Journal Challenge # 4: Who is your biggest supporter?

By far, my parents are my biggest supporters!  From the moment I chose to have weight loss surgery, my mom's support didn't falter.  My dad was skeptical and asked me tons of questions, but that's what he does!  AND it was a blessing because it meant I needed to have answers and be an expert in the chose I was making.

My parents live in Boston and I'm in Baltimore.  They re-arranged their schedules to make sure they could be here for the surgery.  They always offer to watch my pup and help me take care of her, EVEN though it is an 8 hour drive for them.

They help pay for my gym memberships and for my bday and Christmas (I had surgery 12.2.16), my gifts were all appropriate for my journey.  I got a Ninja, food saver, hand blender, gift cards to buy clothes, etc.  Even this past year, I had a huge box of protein bars and powders under the tree!

When I go home to visit, they make sure the fridge is packed with good choices.  They ask if their food choices will bother me, if they eat in front of me and give me gentle pushes when I need to get my ass to the gym and to start eating healthier!

I'm a lucky lucky girl to have two parents I get to call friends! 

Journal Challenge # 3: What has been the hardest part of the journey?

 

This quote sums up my struggle!  I am the all in or all out type of gal!  When I chose WLS, I jumped in head first and didn't look to make sure there were no rocks or debris in my way.  So.......I've gotten some bumps and bruises along the way.  THAT'S OKAY!  You know why?  It is from our detours, small injuries, and falls that we learn what works and what doesn't.  

I've dieted my entire life.  From going to Weight Watchers with my mom and then getting pizza afterwards, to going to Diet Center and learning tofu wasn't too horrible if you masked it in bran muffins, because it was the bran that was gross to a 14 year old.  To doing the weird Richard Simmons program where you had cards and had to move them from one side of the portfolio wallet to the other. To talking these crazy horse sized pills from a "health" store and then finally trying Nutrisystem.  Guess what?  They all worked, UNTIL I stopped working the program or current fad.

As I've journeyed through adulthood and struggled with my weight, I've learned one important thing.  It is all about mindset.  It is all about two things:  Changing your mindset and finding support.

Change your word, change your mindset!
It's amazing what your brain can do for your motivation.  I'm not on a diet any longer.  I chose a new lifestyle.  I don't say I can't eat something, I say I'm choosing not to eat that.  I can't stand when people ask me if I'm allowed to have something.  I'm not 2, I'm 45.  I can choose to eat and drink whatever I'd like.  The difference is, I know, NOW, how my body reacts when I choose certain foods.  I NOW know that nope, when it comes to bread and dessert, I have NO will power, so I can't have them in my house. I've learned which foods make me feel strong and healthy and which foods make me feel sick and sluggish.  I now listen to my body and the cues it gives me that my tiny tummy is full.

The other lesson I've learned is that it is all about the people you choose to surround yourself with.  I call it the garden of my life, my tribe, my circle.  Whatever you choose to call it, find them!  Find the people who lift you up, who call you out on your bullshit, who aren't afraid to piss you off because they know your goals and want you to be successful.  Weed those out that sabotage you, encourage you to stray from your path, that just don't understand why you are doing what you are doing.

I'm is so blessed to have the people I do in my inner circle!  My friends Tara, Brian and BJ are my rocks.  They show up when I need them, they question me when I say something, but it doesn't seem authentic, they love me unconditionally even when I'm being crazy and unrealistic.  None of them told me I didn't have a neck before I started this journey, but how does one tell their friend, HEY you are killing yourself AND you no longer have a neck.  Maybe it's time to change something.  My boyfriend, who is 6ft and weights 138lbs and eats like crap, supports me and encourages me. He has no idea what it is like to be overweight, he has never struggled with having to choose what you eat carefully.  He let's me choose where we eat, he asks about my gym schedule and offers to pay so that I don't feel stressed over the cost of being healthy and loves me at the size I was when we met, loves me at the size I am now and just wants me to be happy and healthy.  He says the happier I am, the happier he will be and the happier we can be as a couple.  Your tribe can make or break you, so choose wisely.

Journal Challenge # 2: Favorite Childhood Memory.

Most of my favorite childhood memories involve my grandfather.

My grandfather was one of my favorite people. I used to love going to his house and spending time with him.


Food has always been something that is tied to memory for me.  It's how big Italian families show you they love you.  Sometimes just the smell of something overwhelms me with emotion because of the memories.

My grandfather used to have a stash of Brachs candies in his kitchen cabinet.  My Nana would tell us we could only have 1 piece and only if we did whatever it was she asked us to do.  BUT my Grampie, he adored my sister and me, so we usually go way with lots of stuff.  So, when Nana wasn't looking, Grampie would sneak us as much candy as we wanted.  I see those candies in the stores now, as an adult, and I'm overcome with nostalgia. 

He would also take me to outings at Papa Ginos for pizza.  I thought I was so special when he would let me put a coin in the table side juke box and pick a song.  In my childhood mind, that was the best pizza I've ever tasted.  So, on a trip home, a few years before my weight loss surgery, I asked my mom if we could get some Papa Ginos pizza.  I was so darn excited.  BUT, it was the WORST pizza I had ever had.  Lord have my tastes evolved as I gotten older!  Put I can still smell that pizza and see a storefront and get a little weepy.

I didn't have enough time with my grandfather.  And I'm sitting her a little weepy thinking about conversations I wish I could have with him.  When I found a man that I loved unconditionally, I took him to my grandfather's grave and introduced him.  Thank you Adam for not thinking I was a total nut!!!!  And even now, as Rob and I talk about him coming home with me in July, I have asked him if he would go to the cemetery with me because I need my grandfather to "meet" him.  Again, I'm lucky he doesn't think I need to be locked away for asking him to meet my deceased relative!

When I do make it back to Haverhill, I try to visit my grandfather's grave and I always have a little chat with him.  And if I close my eyes and silence my mind, I can smell his cigar and hear his voice.  He was a great man who left us way too soon!

What is your why?

One of my Facebook groups is doing a journal challenge and I'm super excited about it!  If find I hold myself more accountable when I journal and post it for the world to see!

So, what is my why?

There is a world to see out there! And when I went to Ireland in 2015, I realized that at the size I was, my activities were limited and to be honest, I was probably on the path to get bigger, not smaller at that time.

I know I've talked about it before, but the day we climbed to the top of the Blarney Castle, I realized I was killing myself.  Although I enjoyed it, I stressed the entire way up the staircase because my breathing was severely labored and I had no idea how I was going to fit through the tiny hole at the top.  I was then nervous about having to get on the ground and attempt to lean backwards to kiss the darn Blarney Stone.

I did it, but was really stressed about the entire situation so didn't enjoy it the way I wish I had.

So, that's when I decided something needed to change.  I wanted to live longer so that I could see more of this amazing world.

My next big goal is zip lining over the treetops in Costa Rica.

I did a thing......A thing I said I'd never do!

 When I started this journey and the weight started coming off, people kept saying, great you can run 5Ks with me.  My response was always, HELL NO!  I'm not a runner, will never be a runner.  Well,  the other day, it was only drizzling when I went into the store. When I came out, it was pouring.  So, I ran..........

Don't get your hopes up, I'm not going to become a runner.  But it didn't kill me and I wasn't winded after the short dash to the car.  I didn't need a paramedic, my knees held up and when I got to the car, I thought, well shit did I just run from the store to the car?

So, I guess I can do short sprints and MAYBE (again don't get your hopes up), I will incorporate short sprints to my walks with Maisie. 

 What I know is this.  I have struggled the past year and a half.  I allowed situations to cause me to not be the best version of me that I know I can be.  And even though Rob was a huge cheerleader and encouraged me to go to the gym, choose healthy food options, I allowed my work world to be an excuse.  So instead of feeling like a failure at work and using that to motivate me to be successful in other areas, I just gave up (well not completely), but I wasn't focused or dedicated.

I was exhausted mentally, stopped taking my medication, stopped tracking my food intake and took my new tool for granted.

So in life, it isn't how many times we fall, it is how many times we choose to get back up and go.  I've been in a better mindset since the end of January.  I'm not longer using things as an excuse to not be successful.  I'm back to doing small group training (which is where I find I succeed, versus large group classes).  My trainer continues to push me past what I perceive to be my limits.  My friends continue to check in and make sure I'm in a good head space.  I keep reminding myself that my goal is healthy curves and a sustainable lifestyle.  BUT if I want to occasionally eat a delicious empanada, then my butt needs to stay focused and work out 5 days a week and choose something active the other 2 days.  My weekends are pretty packed for the next few months, that must means Monday through Friday, I need to be on point.  I give all of you permission to check in on me, ask me what I did to be active.  Ask if I've been tracking my food.

I have the resources, I just need to utilize them.  I have an amazing health coach, from Canada, that has such an amazing program that I've been following on and off since I decided to do this journey.  She creates food plans and all you have to do is follow them.  She is a WLS patient and has been maintaining for a while now. Check her out: https://www.sleekandsassynutrition.com/home/ and her Facebook page is https://www.facebook.com/groups/SleekandSassyNutrition/. Christina Beckett joined forces with Lindsay Hack to create Sassy Evolution.  It is a company that joins nutrition with exercise.  Lindsay makes it easy, her company Evolve4You (https://www.evolve4you.com/) does online interactive fitness classes.  The barre class kills me!  So there is no excuse to not get your work outs in.

I also work out with Liz Dumont, she works with lots of bariatric patients and is such a great trainer!  Her Facebook page is: https://www.facebook.com/Be-Forever-Fit-1664906150255143/.
I've been working out with Liz since June 2016.  

Dear On-Line Dating Scammer.........

I've been toying around the idea of writing a book about my online dating stories.

There would be chapters like: You're Beautiful My Dear, Now that I'm widowed raising my kids alone, Bridge Building in Africa, I'm a God fearing man, etc.

You just never know who is sitting on the other side of the computer screen. Are they really who they say they are and how do you find out?  It's a real problem, if it wasn't, there wouldn't be an entire show called Catfish and Dr. Phil would have tons of episodes where he hires people to head to Nigeria and other parts of the world to do some investigative journalism.

In a world where we rely on social media, people seem to have less ability to communicate face to face and people are desperate to feel loved and accepted, it only stands to reason, that scammers have it easy.

So you may wonder, how to navigate.  Don't come across as too eager.  Make them work for it. Don't give out so much information about you at first.  Make them send you pictures of things like giving you the peace sign or them holding a newspaper with the date on it for that day. I know upload all pictures into Google images to see if it pops up.  If they are stealing photos, it will most likely be from Facebook or Instagram, you can then contact the person and ask if they have been communicating with you.  If they tell you they are from the US, especially after you have told them your location, then RUN and BLOCK.  This morning, I had a guy say he was from The US Maryland Baltimore.  HUH?? Anytime they address you as dear or pretty, RUN.  If you tell them you like something and they quickly say they like it too and that happens on everything you disclose, RUN.

Check out some of these sites:

https://romancescamsnow.com/scammer-albums-lists/
https://www.stop-scammers.com/
http://www.insiderinternetdating.com/blog/internet-dating-tips/busted-the-worst-online-dating-site-scams/
http://datescammer.blogspot.com/



We all want to be loved and people who are dishonest learn to say the right words.  Don't rush things. Flirt, get to know the person, make sure to meet up quickly, we don't want pen pals, we want a dating partner.

Remember if it sounds too good to be true, then it most likely is.  Respect yourself enough to be cautious and discerning.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be a Dr. Phil episode or a story on Dateline.

Back in the Saddle......After a really weird day!

 

So after allowing myself to make excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't make myself and health a priority, I'm back to loving myself enough!  I started doing semi private training again and it's exactly what I needed!

If I want to live a lifestyle that I'm able to maintain, that means making sure I get my work outs in so that I can occasionally eat my favorites!

Liz rocks!  She knows how to push you out of your comfort zone, but does it with compassion.  She has been helping me change my body for almost 2 years and I'm so glad to have her as part of my journey.  She has become not only my trainer, but I consider her my friend.

Yesterday was a pretty strange day.  I had a weird dating experience.  A friend set me up with her friend and co-worker.  He and I have hit it off, planned our first date and then, out of the blue, she started telling me she had a crush on him.  Okay, a crush, I get it.  This guy is sweet, understanding, caring and is a great friend to her.  A crush is normal when your world is crumbling and someone pays attention to you.  Her marriage is a mess, her husband has lied, incurred debt she didn't know about and things just aren't good.  My heart is breaking for her.  I can't even imagine!  BUT, she is the one who set this guy up with me.  She said she wanted both of us to be happy and thought we would hit it off.  She was right.  He checks ALL the boxes.  Well, in the middle of our conversation, she says "I'm such a terrible friend, I set you up with the guy I'm in LOVE with!"  WHAT??????  Who does that?  So I told Dave he needed to talk with her.  I told him about my conversation with her and I thought they needed to work out some stuff.  So, he did.  Now his head is spinning and I kinda feel like I'm being cat-fished.  Are cameras following me and I don't know it??  So, looks like I'll be moving on from that situation.  Not my circus, not my monkies.  I DON'T NEED DRAMA!

Then Rob and I argued because he doesn't want me to date or have sex with anyone.  I asked why, he said because he doesn't.  I told him I didn't get it.  He says he wants me to be happy, he doesn't seem to want me as his girlfriend or to be in a relationship with me, but yet, doesn't want anyone else to have me.  I called him selfish; he said it isn't black and white, that it isn't as simple as me saying he clearly doesn't want me.  I get that things are gray and that he loves me, but love isn't enough.  My needs aren't being met. I felt like a secret and that he was hiding something, which is why I said it was time for a break. To me it is simple, you love me enough to work out the issues and then ask me to come back or you don't.  But don't be selfish and ask me to sit idly by while you make that happen.

So, after that day, I still dragged my big butt to the gym. And tried a new machine........AND laughed the entire time I used it.  It was said that with all the dating I've done and am doing, that I should be good at the thigh machine.  Yep...how can you not laugh.  So now that machine is called the sex machine.  I felt a little like Susan Sommers with her thigh master!  Thanks for the laugh ladies, I needed it!  This is why I keep coming back.  I don't enjoy the gym.  I don't hate it as much as I used to and my body recovers quicker, but I don't enjoy it.  It's the people, the support and the results.

 

So, if you are struggling, find a group of like minded people, get your butt connected and fight through the walls you set up for yourself. Just do it!