Boundary Dance

I suck at making and keeping boundaries.  Especially when my heart is so attached! But what I've learned over the past 15 months, is that I deserve to ask for and receive what I want and need.  If you can't meet those needs, THAT'S OKAY, BUT know that I then have the right to choose if I stay or go.

 

I'm a fixer; a counselor by nature. And when I love, I love 110%, I'm all in.  But in the past, I was never all out when it was time to move on.  I tried to maintain the friendship portion of a romantic relationship and tried to stay acquaintances with platonic relationships that should just end.  

 

Not this time, I need to do what's best for me. It hurts too much to be friends with Rob.  And that SUCKS, because he is my best friend.  He is the one I want to share everything with.  He says, that he feels the same, but how is that possible when you won't share your family and friends.  If I was your best friend, if you wanted this relationship, it wouldn't be a question.  You would be including me.  

It's been a week since the decision was made for us to not be together.  We agreed, we were open to it being just a break so he could really work on some things. That means, no daily calls, that means no checking in, that means not knowing what's happening in each other's worlds.  Here's the problem.  We haven't had the boundary talk.  We have only danced around the subject.  I get it, neither of us want to walk away, but I NEED to.  Not because I don't love him, not because I think he doesn't love me, but because it hurts.  I just hurts to maintain the friendship piece.  That was not something I could verbalize to someone 13 years ago, but I am a different person now.  I love myself more and I deserve someone who wants everyone to know I'm theirs.

Am I still open to revisiting the relationship in the future?  ABSOLUTELY!  It's what I want, BUT in order for that to happen, he has to meet 3 criteria.  He knows what they are and says that he is working towards that, but he has to do the work.  He has to want us enough to make the changes.  And again, it will suck and hurt if he doesn't, but it isn't my job to fix him.  It isn't my job to reassure him. It isn't my job to bend and bend and bend until the relationship looks like he needs it to.

I don't want a life without him in it, but we don't always get what we want.  We sometimes get what we need.  That is the harsh reality of adulting.

He was supposed to be my end game.  He drove the bus in the relationship.  He brought up marriage and family.  I wasn't supposed to fall in love with him, but I did.  And for those of you that know me, this one hurts more than when I had to let go of a relationship that helped shape me to who I am.  A relationship that helped me get through some tough times when I lived in San Francisco.  This one stings like I didn't realize it could.  But the pain lets me know, it was real.  The pain lets me know that I fought until I just couldn't fight anymore.

I told Rob that I want him to miss me enough to work on getting me back. But until then, I have to live my life and protect my heart.  So, moving forward.  Guess you can look forward to funny online dating posts again!