Secrets breed illness.....

So, there it is.  The truth I've been hiding.

Some people will be surprised to read this blog entry.  I'm the type of person who tries to find the silver lining in things, smiles through the pain because I don't want to burden others and just holds everything in until I find that tears are leaking out of my eyes and I just can't figure out why.

I haven't felt like this since my sexual assault in 2001. At that time, I didn't realize I was in a deep depression.  I started calling out of work, self medicating with alcohol and food and shutting out the people who loved me most.  I should know better right?  I have a degree in counseling.  I'm good at counseling, being intuitive and helping others recognize their feelings, the cause and solutions.

Guess what??  It's easier to help others.  It hurts less to help others.  It SUCKS to identify what is causing your own pain and turmoil.  It is painful to face the truth and then figure out how to take steps to change things.

This time of year is always a tad crazy for me and when I'm overtired, my coping skills disappear.  Having the issue with my wisdom teeth hasn't helped because the effects of the pain pills have compounded my emotions.  I continue to put on smiles for people.  I suck it up, pull myself out of bed and go to work.  I try to continue to eat well, if I eat at all, and get my water in.

I just don't feel like it.  I want to stay home, curled up with my pup. 

I'm lucky to have the friends and family I have, but I have hide my depression from them too.

It is exhausting be "happy" for people, for still playing the role they expect you to, when all you want to do is climb under your covers and sleep.

I recognize that some of how I'm feeling is because I haven't been sleeping.  I don't have the ability to cope with everyday stress when I'm exhausted.

I'm a fighter, always have been.  I will pull myself out of this funk.  It may take me some time, but I will do it.  Even though I hate the gym, I do feel better when I am consistent and go.  So I'm going to force myself to go.

I'm writing this get things out in the open, to share that even when you think a friend is all good, sometimes, it is an act.  Especially if someone is a fixer and caregiver like I am.  I would rather not burden someone else with my mood or depression.

I also need to identify some things and make steps to change them, make positive strides so I feel better about what I'm doing and who I'm allowing in my circle.  I need to let those that love me, support me and lift me up.

I got this!