the floor!  That is a huge win.  I at first thought, no way in hell I am going to take the time to fold that way each time I do laundry, and then when I opened the drawers today, I thought, yes I am.  so simple and made my morning stress free!

In times of uncertainty, it is important to embrace what you can control.  How are you maintaining control in your world?

Weight loss journey continues

Real talk time................................................

First of all, I refuse to be a statistic and I am not saying weight loss surgery failed me.  I am saying that weight loss surgery helped me reset my metabolism and relationship with food.  I am far from perfect and about a year out from reaching my goal in a healthy manner.  But I WILL reach my goal, even if it takes longer than I hoped.

I saw this quote and it resonated with me:  "Little by little becomes a lot."

When I started my journey in April 2016, I had the right mindset, I was dedicated, started working out (even though I threw up during my first strength class) and really focused on mindful eating and healthy choices 90% of the time.

I decided to revisit my blog and I miss that woman!  Her passion for herself and her journey is inspiring and I'm ready to find her again.

You may be asking, how the hell are you going to do that during a pandemic.  Well, at first I wasn't going to share my new chapter with people, but decided FUCK IT.  I have never hid my weight loss decision and journey, why start now.  That would mean I am ashamed and I'm not.

COMP at GBMC has started a medical weight loss program.  Just like when I started thinking about having the surgery, I decided it can't hurt to listen to the information and then make a decision.  I joined the group zoom and then did a 1:1 with Dr. Dovec.  I decided to give the meds a try to help me get some control.  I have been feeling really out of control with everything, as many of us are right now.  My depression kicked in and I was spiraling.  So I committed to doing this for 3 months.

I allowed many things to be excuses for getting off track.  I ended up having back surgery in October and yes, the pain did prevent me from being able to be active, but that snowballed into not changing my eating habits to match my lack of activity.  Not that I ate horrible most of the time, but I ate more than I should have because of lack of activity.

I have never made excuses for any regain that I have had.  I allowed my old mind set to creep in.  Now that some of the restrictions are lifted, I have been walking more with the pup.  It is slow because I am still recovering from COVID-19, and my lungs are still weak, but any movement is better than no movement.  I can't wait for gyms to re-open because even before surgery, that is how I was really able to increase my metabolism and build muscle.  The muscle mass is crucial to burning fat.

I just signed up for a virtual 10K and I am hoping the Father's Day 5K is still on!

You may be wondering about the meds.  Part of journaling is for me track how the meds are interacting with my body.  I am taking Phentermine.  I'll be on the meds for 3 months.  Starting with a very low dose and only increasing if needed.

Day 1

• I was a little jittery in the morning.
• Definitely had more energy.
• My appetite was suppressed and I didn't feel hunger.
• Only ate 3 meals, no snacks.
• Walked 3 miles with the pup.

Day 2

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• My appetite was suppressed, but felt hunger.
• I had 3 meals and 1 snack.
• Used my portable bike pedals for 15 mins.

Day 3

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• My appetite was suppressed and didn't feel hunger
• I had 3 meals and 1 snack.
• Walked around the property with the pup.
• Participated in the group support meeting

Day 4 (today)

• No jitters.
• Lots of energy.
• So far my appetite is still suppressed.
• I have not done any physical activity yet.

I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor to work through food issues during this next phase of my journey.

I'm done 4 lbs which is great, but the best part is I feel a sense of control and that has definitely helped my mental health.

Oh.......and I am starting NewTri Health (online nutrition program) because it seems I will most likely need a revision from Gastric Sleeve to Gastric Bypass due to severe GERD.  Not what I wanted to have happen, but I want to not feel pain when I eat or drink.

I'm looking forward to seeing where the next 3 months take me.

Guilt and Self Reflection

It has been a long time since I have written.  I find when I do blog, I stay on track because I feel like I'm accountable to anyone who chooses to read and share in my journey.

I flew home from Toronto today and I can tell you that I over indulged in alcohol and food. I did walk a ton, so the scale didn't move, but imagine if I had had just a few less drinks and a few less pretzels.  (But how could I not keep going back to Steam Whistle, Duncan was too darn cute!)

But that isn't want I want to talk about.  So when I weighed over 400lbs, I was always very self conscious and embarrassed to fly.  People our country fat shame often.  I had written about airplane travel a few years back and an article I had seen and how it made me feel.  When I would fly, I would always take a window seat and make myself as scrunched as I could so not to intrude on someone else's space.  BUT if my body spilled over onto the actual sitting area of the person next to me, I would expect to pay for more than one seat because I would be using up more than one seat.  And Southwest, on more than one occasion made me purchase another seat, even though I could show them I fit into my own seat (although very tightly and with a seat belt extender).

Well gone are the days of the need for a seat belt extender and I can put down the tray table without it hitting my bell.  My leg doesn't push against the arms and inadvertently push the arm between the seats up.

Since my 150lb weight loss (lord knows I still have about 100lbs to go), I have NEVER scoffed at the thought of sitting next to a larger person, offered to leave the arm up if they needed the room and tried to remember what it felt like when people stared at me and made me feel like less of a human being because I was large and they cringed at the thought of sitting with me.

Today, on my way back from Toronto, a family of 5 boarded last.  All 5 individuals were large.  No big deal, right?  I had a seat open next to me, so I knew that one family member would be sitting with me.  Again, no big deal.  It is a short 90 min flight. 

I was on the isle, so the young woman needed to get into the window seat.  She got in, sat down and when I attempted to then get into my seat, I was not able to fit because her body was now occupying half of my seat.  I am still morbidly obese, so this big butt girl needs her whole seat.

So here I was, remember how I used to feel when I didn't take up someone's physical seat and wanted to be as sensitive as I could, but at the same time advocating for myself to be able to have a safe flight myself.  It brought me back to an episode of Ruby on TLC when she flew with her nephew and the airline him move because she was occupying too much of his seat and they deemed it unsafe.

I was very uncomfortable, but knew I wasn't going to be able to sit there.  So I went up to the flight attendant and shared with her the situation.  I didn't say it in front of the woman or where other passengers could hear me.  Everyone deserves respect and dignity.  There were 4 seats in Business Class open.  I want to give kudos to the flight attendant on Air Canada because she was discreet and made it seem like I was being given an upgrade without asking for one.

I share this story for a few reasons.  One, it isn't difficult to treat people with respect and allow them dignity in awkward situations. I know that young woman was stressing.  She couldn't fit without the arm going up or without a seat belt extender.  I didn't need to embarrass her in anyway.  Secondly, It is so important for me to remember the feelings I had when I was over 400lbs.  It humbles me and makes me reflect and be even more thankful for the journey I've been on and the ability to have a surgery that has saved and extended my life.  Thirdly, service providers and people working in any hospitality industry need training on how to handle awkward and sensitive situations.  And finally, it is so important that we all recognize our privilege.  Whether we are CIS gendered, white, wealthy, thin, able bodied, etc.  If you don't have to worry about which bathroom to use, being pulled over by a police officer and wondering if you will be profiled because of the pigment of your skin or your accent, if a restaurant will have sitting that will accommodate your body size or if you will be able to enjoy a form of entertainment with friends and family based on if you are able to walk through grass or a rocky area or need any type of assistance due to a physical limitation, then you have an innate privilege that you didn't earn, but was afforded to you based what society deems better than.......If we can all recognize our roles in how we interact with people and the bias we carry with us into every situation, then maybe, just maybe we could begin to look at things through a different lens and our world could be a little more welcoming and friendly towards those that may be different than us.

Secrets breed illness.....

So, there it is.  The truth I've been hiding.

Some people will be surprised to read this blog entry.  I'm the type of person who tries to find the silver lining in things, smiles through the pain because I don't want to burden others and just holds everything in until I find that tears are leaking out of my eyes and I just can't figure out why.

I haven't felt like this since my sexual assault in 2001. At that time, I didn't realize I was in a deep depression.  I started calling out of work, self medicating with alcohol and food and shutting out the people who loved me most.  I should know better right?  I have a degree in counseling.  I'm good at counseling, being intuitive and helping others recognize their feelings, the cause and solutions.

Guess what??  It's easier to help others.  It hurts less to help others.  It SUCKS to identify what is causing your own pain and turmoil.  It is painful to face the truth and then figure out how to take steps to change things.

This time of year is always a tad crazy for me and when I'm overtired, my coping skills disappear.  Having the issue with my wisdom teeth hasn't helped because the effects of the pain pills have compounded my emotions.  I continue to put on smiles for people.  I suck it up, pull myself out of bed and go to work.  I try to continue to eat well, if I eat at all, and get my water in.

I just don't feel like it.  I want to stay home, curled up with my pup. 

I'm lucky to have the friends and family I have, but I have hide my depression from them too.

It is exhausting be "happy" for people, for still playing the role they expect you to, when all you want to do is climb under your covers and sleep.

I recognize that some of how I'm feeling is because I haven't been sleeping.  I don't have the ability to cope with everyday stress when I'm exhausted.

I'm a fighter, always have been.  I will pull myself out of this funk.  It may take me some time, but I will do it.  Even though I hate the gym, I do feel better when I am consistent and go.  So I'm going to force myself to go.

I'm writing this get things out in the open, to share that even when you think a friend is all good, sometimes, it is an act.  Especially if someone is a fixer and caregiver like I am.  I would rather not burden someone else with my mood or depression.

I also need to identify some things and make steps to change them, make positive strides so I feel better about what I'm doing and who I'm allowing in my circle.  I need to let those that love me, support me and lift me up.

I got this!