I've lost the equivalent of what?

Wow....as of this morning I'm down 106lbs from the start of my journey.  AND, that means I've lost the equivalent of a 2 month old horse.  THAT IS CRAZY!!!

How does one allow themselves to get that heavy?

I met with an old friend last night and shared my most recent comparison photos.  She just looked at me and then said, Oh Gerdy, you must have had lots of self talk going on.  She's right.  I have always been good at faking it until I make it.  Most people would think I was a pretty happy person.  They would be correct, to an extent.  But, if I was being honest, I would have to say, there were nights that I would sit at home and have some self loathing.  Now, if you ask her, she has her thoughts as to why I allowed myself to begin down a self destructive path.  Do I think she is right to an extent, yes, but I refuse to blame someone else for my obesity.  It is because of how I chose to react to situations; how I chose to cope with my feelings (I ate them, and ate them and ate them all the way up to 419lbs).

I look forward to when I can write a post and tell y'all that I have lost the equivalent of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I'll won't be saying "I'll be back."  At that point, I will be close to my goal. 

Are you on a weight loss journey?  Check out this chart to see what your weight loss is equivalent to.

What a difference a year makes!

On March 26, 2016, I entered a conference room at GBMC to listen to an information session about bariatric surgery.  I remember thinking, I will listen, because my doctor asked me to, but there is no way in hell, I'm having weight loss surgery.

Dr. Bello was the surgeon presenting that day and little did I know, I had just met the man who was going to give me my life back.  I signed up for the initial consult, on the spot.  Again, I figured, it can't hurt.  The only thing I will lose is $35 and an hour of my time.

I remember leaving the info session energized, like I was ready to take my life back.  My initial appointment was in April 2016.  I remember thinking, okay Gretchen, just go through the 6 month prep program.  Follow the nutrition guidelines, get your ass in the gym and see what happens.  Even if you decide, at the end of the 6 months, that surgery is not the right option, you will have at least changed your lifestyle for the better.

So, I followed the program, got a gym membership, signed up with a personal trainer on June 29, 2016 and changed my eating habits.  Did I still eat bread and pasta at the beginning....HELL YES, I did!  But I quickly learned that it made me sick when I did.  Because I was eating is sparingly, it didn't agree with me.

Now, 1 year later, I have shed 105lbs, gone forever, never to be found again!  When I look at my before pics, I just can't believe it.  How did I not see how large I had become?  How did I allow myself to be slowly killing myself?  Why the hell didn't I listen to my primary care physician earlier and start the weight loss surgery process sooner. 

Why?  Because I was afraid to find out who was hiding behind all this weight.  I was afraid to figure out why I had eaten my way to 419lbs.  What was I hiding and avoiding.  I kept saying that I wasn't going to change just because I was losing an entire person....but guess what, that was a lie.

I am changing.  All for the best. I have always been pretty confident, but my confidence has increased.  I challenge myself daily to do better than I did the day before.  I'm not hiding behind my fat layers any longer.  I am becoming the person I always knew I could be, just needed the push to get there.

My relationship with food has changed FOREVER!  Now, I just need to stop hating exercise so much.  It is a struggle everyday to remind my fat self, that my body is smaller and healthier.  That I don't need the chips or bread.  That eating spaghetti squash is just as good as eating pasta......okay that last one is a stretch.  I MISS PASTA!

But you know what?  I don't miss soda, I don't miss dessert, I don't miss feeling sluggish and exhausted from walking from my building to my office.  I can take Maisie on longer walks than I have been able to before.  I don't have to worry about a booth versus table at a restaurant.  I don't use bra strap extenders, seat belt extenders or any extender!  I put on a size 20 pair of shorts, from Old Navy and cried. Literally cried because I didn't have to lay on the bed and shimmy into them.  They buttoned, with little effort!  Even when the scale is stuck, I focus on the non-scale victories.

My next scale goal is only 15lbs away!  I will then be under 300lbs for the 1st time in my adult life! Yes, you read that correctly.  People always gasp when I tell them my weight.  They always say, wow, you don't look like you are over 300lbs.  Trust me, I am!  I drank too much beer, ate too much meat on sticks, lots of pizza, tons of fast food, tons of queso flamiado, breakfast burritos galore, cheesecake and oh yeah, flan, lots of flan.  I loved living in TX, but damn 70lbs sure did add up quickly!!

But hey, nobody held me down to force feed me anything.  I did it all by myself.

So, I learn from each struggle and recognize that with each hurdle I clear, I have progressed.  When we know better, we do better.

Nobody defines me, but me

In almost every support group I belong to, people are constantly comparing themselves to how others are doing.  This journey is personal. All of our bodies are different.  The only thing you should worry about is if YOU are doing the best you can possible do!!  Our job is to challenge ourselves to reach, just past the our comfort zones, to try new things, to work hard at getting healthier. We sabotage ourselves when we look at someone and say, "Why am I not as far along as they are?".  All of us put our best foot forward, we don't know what happens in the privacy of people's lives.  We only know what they are sharing on social media. You loved yourself enough to have MAJOR, life altering surgery.  SO, maybe just maybe, we should love ourselves enough to just try and be better than we were yesterday.  To not beat ourselves up because we took a bite of break, or had alcohol, or skipped the gym.  We are HUMAN, we will falter.  It isn't the faltering you should judge, it is how we pull ourselves back up and do better the next time.

I also think we need to stop listening to people when they say, you chose the easy way, I'm doing this on my own.  Guess what??  I still have to make the right choices.  I still need to force my ass to get into the car and drive to the gym.  I still need to force myself to say no to bread and cookies.  I still need to force myself to read ingredients, measure my food, focus on water and protein and do all of that with a smile on my face.  This journey is HARD and time consuming.  I feel like all I do is eat, drink, take vitamins, work out, repeat.  When I am not doing one of those, I am planning my meals for the week, planning my work out routine, buying vitamins and other tools to help me be successful.

I will not allow anyone to define me.  I define me, my hard work defines me, my word defines me!  My journey is mine alone, nobody can truly understand what I struggle with daily, what crazy thoughts I have, the self doubt and self judgement I have when I don't meet a goal I set or get complacent and not as strict with my work outs and eating habits.

I am working very hard and it isn't easy.......but everyday, I am thankful for the tool I have been given.  Everyday, I am thankful, I was brave enough to let a surgeon cut into my body and remove 2/3 of my stomach.  Everyday, I am thankful for the people who may not understand my choices, but love me enough to support me, while challenging me at the same time. 

Challenge, Sacrfice, Rewards

Yesterday was the official start of Lent.  For those of you who don't know what Lent is:

Lent is the period of 40 days which comes before Easter in the Christian calendar. Beginning on Ash Wednesday, Lent is a season of reflection and preparation before the celebrations of Easter. By observing the 40 days of Lent, Christians replicate Jesus Christ's sacrifice and withdrawal into the desert for 40 days.

I don't go to church regularly, I should probably change that, but I do still try to live my life by the religious principles I was raised with.  So I always observe Lent.  Some years, I give something up and other years, I add something positive.

This year, I am doing a bit of a combo.  Because I am committed to a healthier lifestyle, I wanted to chose things that were beneficial to my goals, but also a sacrifice.  I have already sacrificed so many things for this journey (BREAD, pasta, rice, alcohol, my ability to eat more than 3 bites, and so much more). But...

So it is worth it!

I decided to give up my daily Dunkin Donuts iced coffee. CRAZY right?  This is always a difficult thing for me to do, but hey that is what sacrifice is all about. I have also committed to doing Yoga once a week in the month of March.....yep, not sure how I allowed, two of my friends, to convince me this was a good idea, but I did.  

I also committed to doing a March challenge, so I combined my Lent sacrifices with the March challenge choices.  Having the support of a group of people helps to keep me accountable.  The struggle to not get Dunkin is real!!!!  It is a comfort thing for me.  It is the one guilty pleasure I have held onto through my WLS journey.  

 

So I am committing to working out 5 days a week and doing something physical, intentionally, the other 2 days.  So, my schedule will be as follows (now, there may be special circumstances, where I don't make the class I am noting, but I will replace it with something else for the say.)

My schedule will be something like this:

Monday, Wednesday: Strength Training

Tuesday: Yoga

Thursday: Aqua Bootcamp

Friday: Physical activity 
Saturday: Aqua Bootcamp
Sunday: Physical activity 

Life changes are not easy......

But on a happier note, I have lost another 3 inches since 2.11.17.  1 inch in my waist, 1 inch in my stomach and 1 inch in my hips!

So, here is to new habits and a healthier life!!!