Secrets breed illness.....

So, there it is.  The truth I've been hiding.

Some people will be surprised to read this blog entry.  I'm the type of person who tries to find the silver lining in things, smiles through the pain because I don't want to burden others and just holds everything in until I find that tears are leaking out of my eyes and I just can't figure out why.

I haven't felt like this since my sexual assault in 2001. At that time, I didn't realize I was in a deep depression.  I started calling out of work, self medicating with alcohol and food and shutting out the people who loved me most.  I should know better right?  I have a degree in counseling.  I'm good at counseling, being intuitive and helping others recognize their feelings, the cause and solutions.

Guess what??  It's easier to help others.  It hurts less to help others.  It SUCKS to identify what is causing your own pain and turmoil.  It is painful to face the truth and then figure out how to take steps to change things.

This time of year is always a tad crazy for me and when I'm overtired, my coping skills disappear.  Having the issue with my wisdom teeth hasn't helped because the effects of the pain pills have compounded my emotions.  I continue to put on smiles for people.  I suck it up, pull myself out of bed and go to work.  I try to continue to eat well, if I eat at all, and get my water in.

I just don't feel like it.  I want to stay home, curled up with my pup. 

I'm lucky to have the friends and family I have, but I have hide my depression from them too.

It is exhausting be "happy" for people, for still playing the role they expect you to, when all you want to do is climb under your covers and sleep.

I recognize that some of how I'm feeling is because I haven't been sleeping.  I don't have the ability to cope with everyday stress when I'm exhausted.

I'm a fighter, always have been.  I will pull myself out of this funk.  It may take me some time, but I will do it.  Even though I hate the gym, I do feel better when I am consistent and go.  So I'm going to force myself to go.

I'm writing this get things out in the open, to share that even when you think a friend is all good, sometimes, it is an act.  Especially if someone is a fixer and caregiver like I am.  I would rather not burden someone else with my mood or depression.

I also need to identify some things and make steps to change them, make positive strides so I feel better about what I'm doing and who I'm allowing in my circle.  I need to let those that love me, support me and lift me up.

I got this!

By the Numbers.....It's been awhile and I'm not thrilled, but progress is progress

 

Sometimes you just need a wake up call or an affirmation that you know something needs to change.  I'm not anywhere near where I wanted to be at 18 months out from surgery, BUT progress is progress.

I started back at the gym in March, but have not been consistent.  I have also allowed some bad food habits to creep back in.  Starch has found it's way back and it isn't pretty.  It makes me feel GROSS and stales my weight loss. I had my measurements done last night, in hopes that it would spark a renewed dedication to getting healthy.

I'm down 2 more inches since March, BUT that just isn't good enough.  I can do better.  No, I WILL do better! I'm definitely not beating myself up, I'm proud of how far I have come on this journey, BUT want to get so much farther.

Liz, divert your eyes for this next sentence.  I no longer HATE the gym, don't get me wrong, I don't have it, but it is much more tolerable.  I feel myself getting stronger after each training session.  I'm able to move my body more easily, I can walk longer distances and I just feel better.  My rings fit better, my bracelets are looser and my clothes fit differently.  

So I'm recommitting again! Each day I will do something positive towards my journey until I get back to everything being habit and not a struggle. Today, I'm walking 5 buildings at work and that is 31 flights of stairs! 

Tomorrow I will be headed back to the gym.

Journal Challenge # 4: Who is your biggest supporter?

By far, my parents are my biggest supporters!  From the moment I chose to have weight loss surgery, my mom's support didn't falter.  My dad was skeptical and asked me tons of questions, but that's what he does!  AND it was a blessing because it meant I needed to have answers and be an expert in the chose I was making.

My parents live in Boston and I'm in Baltimore.  They re-arranged their schedules to make sure they could be here for the surgery.  They always offer to watch my pup and help me take care of her, EVEN though it is an 8 hour drive for them.

They help pay for my gym memberships and for my bday and Christmas (I had surgery 12.2.16), my gifts were all appropriate for my journey.  I got a Ninja, food saver, hand blender, gift cards to buy clothes, etc.  Even this past year, I had a huge box of protein bars and powders under the tree!

When I go home to visit, they make sure the fridge is packed with good choices.  They ask if their food choices will bother me, if they eat in front of me and give me gentle pushes when I need to get my ass to the gym and to start eating healthier!

I'm a lucky lucky girl to have two parents I get to call friends! 

Journal Challenge # 3: What has been the hardest part of the journey?

 

This quote sums up my struggle!  I am the all in or all out type of gal!  When I chose WLS, I jumped in head first and didn't look to make sure there were no rocks or debris in my way.  So.......I've gotten some bumps and bruises along the way.  THAT'S OKAY!  You know why?  It is from our detours, small injuries, and falls that we learn what works and what doesn't.  

I've dieted my entire life.  From going to Weight Watchers with my mom and then getting pizza afterwards, to going to Diet Center and learning tofu wasn't too horrible if you masked it in bran muffins, because it was the bran that was gross to a 14 year old.  To doing the weird Richard Simmons program where you had cards and had to move them from one side of the portfolio wallet to the other. To talking these crazy horse sized pills from a "health" store and then finally trying Nutrisystem.  Guess what?  They all worked, UNTIL I stopped working the program or current fad.

As I've journeyed through adulthood and struggled with my weight, I've learned one important thing.  It is all about mindset.  It is all about two things:  Changing your mindset and finding support.

Change your word, change your mindset!
It's amazing what your brain can do for your motivation.  I'm not on a diet any longer.  I chose a new lifestyle.  I don't say I can't eat something, I say I'm choosing not to eat that.  I can't stand when people ask me if I'm allowed to have something.  I'm not 2, I'm 45.  I can choose to eat and drink whatever I'd like.  The difference is, I know, NOW, how my body reacts when I choose certain foods.  I NOW know that nope, when it comes to bread and dessert, I have NO will power, so I can't have them in my house. I've learned which foods make me feel strong and healthy and which foods make me feel sick and sluggish.  I now listen to my body and the cues it gives me that my tiny tummy is full.

The other lesson I've learned is that it is all about the people you choose to surround yourself with.  I call it the garden of my life, my tribe, my circle.  Whatever you choose to call it, find them!  Find the people who lift you up, who call you out on your bullshit, who aren't afraid to piss you off because they know your goals and want you to be successful.  Weed those out that sabotage you, encourage you to stray from your path, that just don't understand why you are doing what you are doing.

I'm is so blessed to have the people I do in my inner circle!  My friends Tara, Brian and BJ are my rocks.  They show up when I need them, they question me when I say something, but it doesn't seem authentic, they love me unconditionally even when I'm being crazy and unrealistic.  None of them told me I didn't have a neck before I started this journey, but how does one tell their friend, HEY you are killing yourself AND you no longer have a neck.  Maybe it's time to change something.  My boyfriend, who is 6ft and weights 138lbs and eats like crap, supports me and encourages me. He has no idea what it is like to be overweight, he has never struggled with having to choose what you eat carefully.  He let's me choose where we eat, he asks about my gym schedule and offers to pay so that I don't feel stressed over the cost of being healthy and loves me at the size I was when we met, loves me at the size I am now and just wants me to be happy and healthy.  He says the happier I am, the happier he will be and the happier we can be as a couple.  Your tribe can make or break you, so choose wisely.