A message to the fixers.......

So........I am a fixer! Always have been, will most likely always be! But, this post showed up on my FB memories (from 2016) just when I needed a reminder that I need to only surround myself with people who recognize, I am there for them, but I need them to be there for me too! Funny how when you are in tune and working on being aligned, you notice patterns. If you know me (like really know me), then you know The Celestine Prophecy is something that resonates with me and is at the center of my core being. James Redfield highlights the power of messages that arrive in groups of 3. I have mentioned, in previous blog posts, that starting in April, I really took a deep dive into depression. I am a pretty darn good swimmer, but boy oh boy was I struggling with even treading water and/or keeping my head above water, even in the shallow end of the "pool". 

Part of my health journey (physical and mental)has been recognizing my part in unbalanced relationships and work towards either finding a balance or being willing and able to walk away from

that will never be balanced. Phew, it is tough to own your crap! In some ways, being a fixer is selfish and egotistical. Who am I to think I can "fix" someone OR better yet, who am I to say they need fixing?????

This article resonnated with me in many ways! 

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/a-message-to-the-fixers/?fbclid=IwAR1FfYLbdpxQqb82W17K2L0tPytlqqgtaBEmIZ-QBQXhuiDIHxRy5TpoyRY

Yesterday was tough for me.  When you realize that the people you have made a priority, the ones you adjust your schedule, make adjustments and drop eveything to be there for them when they ask, are the very same people who just don't respect you enough to reciprocate.  Some of those people are people that you have known for years (a lifetime even) and others are people who have recently entered your world.  I spend a great part of the day crying. That is hard for me.  To let the emotions bubble up and to let my body feel and react in the moment was a triumph for me.  I usually stuff those emotions down (and it used to be with food or attention seeking).  

It is "funny" how when you decide to sit in the discomfort of pain, you can learn so much. I'm so busy always "fixing" others that people don't recognize when I need the shoulder to cry on, the support to keep walking forward or a hand to help me pull my head above water.  I have taught people that I am strong enough to handle their stuff and mine.  That disrespect and taking advantage of me is okay and accepted.  So when I stop that behavior, address it, tell them how I feel, all of a sudden they become defensive.  My feelings become ignored and dismissed.  Changing the dynamic of a relationship isn't easy.  It takes both people being okay with the change.  I am in the stage of recognizing that not everyone is going to be okay with me taking care of myself.

I will have to mourn those relationships.  Acknowledge the good parts, say goodbye to the not so good parts and own my party in the demise of the relationship.  (darn healthy adulting).

My "island" feels bigger now.  The life rafts that were tethered to the water's edge have been releases slowly and some of the island inhabitants have moved on to find a new home.  AND THAT IS OK!  It sucks, it's painful, but necessary to continue becoming a healthier more balanced being.

So please be patient with me as I navigate this new attitude, this new Gretchen.  The one who recognizes and acknowledges her value and demands that those who choose to be part of her life, see those things as well.  

Another day forward to a stronger, healthier me........

It is funny how when you stand up for yourself, call people out for inconsistenicies and disrespect, they become defensive and prove your point for you.  

"I don't unfriend people because they speak their truth."  

"I am okay with you thinking differntly than I do."

"I don't want to talk about that subject." (but yet they continue to post about it all over social media)

I know, in my mind, that we should believe people when they show us the person they are.  When they show us their true colors.  BUT I have a bad habit of holding out hope that there is hope.  I egotistically believe that I can evoke change (this is where me choosing "projects" comes into play, this is the ugly head of co-dependency).  I end up ignoring my inner voice, my intution.  I end up letting people in that should only be surface friends.  I jump instead of crawl into both platonic and romantic relationships. 

 I feel and love so completely that I end up getting hurt in the end.

We want to people to be the version of the person we have created in our thoughts and often fail to recognize the person they are.  I am thankful that I have a core group that is different from me!  People who can teach me and share with me.  I love learning and growing and sometimes, even when someone has the same values as you, they can open your eyes to a new perspective on a subject.  

I also believe that people have to do what is best for themselves, to protect their mental health and that means sometimes they have to walk away.

I had big plans for myself in 2020, but like many others, those plans didnt quit go the way I had imagined.

So.....here it is, 2021 and I'm determined to move forward, make progress and continue to grow.

1) I'm done making things better for everyone else, at my expense. Sometimes you WILL NOT get the happy go lucky Gretchen, you will get the I'm tired of this crap Gretchen. This also means not keeping people on my island that don't support anything on this list.

2) I'm focused on continuing the journey to healthy curves! I refocused on this in May. When I made the decision that I was worth it. I have lost all regain and am at the lowest weight I have been my entire adult life!

3) I'm focused on quality time with friends and family. Even it is has to continue to be virtually, FOR NOW! My relationship with my sister has strengthened over the past 10 months.

4) I'm focused on financial health and NOT using credit cards. This also includes building my wine and nail

5) I'm focused on exploring the skills that the universe gave me and persuing the steps to becomeing a liscensed addiction counselor.

6) I'm focused on doing more of what I love and less of what I feel obligated to do (so please do not be offended if you hear no from me more often, refer to #1).

If you are reading this, please feel free to ask me how I'm doing on these 6 items! We all need accountability!

Picture speaks 1000 words.....

 Sometimes I look in the mirror with disbelief!

Dysmorphia is no joke and really messes with your head.  I logically know my body is smaller.  I fit into spaces differently, I fit into clothes differently and my body moves differently,  BUT the mirror is cruel and plays tricks on your mind.  (Okay, your mind plays tricks on itself)

Today, just for fun, I pulled a size L shirt out of my closet.  I put it on and it fit......I wasn't comfortable in it YET (I prefer clothes that don't show off my lumps and bumps, HUSH, I'm working on it.), but it fit.

This journey is crazy and it is definitely more mental than physical.  I have vowed NOT to compare myself to others, because that is not what this is about.  This journey is about me, about self discovery, perseverance, remembering that I AM ENOUGH!  Some people will stick around for the journey and others won't.  And guess what, that's okay!  I will continue to be thankful to all I have crossed paths with.  I have taken something from the encounter and for that, I will be forever thankful.

Reflections from a year of challenge and growth

Never in my life did I think I would leave to see what 2020 had to offer!  

We should all congratulate ourselves for surviving the past year!  No seriously, stop reading and do that right now!  

The year started with wild fires destroying a large portion of the Australian outback and then move moved on from there.....

We were on the brink of war with Iran, Brexit happened, Harry and Megan renounced the monarchy and moved to the US, a worldwide pandemic, Democratic primary, polarization of races triggered by the death of George Floyd, we binged The Tiger King, Zoom became the way we communicated for work, with family and socially, tik tok became controversial and don't forget the good ole presidential election!

Phew.....

Many parents became teachers, teachers struggled to keep kids engaged while learning to teach remotely, people had to adapt to working from home and many picked up a new hobby and learned to bake bread!  

Like many, I had a few breakdowns, some more intense than others and a few that lasted several weeks.  I contracted COVID-19 (even though I was crazy careful) and was sick for a good 6 weeks.  I have just started to feel more like myself.  My depression was so bad, that I had withdrew from everyone.  I'm thankful for the friends that persisted and reached out to make sure I was okay.  I wasn't AND for the 1st time in my life, I was able to admit I wasn't okay.  That is tough for me.  I hold everything together for everyone else and normally suffer in silence.

Many positive things came out of COVID-19 (for me anyway).

I lost all the regain I have had over the past 2 years, I took control of my health (mental and physical), I moved forward with having a revision from the gastric sleeve to the gastric bypass (which has resulted in 22lbs lost in a month, NO reflux AND I'm sleeping better than I have in 2 years), I purged my 5 closets and 3 dressers (boy is Savers in for a good haul!) and have maintained the organization I implemented.  (That is a huge feat for me because I hate folding and putting laundry away!).

I have learned who are true friends and who are friends that are just around for the good times.  I started a business with a friend and the same business has ended just a few short months after it started.  My wine business suffered, but I was still able to maintain active status ALL but 1 month since March.  My sister and I have grown closer and talk or text almost daily.  But my poor pup has formed separation anxiety.  

I am learning about my co-dependent tendencies and actively working to change those ways.  It isn't always comfortable, but I realize that I will never maintain weight loss until I figure out why I continue to sabotage myself.  Why am I hiding behind the weight?  What am I afraid of?  

I know not everyone will continue on my journey with me, and that is okay.  I am thankful for the role that everyone has played, even if it is just a cameo and not a reoccurring role.  Some will understand that it isn't persona, but that I have to choose me and others will not.  But I am letting go of relationships that are unbalanced.  Relationships where one person is giving more than the other (sometimes that person is me and sometimes I am the person taking more than I am giving).  I am seeking healthy, balanced relationships that are non toxic.

I know this post is a tad all over the place, but so is are my thoughts!  I have lots going on up there and lots to work through.

I hope everyone is able to look back on 2020 and find some value in their experiences and then move into 2021 with an open mind and heart.