I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face........

"I don't think that anything happens by coincidence...No one is here by accident...Everyone who crosses our path has a message for us.  Otherwise they would have taken another path, or left earlier or later.  The fact that these people are here means that they are here for some reason"... 

~James Redfield

So, this isn't directly wls related, but indirectly, some would say, with my life changes, I've allowed myself to be open to a relationship again.

Those of you that have known me for awhile, know that I have a "type" of guy that I normally date.  There have been some deviations from said "type", but not often.  if we are Facebook friends ore IRL (in real life) friends, you have either met or heard about Rob.  The guy who has taken me by surprise.  He is not my typical "type", but that has been the best thing possible for me. Most of you know that I tend to fall fast and hard, and the guy I'm dating doesn't always catch up to where I am emotionally.

Five months ago, Rob and I were in the same online chat group.  The group was for BBWs in Maryland, Virginia and Pennsylvania.  We would casually chat in the group, but nothing clicked for me.  I wasn't drawn to him.  He is reserved, pretty shy and is much more of an observer than a participant.

Four months ago, one of the women in the group, said something about a party we had attended and it caught Rob's attention.  He asked if he could private message me and I said, sure, why not.  After all, the only missed opportunity is the one not taken.  We chatted, he was nice, sweet even.  We started to get to know each other and decided to exchange phone numbers. After the first call, Rob started calling me every morning on his way to work and every evening on his way home.  I found myself anticipating the calls and smiling when I saw his number pop up.  

Up until this point, I was really happy being single.  Loved dating and just enjoying myself.  No expectations, just having fun.

 

So, Rob and I decided we would meet and if we hit it off, we thought, hey we can be friends with benefits.  NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE. Rob lives 2 hours south of here and happens to be significantly younger than me AND we were raised in different religions.  So, for me, this wasn't someone I thought I would have anything more than a sexual friendship with.  Of course, some of you may recall, that is how another relationship I had began.

We set a day to meet, but Rob didn't want to wait.  He asked if he could come up the weekend before, but I had to work.  That didn't deter him.  He came up and hang out with me at my work event.  He even helped the residents plant flowers and he helped clean up after the event.  It was kinda a perfect day.  The game change was that he took sex off the table.  He wanted to see if we had something more, something deeper than just sex.  The following week, I still got my morning and evening calls and we would text throughout the day.  He drove up again that next Friday and we spent the day together.  Talking, laughing, hugging and getting to know each other. I would worry that we wouldn't have anything to talk about, because we talk so often on the phone and via texting.  He calls on his 2 hour drive up and again on his 2 hour drive home.  But we never seem to lack things to discuss.

 

We made the decision to date exclusively, despite the challenge that the distance presents.  Do we see each other as often as we would like?  NOPE, but we work hard at staying connected, meeting weekly for dinner and trying to spend at least 1 weekend a month together.  He challenges me in ways I've never been challenged.  He is very practical and logical and I'm driven by emotion (I know that is a surprise to many of you!)  So, that means, I have to stop and think before I communicate my feelings, so that he is able to hear them in a way that makes sense to him.  He has to be more open to hearing emotion and learning to work through it.  He says, it has helped him improve his relationship with his younger sister.  

I shared with him, that I worry about what the future holds because I will keep losing weight and my goal is to not be considered a BBW any longer.  After all, we met in a BBW chat room.  He is attracted to larger women.  His response is the same every time.  "I want you to be happy, the happier you are, the happier I will be and the happier we can be as a couple." He encourages me to go to the gym, allows me to pick where we eat, so that I have healthy options and genuinely wants me to be happy and healthy.  Such a difference from a few men I dated that ended things when I was honest about my WLS journey.  

So five months later, here we are.  We challenge each other, support each other and love each other.  It isn't easy and I get frustrated with the distance, but we talk through it and come up with strategies.  I'm just trying to enjoy where we are at today, and not worry about tomorrow.   He balances me and helps provide perspective when I'm too emotional to see things differently. He is not perfect and neither am I, but we have committed to navigating this relationship together.  We have committed to creating our own perfect, without the judgement of others.  I tell him all the time, that I was happy being single, until I met him and he made me want a relationship.

Now, how does this relate to WLS?  When you stop hiding behind your weight and start living your life, opportunities present themselves.  BUT, in order to have that happen, you have to figure out, why you became morbidly obese.  What made you eat away your emotions?  What made you stop loving yourself and start killing yourself?  WLS is more than just a physical journey.  Your head WILL play mind games with you.  Lately, when I look in the mirror, I see 419 pound Gretchen and not 294lb Gretchen.  

I guess, the purpose of this blog entry is to say, LIVE YOUR LIFE!  Stop hiding behind the fat and break free.  You don't know what is waiting for  you.  Receiving love starts by loving yourself, FLAWS and all.  A friend of mine says there is perfection within imperfection.

 

Everything has a season, even relationships.

I like to think I'm a pretty amazing friend.  Am I perfect?  Absolutely not.  I'm loyal, supportive, challenging, fun and accepting.  But when I'm hurt by someone, it's really hard for me to move past it.  I always forgive, but it's difficult for me trust them again and open myself up again.

Recently, I experience something I hadn't experienced since middle school.  I was with group of girlfriends and had two people texting about me, while sitting next to me.  I knew my friendship with one of the woman was strained, but NEVER did I imagine I would be so disrespected when I invited them to spend time with my circle of friends. The rift began because I texted my friend about my frustration with something that was going on my bday weekend.  Was I being dramatic?  YES  Was I being unreasonable at the moment?  YES  Did I recognize those two things within a few hours?  YES  But friends should be supportive and let you vent, then give you feedback.

I have forgiven and moved on, one of the relationships has survived and the other, well, everything has a season.  Women need to support each other and not tear each other apartment.  Jealousy creates competition and that is toxic in friendships.  Why can't we celebrate other's successes?  I didn't like who I was becoming with one of those friends.  I feed into the negativity and the mean girl attitude.  That is just not who I am.  I tried to salvage things, but the texting incident really did draw a line in the sand for me.

Take a listen to one of my favorite songs!  It sort of says it all.

The situation reminded me of why I am so careful about who I share my family with and who I let into my circle.  I have worked really hard to become the person I am.  When your boyfriend and other friends are telling you that your mood and demeanor is being affected by people in your world, in a negative way, it is time to re-evaluate.

Which brings me to how lucky I truly am!  I have a group of people that I met in my surgery group, that are AMAZING.  I haven't met some of them (in person), but we still support one another through this journey.  We are honest with each other, but understand the journey better than nobody else.  It's hard, no really, it is HARD!  I have a tool, but like any tool, if you let it get rusty and don't take care of it properly, it will be destroyed and unusable. I love these people.  We trade clothing, work out together, do social outings and become invested in each other's lives.  It is what makes COMP the best program around for weight loss surgery. 

I'm also really lucky to have a core group of friends that get it.  They support me, but don't judge or mother me when it comes to my food choices.  They encourage me to work out. They encourage me to be my true self and to reach for my dreams and set goals.

Then I have this great guy that entered my world 4 months ago.  He likes larger women, but he wants me to be happy so supports me getting healthier.  He encourages me to go to the gym and helps me to stay on track food wise.  

Hold onto the relationships that help you grow, that challenge you to be better than you were yesterday.  You never know how long someone will be in your life.  Figure out the reason they have entered your world and learn from it, embrace it and let it go when it's time.  Endings are hard, no matter the nature of the relationship, but sometimes ending a relationship is the only way to survive it.