New steps to a healthier happier Gretchen.......

I'm working on this. NO really, like working intentionally on changing this behavior. It is hard to reteach people how you want to be treated.........REALLY hard, and uncomfortable.

This is means being willing to allow some people to drift out of my life or better yet, not drift, but disappear quickly. I have always been a people pleaser and clearly that has served me in some capacity. (we don't continue behavior that does not reward us in some way) BUT, if anything positive comes out of COVID-19, it has taught me that many of my relationships are being maintained because I initiate, I coordinate, I make the effort. I am no longer going to chase people.

I get that the pandemic has impacted everyone differently, but when people's reaction to you sharing how deep into your depression you have fallen is to go silent, not make an effort, retreat away, it speaks volumes to you. I talk about people being on my island and that they are fully secured, I will share my shelter and rations with them, but occasionally people end up in life rafts (this is the opportunity for change in our dynamic), but there have been occasions where the rope tethering the lift raft to the island has been severed. That I can no longer support the relationship.

I have to remember that there is a difference between being charitable, having good will and allowing others to stomp on you.  What in my life has taught me that I am not worthy of myself for who I am?  What taught me that just by being me brings value to people's lives and my relationships?  Why do I continue to have to give, give, give until I resent and can no longer maintain that relationship?  How did I learn that I have to fix things, fix people, be the social director, comedian, care giver even if it is at my physical and mental expense?

Was it one event, several events culminating in the unspoken expectation?  Why do I manifest the negativity I am clearly feeling towards myself (subconsciously) into obesity?  Why do I sabotage myself when my weight loss journey has momentum?  Why do I hide behind my weight?  What comfort and security does my weight bring me?  All questions I am sure I know the answers to, but I have yet to allow myself to sit in the pain and recognize what is really happening.  UGH!  Losing weight, exercising, having weight loss surgery, changing my eating habits and mindset around food.....that is the easiest part of this journey! The hard part is acknowledging and figuring out WHY I became obese to begin with.  Yes, some of it is genetics, some of it is medical conditions, BUT a lot of it is because I use food as medicine, but not in a good way.

Some people view seeking counseling as a weakness, NOT me.  It is HARD to ask for help (especially when you are the helper all the time).  I love the charitable and giving side of me.  I love my generous heart.  I love that I am able to forgive and give 2nd chances.  But I have to stop giving 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th chances at my own detriment.  I have to love me, so I can love others more fully.

So I'll leave you with one of my favorite songs....

"Both my parents taught me about goodwill

And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
Till I'd passed and left them alone"

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=j0eyCPOJMfw&list=RDAMVMj0eyCPOJMfw

Fix your mind and the rest will follow

So I apologize now, for those that start to see a new version of me bubbling to the surface.  Change is hard and I may lose some people that were only in this journey with me because I gave and gave and they had to give little back.  NO MORE!  My health (physical and mental) WILL be my priority.  I will challenge those that don't think this is okay or allow for me to do what I need to do for me.  I deserve to treat myself, the way I treat my friends and family.  I deserve unconditional love and support.  I deserve to be lifted up when I need it, without being made to feel guilty for doing with I need to for me.

 

As you all know, I have been on a major weight loss journey since April 2016.  Okay, let's be real, I have forged this path many times before then.

But I have come to realize, that although my toolbox is filled with many of the things I need in order to maintain long timer weight loss, it is missing one major thing.  I have to figure out they the heck I keep sabotaging myself.  I see significant success and then whamo......something creeps up and I slide backwards.  

It isn't because I don't know about macros, the impact of processed sugar and simple carbs.  It isn't because I don't know how to stick to a work out program.  So what the heck is it?

Clearly, I can't figure it out on my own.  And to add to the layers and complexity, as someone with a degree in counseling, I sure as heck know how to intellectualize a situation, which allows me to push those emotions deeper and deeper.

So, I started with the medical weigh loss program and part of that program, they recommend doing counseling.  UGH.......no thanks, RIGHT????

Well, I told that voice to SHUT THE HELL UP!  I want to live a long and healthy life, I have goals that I can't accomplish at my current weight.  So, that means something needs to change.

I know that the food piece will always be a struggle, but I have managed to drop 30 lbs during a pandemic!  Yep, I DID THAT!  I didn't use food or wine as my comfort when I was at my lowest over the past 6 months. I tried to, trust me!  But my inner strength bubbled up and won MOST of those battles.  I would put all kinds of crap into my Instacart order.....then I would walk away from the phone.  The next day, I would look at the total of the order and the stuff I put in the cart and audibly ask myself what the heck I was doing.

So I had my 2nd counseling session this weekend and it was eye opening.  When someone tells you, that you unconsciously are doing (just by watching your facial expressions), it is powerful.  Jamie (my counselor), said "Can I give you some feedback?"  I said absolutely.  She told me that as I was talking, she could see my emotions start to surface and my body react and that she quickly saw me shut that down.  That even in my pain and vulnerability, it seems I am making it okay for those around me and not allowing my body to sit in the pain and then release it.  ***HOLY SHIT***   Talk about light bulb moment.  I could feel that in my body, but never acknowledged it and allowed it.  So she asked me if I would just sit with the pain a moment, if that would be okay.  She asked me to describe what my body was doing, what I was feeling.  It was wild.  It was painful, uncomfortable, exhausting and perspective changing.  She reminded me that my body won't hurt me, but that if I don't start to listen to the cues it is giving me, I am doing more damage than good.  HUH, well, I think my body has yelled at me before and I ignored it.  It then made me stop, literally, and do nothing until it healed.  2 major back surgeries later.  

This type of therapy is called somatic experiencing and it is used to help heal trauma.  

https://traumahealing.org/about-us/

Funny how when you walk the earth trying to be thankful and therefore not recognizing trauma, that it has life long impacts.  It shapes the way you chose to live your life because you are taught nothing different.

Listen, yes the pandemic has sucked for everyone, EVERYONE!  But that doesn't negate my experience or emotions (even though I have allowed others to make me feel like I was whining and being dramatic). I have taught people how to treat me.  This has lead many to manipulate me, take advantage of me and expect that I will always be there, even when I can't be there for myself.

The choice to live my life in that manner has served me in many ways.  I'm the funny one, the social one, the person who binds friend groups together.  I'm the go to employee and friend.  I'm the person who always offers to help and reaches out even when I am drowning.

The pandemic has taught me, that for prolonged periods of depression and stress, I no longer become able to be there for others, in any manner.  I even had those conversations with some over the past 3 months.  Their reaction was telling.  They were not used to that version of Gretchen.  It also allowed some of my friends to see that I needed support in a different manner.

Some stepped up and were able to handle this version of me.  Others, I haven't heard from in 3 months.  

If I say I am not okay, I am drowning.  It is because I have surpassed my breaking point.  It was so bad at one point, that I thought I was going to have to seek inpatient care.  I tried to unplug when I needed it and wasn't allowed to on a few fronts.  I felt like I was under attack with no way out.  Again, I share the blame (oh wait, there I go, taking pressure off others and making excuses).  NOPE, scratch what I was about to say.

So, instead I will say, it is time for Gretchen to put herself first.  And when my cup is full, when I am whole, I can then begin to focus on others.  Thank you to those that loved me through the depression, that recognized that I need a little more checking in on and you were able to do that.  Thank you to those, that I know were struggling as I was, kept me in my thoughts, and reached out when your mental health allowed!